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By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | September 10, 2009 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | September 10, 2009 |

Oh Godtopus, what a crazy fucked up night it was. My brain feels like mush, my stomach’s doing cartwheels, unable to decide whether it’s hungry or nauseous, my eyes hurt and my hands ache from twisting them into fists so much. First there were World Cup Qualifiers and we lost to Mexico again (motherfuckers. Every last one of them. Aaah shut up with your “be nice to people from other countries” crap. I am angry tonight) and now we have to play the U.S again and you people don’t even know you have a football team. You call it soccer and ignore it. Yeaaaaaah, shut your face.

And then I washed away all the pain—and virtually all other brain processes—with two (TWO! JEEBUS) hours of “America’s Next Top Model” and Tyra Banks’ neverending supply of batshit-pancake insanity. Yes, it rots your brain cells. Yes, I should know better. Yes, I shouldn’t encourage Tyra Banks. But look here, people, take your logic and shove it, because at some point (and that point comes right in the middle of a horrible week) you need some hardcore moronic television to get you into that happy place that let you survive another week. So don’t give me that look.

Anyway. Lots of exciting changes at Pajibaland this week. We got our very own Weekend Hijack thread, Afternoon Comment Diversions are back, and both have been massively popular with everyone; lurkers and regulars alike. Just a quick note, I’ll be looking over the Comment Diversions (Mostly. Maybe.) for EE candidates, but not the weekend ones. I need a couple of days of not going insane trying to catch up. So go crazy over there. And keep being funny everywhere.

And I need to end this quick before I short-circuit. Seriously, Tyra leaves me feeling drunk and molested in the brain. Not a wholly unpleasant feeling, just not the best condition in which to try and write this thing.

So here it is.

10. Oh, spambot…I might visit your site, if only you offered the opportunity for me to meet a “hot celeb” like Nic Cage, put him in a bear suit, beset him with bees, and then light him on fire. —Cat

9. So, she’s sewn to the ass of another person and she still manages to get her mascara on without smudging it. I can’t even manage that without an ass in my face. —Bweaves

[I hate to keep bringing up that monstrosity, but that just cracked me up. Leave it to Bweaves to notice that…]

8. I think it looks fairly good. I did hear that Emily Blunt thinks it is a piece of shit. YOU HEAR THAT KRASINSKI?!? SHE DOESN’T SUPPORT YOU LIKE I DO! Why you gotta break my heart, Johnny? WHY?!?

Ahem. But really, looks interesting. —Pinky McLadybits (aka Dangle McGee)

[Oh, Pinky. Keep trying!]

7. I am counting the days, DR… I want this movie, I want it HARD, I want it dirty, I want it slapping my ass and calling me a filthy whore while I scream for more, More, MORE! —Spender

[Wow. I want to see Zombieland too, but Spender REALLY wants it.]

Bonus Cool Comment: You guys are my favorite group of commenters this side of Zombieland. As coach Jim Harbaugh once said, you’re displaying ‘enthusiasm unknown to mankind.’ I’m one of the writers of Zombieland, and although I’m desperately afraid of your expectations, I’m thrilled by your passion. Don’t worry, the movie doesn’t suck. And yes, force the wives and girlfriends, please… —Rhett Reese

6. I have chills literally covering my entire body. I want this. I will be on my way to Miami with two friends the day it’s released. I know how this is going to play out.
Me: “Oh so we have downtime tonight…that new movie “Paranormal Activity” came out today…we should go. Have you seen the trailer?? Looks creepy as hell!”
Them: “ewww, so it’s a scary movie?!?! Oh nuh-uh no way we’re going to a scary movie. But heyyyy, isn’t that new Jen Aniston movie out too. OMG it totally is! We should go there, I mean it’s Jen!!!!! Because us women need to stick together, right? Right! *giggle giggle lmaorotflmfao hahaha*”

Me: *cocks gun*

My flight home will be short 2 passengers. No loss really. I obviously need new friends anyway. —ashes

[I bet the Spambot could help you out!]

5. It’s inconceivable to me that a “pastor” would even notice an earring let alone comment on it to a parishioner.

Try growing up in Arkansas. My Dad, god bless him, has left at least two churches because they ran pastors out of town for various reasons. Now he just attends Mass with my Mom, though he’ll never convert to Catholicism. Where I live now, they told a preacher(or something) who was about to become an “elder” in his church that he needed to break up with the woman he was dating because she was a divorcee. And the same thing happened to another preacher from my home town. Not that these examples are the same, because the preacher is usually getting the short end of the stick, but it shows how serious people take that shit around here. They talk a lot about love, but a lot of it is really more show. It’s all stunningly hypocritical, but that’s the fun/horror of living in the Bible Belt!

