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Nappy Headed Ho's

By Marra Alane | Eloquent Eloquence | August 6, 2009 |

By Marra Alane | Eloquent Eloquence | August 6, 2009 |

Hello, miscreants! It is I, Marra Alane, wielding the awesome EE power bestowed upon me by mighty Figgy, who bailed on the clusterfuck in Honduras to immerse herself in the slightly less fucked up political climate of Texas for a few weeks, no doubt utilizing her super-secret ninja spy skills to figure out what exactly Texas has that makes it think it’s so fucking great. Also, I think the love of her life lives there, or something. Whatever, fuck Texas.

This week has been quite a doozy. Apparently on Thursday everyone got their period, because we bitched non-stop all weekend. There wasn’t a comment we didn’t take offense to, a review we didn’t hate, or a reviewer we didn’t rip to shreds. But everything got magically better with the triumphant return of commenter Boo and Admin’s newly instituted Haiku Tuesday! Note to gp: please post your 100 haiku badgery epic on Facebook. That’s shit I need to read.

By the way, this job sucks. You people are fucking prolific. And how am I to avoid spoilers for “Children of Earth” when I have to read two fucking posts about it? Way to ruin that for me, fuckers.

Anywhozzle, on with the show. Since Figgy can’t pick her own comments when she runs it, I thought it only fair to include her in the top ten this week. And damn, it’s a good one:

10. If they had to make a trailer for this today it would be

[And now, our what the f? comment of the week]

9. “Wait…they never found the body? “

Oh, brenia, what a fabulous treat you’re in for. Not only do they find they body, they find a whole mess of bodies. Alien bodies. Nekkid alien bodies that turn into zombies when you pee on them. And that’s precisely what Vern finds out when he makes a potty on the ALIEN BURIAL GROUND! Then Kieffer/Keiffer (I don’t have the time to check) shows up with the rest of the hoods and - get this - THERE’S A FUCKING DANCE OFF! A DANCE OFF OF ALL THINGS! And that leech that was hanging from Gordie’s fleshsack? Oh, you thought you’d seen the last of that thing? You’re in for a radioactive mutant treat, sister! Turns out LaChance’s scrote was fulla pathogens or something, because not only is the leech bigger, IT GREW LEGS! HUMAN LEGS! Can you fucking dig on that?! So anyways, Chris and Vern are freaking out about the Alien Zombie dance-off, and the giant leech comes crashing through the woods in a GIANT BULLDOZER! IT’S AWESOME! And then…

Hold on. I gotta go make a doody… — Skitz

[Suggesting a RDJ/Jude Law man-pile led a lot of eloquents to enjoy some quality bunk time, but Boo hit it out of the park]

8. If we were to play the “Have You Ever” game, and you were to hypothetically ask me if I had ever masturbated in the company toilet, I would have to hypothetical say….

*runs away to bathroom*

*runs back to computer*

How dare you! I am a straight, offended woman. Hmmpf!

Crap, is that a snail trail? —boo

[Is a snail trail what I think it is? Because if so, then…ew. EEEWWWWWWW.]

7. how much of Casino Royale was written by [Paul haggis]? TylerDFC

The parts that sucked. — Kballs

[Exhibit 67409 in the FBI pedo-case file against AvonB]

6. That is seriously Dakota Fanning in that picture? Huh.

Also, is that Cameron Bright? Huh, again. When the hell did he get so … pretty? —Anna von Beaverplatz

Wait.. he’s still only 16?! Ack! Ack! Ack! Not fair and also ACK! —Anna von Beaverplatz

[Not as bad as the time SaBrina fucked her father, but still, gross.]

5. As far as I’m concerned, there can only be a Captain America movie if they get Alexi Lalas to be Captain America. Quibble if you must, but put that name through Google image search and tell me that jaw doesn’t scream “justice” and the mighty cleft in his chin doesn’t also scream “justice” but in a much smaller yet no less manly voice.

Of course, then we could also listen to whether it was right for Captain America to be
played by a former soccer player, which is the least American sport except cricket. Except that there’s a World Cup coming up which means Americans will be passingly interested in soccer again until we’re eliminated and can no longer talk about how we beat that (insert foreign country here) like a rented mule. —Genny (actually Rusty now)

[Yeah, fuck soccer! And now, for a little eloquence in your EE]

4. I’m willing to bet my imaginary left nut that had this been a list of the top five ditziest blonde characters on tv or film; not a single one of you would have gotten your panties in a bunch. — ~M~

If panties are bunching—and I didn’t really get that sense, it just looks like people are just having fun—it’s likely because the overwhelming majority of the time, ‘sassy’ and ‘black’ are one and the same.

