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By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | September 17, 2009 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | September 17, 2009 |

Oh, crap-a-doodle-doo I completely forgot I had to do this thing. But here’s my excuses:

1) I just got back from a beachy vacation and am still kind of out of the loop

2) I got a sunburn and have been scratching my arms so much people will think I’m a junkie.

3)Yesterday was Honduran Independence Day. There were drunken shenanigans and pizza. Am obviously still not recovered.

4) Tyra ate what was left of my brain. I really shouldn’t wait until after ANTM is over before I write this thing.

5) I got sucked into the memory lane that was the Subservient Chicken. 2004 called and it wants me to leave it alone. But…remember that thing? Creepfest. Don’t ask me how I ended up there. But it was either that or yet another CW show about “beautiful” (read: hideously anorexic, or just hideous and anorexic) rich people and their stupid problems. So, yeah. Guy in chicken suit.

So I’m gonna get right down to it. Just one quick announcement: I’ll be going out of town the week of the 28th, so I’ll need someone to cover the EE for me from the 24th to the 30th and then from the 30th to October 7th. I know Doctor Controversy had volunteered to take the next one, so it’s yours if you still want it, Doc! And any other brave volunteers to do the next week, just let me know in the comments.

Here’s your Top 10.

10. Without my brain I’m just a devastatingly handsome blow-up doll with a huge wang. —Kballs

Kballs is Lady Gaga?!? —Patty O’Green

[ZING. Confession: Lady Gaga scares the crap out of me. Maybe it’s the giant wang in concealment.]

9. Grown men should not wear khakis and fucking docksiders to work.

C’mon Tracer, how about jeans, short sleeve button up’s and Doc Martins then? I still look better than the sales guys I work with that wear dress slacks and long sleeve dress shirts with ties. Probably just my natural good looks. Or the fact that any guy wearing something like ‘slacks’ is pretty much guaranteed to look effeminate? Seriously, ‘slacks’ must be a euphemism for ‘limp’, no?

Ah shit, now I’m going to start a fight with all the guys around here that wear slacks. Or who’re naturally limp. Or who wear limp slacks. — Xtreme

[Xtreme knows Pajiba so well…]

8. I would expect this would be an open and shut case: Antichrist has artistic merit, Vaginal Holocaust is…actual torture porn.

Then I remember that I’m in Pajiba-land, where up is offensive and “no thank you” is “I’m going to cram a three headed dildo down your throat and sacrifice your soul to Godtopus. No ammount of arguments pointing out the mythological basis for and symbolic production of Antichrist will convince most of you that a Lars von Trier (strike one: depressing; strike two: “misogynist”) horror (strike three: you guys hate horror) film could possibly have merit.

Do I go with the popular vote of Vaginal Holocaust being the better, more enjoyable film (ironically or in sincerity, as there is a blend of both already)? Or do I stick with my guns and support an artistic horror film that tries to blend graphic sexual assault with ancient mythological conventions and psychological horror to produce a new breed of cinema?

Antichrist will be powerful. Vaginal Holocaust will be forgetable. Antichrist will have great performances and a sense of artistry. I assume Vaginal Holocaust will have…a vaginal holocaust.

Antichrist is the clear choice, but my Pajiba-tinted glasses tell me otherwise. —Robert

Bonus Comment — From the post where Dustin posed as TK.

DR knows who he is. He’s a dude writing as the dude disguised as another dude in a sweater vest. —branded

7. I will not watch the werewolves man
I will not watch them, admin I am
I would not, could not, in your box
I would not, could not, it smells like lox
I will not watch them in a boat
I will not watch them they lick scrote
I will not watch them with your mom
I will not watch them her name is tom
I will not watch them if you paid
I will not watch them I’d rather be flayed
I will not watch werewolves man
I will not watch them, admin I am —admin

[Stephanie Meyer is a blight upon the universe. She’s pussified vampires and now werewolves. What’s next? She’s going to make it so that Frankenstein is really a devastatingly handsome guy built up from pieces of John Smith and Jesus Christ? Argh I hate that woman.]


I’m adding that to my Microsoft Outlook signature.

Managing Editor
Journal of Cat Rape and Other Anomalies
Philadelphia, PA
Phone: (215) I hate fucking phone calls, EMAIL ME
Email: I will ignore this too
Meteor Tits Pow. —Julie

5. AVB

I live on the West coast of Scotland, you see, where Men are Men and express their enthusiasm through grunts and heavy drinking sessions. The last known “squee-er” was chased down to the English boarder by large packs of machete wielding young persons.

I am, in fact, a deep and sensitive soul. A poet, an artistE, and a total ninny. But let’s just keep that between you, me and the internet. —TSF

[It’s true, then: Where the Wild Things Are makes menly men squee. And Dustin go gay.]

4. A zombie cartoon? That would be AWESOME! AWESOME LIKE BOOBS! LIKE GETTING TO HIT SEAN HANNITY IN THE FACE WITH GLENN BECK’S SKULL! Are you fucking kidding me about how this is a bad idea? Are you loony? And in Anime to boot? Excuse me, but my boner just smacked my chin! Here’s a regular zombie movie:

Lame Human Character A: Ho-hum, what a regular day… Oh no! Zombies!

Zombie: Blah blah blah. Watch me shuffle. Blah.

Lame Human Character B: Oh my gosh. What (…yawn…) - what should we do?

Lame Human Character A: I suppose we could run around. Maybe go to the mall?

Lame Human Character B: That’s cool. Maybe I should grab a shovel or something?