I finally shrugged off the last semblance of religion(Catholicism) about a year ago. There, but for the grace of God, go I. —pissant

[Not everything is boobs and peen. We have actual eloquence here too.]

[From pain in the ass EE hater to Eloquent! Nicely done, pissant. It’s like Joseph Lieberman winding up in a porno! Also note: Didn’t you grow up in the same town as I did? — DR]

4. FUCK YOU! I live in Germany! FUCK YOU, I’m actually a German. And I’ve just officially stopped lurking. You know how late it gets in Germany when it’s 9 EST at your local hypster base??? It’s the fucking year 2010 in Germany when it’s 9 EST with you and I’ve got to work on Wednesday.

Plus, I hate it when you bitch about grammar. You know how hard it is to stop lurking when you won’t stop bitching about grammar?

I didn’t hear no damn American GIs bitching about grammar while empregnating beautiful German blondes.

Well, I’ve got a functioning Green party.

And real espresso because Italians seem to believe in the German Dream.

And French wine.

And some German things to be proud of, I presume. Yeah, Goethe, motherfuckers. —The Gemeinderat

[I think this was about the Pajiba Film Club announcement. Anyway, I think “GOETHE, MOTHERFUCKERS should be adapted as a national slogan by the Germans.]

3. Oh Tarn, obviously you haven’t met the Pajibabies, they’re silent killers. They make not a sound when launched from the MurderTank’s fetapult. You just don’t know they’re coming until one smacks into you and sinks it’s minature talons of death into your cartoid. In fact, they have specially designed armour a la Thibbledorf Pwent’s Gutbuster Brigade. They just kind of latch on and spazm until there is nothing left of you but a bloody pile of juicy ground chuck and a sneaker.

Oh yes, my friends, they are little gurgling, cooing, pooping balls of adorable demise. —admin

[Boy, are they. Anything born of a Pajiban has to be an insane killing machine.]

[I’m going to go hugh Lil Axel, now. — DR]

2. I truly don’t understand how people can watch this shit. I pretty much hate almost everyone, but even I don’t hate humanity enough to be amused by what looks like (from the promos for these awful shows, plus a few seconds I was unfortunate enough to catch while channel surfing) the highlight reel from “America’s Most Repellent Skanks.” Come to think of it, I’d consider watching that show, if only once. At least that title would be honest.

Note: I was going to use the “C word” in that title, but thought it might be crossing a line/get deleted. —Slash

Cœlacanth? —TK

Ciclotron? —BarbadoSlim

Cuddle parties? —Tracer Bullet

Cisogyny. —branded

[God, I love you guys.]

[And our #1 for sheer pluck and hilarity bordering on madness:]

1. I love that tagline; “The only criminal he can’t catch is himself” for being completely unfettered by anything approaching logic or sense. It slides by at first, another movie tagline, something the marketing department dreamt up after reading the coverage on the script and consuming copious amounts of drugs. But then it gets its hooks in your mind and you’re like “wait a minute, what does that even MEAN?!?” It appears to be an attempt to play on the concept of “bad”, in the sense that he’s both criminal and bad at his job, but the execution is so sloppy that I almost don’t want to admit that I realized the confluence.

And really, how can you not catch yourself being a criminal? I totally just caught myself being awesome and I’m not even on the police force. I’m just that good. (Or awesome)

Warning: Comments posted by Rusty prior to 11am may feature strong stream of consciousness overtones. You probably shouldn’t listen to anything she says, even if she is awesome. —Rusty (formerly Genny)

* * *

Oh, Rusty, you are awesome. Who knew that one could make something so great out of a poster for a Nicolas Cage movie? A terrible, terrible poster? But you did it, and you completely won my exhausted heart over. Specially since you wrote that in the morning. Ugh. Mornings should be banned.

So, because you are so awesome, you get to choose your $20 DVD from Amazon. I might send some coffee over. And cookies. I make awesome cookies.

No, really, I’m gonna go pass out now. Congratulations, Rusty, you and your gorgeous red-headed self have an awesome Thursday.


Figgy got eaten by Tyra. Please mourn her.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.