I’m pretty tired of the character type myself. But I’m also tired of many other types like ‘The Nerd Who is Secretly in Love With the Beautiful, Popular Girl in the School’, the ‘Magical Negro’ and the Nathan Rabin-named ‘Manic Pixie Dream Girl’, to name the first few that came to me. I actually loathe the last one. If you’re going to let some mentally unstable and barely pubescent quirk factory run roughshod over your life, you deserve it.
So even if I hate the MPDG FAR more than the sassy black woman, at least there are many more character types (annoying and insulting though they may be) that feature white women. At least, that’s the impression I get on the thread. The MPGD, or the ‘Serious Business Lady Who is Confident and Forceful in Every Area of Her Life Except Her Love Life, AND SHE’S ALMOST 30!!!!!!!!!!!!’ just haven’t been around for as long. At the very least, the audience isn’t expected to fall into raptures over the sassy woman. Likely to do with the fact that she’s ‘hard’, ‘no nonsense’, and completely de-sexualized, but there you go.

I don’t want to sound humourless or militant. Crap is crap, and I wouldn’t be any more interested in seeing a Heigl or Hudson film if it starred Zoe Saldana, instead. I’m not taking a stand, I just don’t enjoy romantic comedies very much. Marsha Warfield, on the other hand…

There isn’t a lot of difference between GONE WITH THE WIND and NORBIT (from what I have read about it), and little difference in between. And though it’s not anyone’s job per se to make us look good, I defy you find a black woman in a Woody Allen movie who isn’t a maid or prostitute, for example.

Of course, we’re just having light-hearted fun on this site, but this is a world where Shirley Q. Liquor exists—with wild popularity. So to equate that with Hollywood blondes who have to put up with all of that adoration (outside of the films themselves) whiffs a little of the shenanigans to me. I’ll concede that they’re met with as much antagonism, often more, by their non-fans. It’s vicious, vulgar stuff and I know that if I were to ever read those things and they were directed at me, I’d cry like the sad panda that I am. Is there a cold comfort in knowing that at least they’re on the radar? I’m not the person to ask.

But everybody wants to have hurt feelings, so I guess we can all have at each other on these threads until someone starts crying or gets pregnant. We all know that these threads often become FAR, FAR, FAR more mean-spirited and offensive than the original and controversial subject broached.

But I read on. The bile amuses me. Take that, beliefs! Jo ‘Mama’ Besser

3. You know what would be more interesting than the horrific execution of the family through elaborately planned rooms? Learning how the serial killer put together these rooms! Like some sort of bizzaro home makeover show. How do you coat a floor in acid? It’s going to burn through most everything, so coating and flashing the floor particularly at the door sills and vents is vital. You don’t want your acid pouring al over your bear traps, corroding them and preventing them from snapping shut. And how about the spooky mood lighting? That shit ain’t going to terrify people all by itself. Oh, sure you can flay, gouge and kill people, but really without the proper mood, setting and materials, you’re no better than that guy sown the street with heads in his fridge. And that’s just tacky.
I’d love to watch one of these movies where the traps just don’t work because of shitty craftsmanship. I mean hell, in everyday construction trying to get a bathtub properly installed is difficult, yet this guy can get elaborate traps to work every damn time. —Mrcreosote

2. Yoda should never have used a lightsabre. Yoda is above that shit. Yoda is motherfucking YODA. The moment he struck that Kung Fu pose, the moment he brought out his tiny little half-size training-sabre, he went from being the coolest motherfucker in the galaxy to a little green bitch.

Yoda should solve his problems with The Force. He should throw planets around, he should crush people where they stand. Yoda pulled X-Wings out of bogs before his morning coffee. He montaged Luke from sissy farm boy to Jedi without even needing the montage. He lived in a house made of shit and snakes and still decided to fuck with the first person he saw in twenty years just because he could. He should not jump around like fucking Animaniac, grunting and twirling, ever twirling, always twirling.
Lightsabres are for upstart Jedi who can’t handle anything better. Yoda was NINE HUNDRED years old, he was past that shit. He was the Big Bad of Jedi School. Motherfucker could have killed a guy with his brain before the guy’s mother even considered having the child who would grow up to cut him off on the stupid little flying chair thing highway.

And then, what, in Episode II we finally get to see him fight, and he pulls out a toy lightsabre and can’t even beat a stunt-double with Christopher Lee’s face CGI’d atop his shoulders? And he’s tired after the fight? After LOSING the fight? Fuck that. Fuck the Prequels. Fuck George Lucas right in his boundless neckfat-gina. —James

1. “nappy headed ho’s”

I don’t understand what’s the big deal. I get nappy headed every day, about an hour after lunch. I take a snooze on the couch and feel better for it. —(the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy)


While your grammar makes me a sad panda, there’s nothing like a pun for diffusing racial tension. Well done, you magnificent comma king. Email your info to dustin [at] pajiba [dot] com for some sort of cheap DVD of your choice. Under $20, if you please.

Figgy’s back next week, all. FYI, she admitted to watching “Gray’s Anatomy.” Shame her! SHAME HER!!!

Pajiba Love 08/06/09 | Worst Onscreen Couples

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.