Lame Human Character A: Yeah. I suppose… Maybe we can weld shit to my car…

Zombie: I’ll go tell the other zombies to go to the mall too. Blah blah etc…

But a FUCKING CARTOON ZOMBIE MOVIE?! Here’s how that’d go:

Fucking Steroid Power Heathcliff: Let’s meet the Herculoids for some beers!

That Disney Mermaid Girl: Yeah! Look at my fish vagi… Holy shit! Zombies!

Awesome Zombies: Our soundtrack is Megadeth!

Fucking Steroid Power Heathcliff: Fuck that - form of Voltron robot thingie!

Gloop & Gleep: You did the wrong thing showing up in Eternia, Zombie fucker.

Jonny Quest: Nunchucks, bitches!

Jem: Electrosnatch!

Josie & the Pussycats: Let’s tongue kiss while they fuck up those zombies!

See? Do you see how much better a cartoon version would be? If not… Well, then I guess you have no place watching zombie movies, my friend. Time to punch out and go home to Blandsville, where a gristly, congealed Salisbury Steak and cubed carrots sit in a tin foil container of lameness. Me? I’m going to the land of pen, ink, blood and 2D boobies… —Skitz

[He had me at Stereoid Power Heathcliff. Whoever is making the Heathcliff movie? Pay attention, you hacks.]

3. Hey, Hey, Hey religious nut-jobs! Oops, I mean “true believers” Have I got a deal for you!

For only $1000, cash, small bills, in advance, you could be a Seraphim Club Member! Not only will I feed and water and snuggle your pets after Jesus had called y’all home in the Rapture, but I will keep you irritating religious chain emails endlessly circulating.

For an additional $2000, you could be a Dominions Club Member! As an additional benefit I will raise public objections to any children’s book that has any scientific fact, or fictious reference to witches or sorcery.

And for the bargain price of ONLY $10,000 you could be an Archangel Club Member! The highest order of angels! This exclusive membership includes all previously stated services and in addition I will picket the funerals of deceased homosexuals with offensive signs, and spit on their weeping mourners.

Since I am a godless heathen, I should be around for a good long while, so join the Angel Club today, first come first serve! Supplies limited! Void except where it’s not. —Lindsey with an ‘e

2. agugh.gggggggg. It’s better than coffee.

I’m not sure I like the idea of the wild things having only female names. Or, what gender is KW?

But I would go gay for these things anytime, although I’m sure that’s not what Dustin meant. You know, not fanatically, just a bit deep closet case of Narnia-gay. —The Gemeinderat

Narnia-gay is the way to go. I mean, have you seen those centaurs? Hot damn, rawr. I love me a horse-man (with a horse-cock to go along) and some strong equine facial features.

And don’t even get me started on those minotaurs! They can gore me any day (up my butt). -Snath

[I propose we add “Narnia Gay” to the Pajiba Dictionary pronto.]

1. Damn, I like me a man in a suit. Suits are sexy. It’s not just about wearing one well. It’s about THE MANTEASE.

BWeave’s instructions on doing the perfect Mantease:

1. Make sure you are acting like a gentleman, set the mood, lighting, offer her a nice drink (no roofies), and put on soft music.

2. Take your jacket off, slowly. Work the shoulder. Fold the jacket in half lengthwise, and drape it over the back of a padded chair.

3. Loosen the knot of the tie, and undo the top button of the shirt.

4. Now slide the short end of the tie out of the knot. SLOWLY. And let the knot undo itself as you lengthen the fat end of the tie infront of you.

5. Now, SLOWLY pull the tie out of your collar by pulling the fat end down and out. Work it! Work it! It visually works as a penis getting longer and wider.

6. Fold the tie in half widthwise and drape it over the coat.

7. Ask her if she has everything she needs.

8. Undo the buttons of your shirt cuffs. Even better if you have French cuffs and can hand her your cuff-links.

9. Undo the shirt, one button at a time.

10. Undo the belt buckle and top button of the pants, and the as you take off the shirt, REMEMBER TO WORK THE SHOULDER. Make sure your undies don’t ride up and show. Use toupe’ tape to keep the waistband in place, if necessary.

11. Slip your shoes off. Plan ahead and wear fancy loafers. Leave the socks for later. Toes are icky.

12. Sit down next to her and stroke her arms, her neck, behind her ear. Give her a backrub. Lots and lots of 3-play (it’s like fore-play on the legal bits).

13. If you’ve gotten this far, you can take your pants off yourself. Try not to cry when the toupe’ tape gets yanked off. —BWeaves


There was no doubt in my mind that this would be the winner. None. Because every single time I came across that comment I got all hot and bothered and had to take a little bunk break. It’s that perfect.

So, for perpetuating our love for men in suits (and out of them), for giving us mental images to last a lifetime, and for giving the boys a step-by-step guide on how to seduce a woman off her pants in a few easy moves, you are our champion. Our heroine for all time.

So I need some help from the Pajibettes (and the Pajiba men, if they wish!) in determining your DVD prize. It could also work as a mini-diversion. It could go either way: recommend your favorite Man-in-a-Suit film or your favorite Man in Process of Nakedness film. For the first I’d go with Casino Royale. I’ll have to think about the second. But any recommendations? And Bweaves can pick her favorite from the suggestions at the end of the day. Then send your info to Dustin at pajiba dot com along with a framed print-out of your instructions for the benefit of Mrs Rowles.

I’m printing them out right now.

See you next week. It’s my birthday next week. So there’ll be drunken shenanigans and cake. But only if you send me a present. And booze or cake.

Figgy left the cake out in the rain.

The Five Best Slow Claps of All Time | Pajiba Love 09/17/09

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.