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I Once Turned a Student Loan into PBR

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | September 24, 2009 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | September 24, 2009 |

Dammit. EE time again already? How do Wednesdays happen so damn quickly?

And boy it’s been a doozy of a week over here. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but things in Honduras ain’t so hot right now, and everything culminated most bizarrely with a nearly-30 hour curfew that was called off for a few hours today. I don’t want to depress you but damn! It’s kind of taking up my brains right now.

Also, it was my birthday today (uh, yesterday. Wednesday, I mean. Stupid time)! How’s that for a present, huh? Couldn’t even get a damn cake because people panicked and rushed to the stores and the lady who was gonna make my cake couldn’t even get some damn eggs! But, awesome as I am, I made my own damn cake and ate it. And it wasn’t a bad birthday, really. I know this is being all me me me but the whole point of it is that without Pajiba and the awesome Pajibans and Pajibettes, today wouldn’t have been as awesome as it was. Really, even with the damned trolls and the SEX WARS (it’s like Race Wars but with more peen!) and the celebrity deaths and their mockery, I love this goddamn place. Amusingly enough, it keeps me sane in the very real crazyness that’s going on around me. So here’s to Pajibans and keeping it real.

Just to close, because I’m really exhausted from too much cake and awesome TV (YES WE CANE!) I won’t be doing the EE for a couple of weeks. Barring some disaster (that I probably just called down because that’s just my damn luck) I’ll be going on a one-week trip to Guatemala next week, and will probably have limited internet access. So! Next week the EE will be handled by Doctor Controversy, man-about-town and crazy script writer. Week after next will be admin’s, and though I’m a bit afraid to give a Canadian that much power, I’m sure he’ll keep the mooses away. Moose? Yeah. That. Anyway, I leave you in capable hands. Maybe. Don’t blame me, they volunteered.

Here’s this weeks bippity-boppiest:

10. Insufferable vegans. Vegetarians? Not so bad. What kind of demon doesn’t want some delicious eggs and chocolate milk with their cantaloupe in the morning? Answer: Facists. —Kballs

[Damn right. Vegans are fascists!. Spread the word!]

9. Somebody needs to tell Nigeria that I’ve run through my life savings and I’m still waiting for that $3 mil to get deposited into my bank account. I was trying to help a brotha out, for godsakes! —gunnertec

[I’m sorry, Nigeria. Really. This one just cracked me up in the context of the article.]

8. Water into food isn’t so impressive. I once turned a Student Loan into PBR. —Optimus Rhyme

7. From Justin to Kelly.

Still a damn fine movie and the last one I saw in theaters that met my awful, horrendous filmmaking qualifications. Like a good wine, it just gets better and better (meaning worse and worse), every year.

For God’s sake, there’s a skirt made of ties not worn ironically! Hovercraft racing! A shify-eyed southern blond with daddy issues! Texting as a plot point before most of America had experienced it! Reality stars really struggling to emote!

The only thing that could have been better (worse) is if the Idol contract had been iron-clad enough to have forced the entirety of the Top 10 into the film as was the original plan. —Robert

[My absolute favorite in the Secret Shame thread. JUSTIN TO KELLY! Robert! It’s just…it’s just so perfect! No, really…I thought like Princess Diaries 2 was bad enough…Robert, you are very brave and very awesome.]

6. Screw it. Cast people regardless of their nationality and or gender, and just plug ‘em in. Hey Dwayne Johnson, want to be the Kugen? Go for it! Eddie Izzard feel like the Spaniard? Here ya go! Wesley Snipes, want to be the love interest? Well, get out of prison, if you’re in prison and you’re good. Michelle Yeoh, want to be the Highlander? Sure. Rhona Mitra, come on down and get the role of that other chosen who dies to show us what a bad-ass the Kugen is. Cram a few random other chosen in there (Paul Hogen, C. Thomas Howell, Rhianna) and you’re good to go. —mrcreosote

[YES! YEEEEES! The only way to remake Highlander is for the casting to go completely batshit insane! I LOVE THIS. Plus, a Highlander woman? YES! YEEES!]

5. …or should we infiltrate like ninjas? Rogue ninjas.

By now I suspect Herzog has already hunted you down and killed you (with his bare hands, natch) for even suggesting this…. —sansho1

Damn. I need to steal a camera and sneak in. —Cindy

Cindy, you have also now been killed by Herzog. Please, everyone, just stop!! Herzog requires payment in full, can’t you understand that?!?! —sansho1

Damn, I’m really going to miss Steven and Cindy. —tamatha

[Bwah. I love conversations like this. If you’re wondering, it was in the Herzog “film school” news thread.]

4. This is EXACTLY why men don’t understand women.

Blowing things up is not necessarily “masturbation fodder” though I admit a manly throw down is pretty sexy. Also sexy? A manly man who is awesome with kids. It’s even hotter because he HAS muscles and street cred from stuff like “Walking Tall”.

Anyway, all I’m saying is that Mr. Darcy never blew anything up. —Hayden Tompkins

[Except my pants.]

3. Is everybody BUGGIN’?

Maybe you haven’t had as much to drink as me but COME ON. Dude has got a GIANT CHIN. What have yous got? A keyboard?? An OPINION? Yous got NOTHIN. His chin runs yer sad wee lives intae the ground! Sad bastards. —-TSF

[I love that we have our very own drunken Scotsman (or he lives in Scotland anyway) and that he thinks Jay Leno is better than you. This comment makes me happy.]

2. What frigging help is it to the narrative for me to find out that some dude is riding an Otis elevator? As opposed to … well, whatever other company makes elevators? —eddie

Not sure if you get them in other countries, but I occasionally come across elevators made by a company called Schindler. Which, of course, leads to me giggling out loud every time I enter one, before pointing at the Schindler logo and saying “Schindler’s Lift!” to anyone else who might be in there with me. —Daniel Hall

[Oh, godtopus. I can’t stop giggling at that. I think if I had been on that elevator I would’ve married Daniel Hall RIGHT THERE.]

[OK this week the #1 is a little, well, cruel. And I do like the actress in question. But…oh, man, it’s just so perfectly crafted. I know you guys will understand.]

1. This movie looks damn awful, but Julia Roberts seems to (somehow) grow more lovely every year.

That’s because somewhere, there’s a picture of a horse that keeps getting older. —hatemail


Dude. DUDE. Julia Roberts meets Horse meets Dorian Grey meets Untold Levels of Hilarity. It’s a little evil (clearly Sarah Jessica Parker represents all things equine in the human race, but she’s not in the movie), but the literary allusion just kills it. I love it. So much. Congratulations, hatemail , you are our winner!

And I don’t think there is nothing else I can give you as a DVD prize than a Julia Roberts movie. You might hate me for it, but dammit all, it must be done! But since it’s very late and I can’t think straight and I keep getting images of a dusty horse photo somewhere, I’m gonna let you pick the movie. The only two rules are that it must have Julia Roberts in it and it has to be under $20. When you’ve made up your mind, please let us know in the comments and send your information, along with a photoshopped photo of a horse with Julia Roberts’ head on it.


And I’ll see you crazies in a couple of weeks. I’ll miss you. Be good to the boys.

Figgy lives and rages in the mad urban jungles of Honduras. Check out her blog for somewhat incoherent updates on the Honduran situation, Cannonball Read book reviews and the occasional pictures of hot men.

Orci and Kurtman Produce Xombie | Pajiba Love 09/24/09

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.