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RIP: Jeff Goldblum 1952 - 2009

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | July 2, 2009 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | July 2, 2009 |

I’m gonna keep this short and cheesy this time, because it’s been an incredibly long week for me, and I just want to have a laugh while reading over the candidates again.

For those of you who don’t know, I live in Honduras. I won’t go into that whole mess in here (I’ve ranted enough about it on my blog), except to say that it’s been tense, exhausting and at times, completely terrifying. You never think this is the sort of thing that will happen in your own country, etc.

And (as cheesy as this will sound), if it weren’t for Pajiba and all the commenters, I don’t know if I would have made it with my mind intact. How absolutely perfect that this is Pajiba’s big Anniversary week. Dustin’s video made me laugh for the first time in three days, and the retrospectives have kept my mind happily distracted from thoughts of doom and despair. I love this damned place, and I couldn’t be happier that I found it. I have to admit that one of my biggest fears has been losing my internet connection and not being able to read my daily fill of rage and sexual innuendo. How’s that for nerdsome? Pajiba is a precious resource, people. Treasure it. I SAID TREASURE IT, DAMMIT.

So. Really, thank you. While the massive thread comments have kept me busy, I’m more than glad to have something to keep my mind occupied. I mean, I can totally see how it drove Prisco to new levels of rage, so it’s good that I have nothing to do all day.
Anyway. Thank you all so very damn much for asking me how things are, for keeping track of me and for showing your support. I can’t believe that all the people I’ve met here have been so (almost) universally kickass. I’m not even joking when I say it’s moved me to hear from you perverted bunch of malcontents. So, just know that even if you don’t make it on this list, you’re keeping at least one person here within their right(ish) mind. I love you motherfuckers.

Hmm. That wasn’t as short as I thought it’d be. But whatchoo gonna do. I promise to be funnier/more coherent/ more on topic next week. You’ll understand that I’m a bit stressed out. And if you don’t, well, cram it up your butthole.

On to the good stuff:

10. I have to thank the producers of this movie. I was constipated today. But then I saw this trailer and suddenly I had the urge to take a dump. Like when you hear running water and you feel like taking a piss, this movie is such a pile of shit it loosened my bowels.

“Bowel-loosening entertainment” — L.O.V.E.

Put that on your movie poster and smoke it. —L.O.V.E.

[L.O.V.E is this site’s best example of commenter-to-handle perfection. I wonder what it stands for. Guesses?]

9. After yesterdays panic, I learned something; something important. I’m going to go and tell Jeff Goldblum that I love him. Because what if he HAD died… AND I NEVER SAID IT?!

It’s true what they say, people… regret is the REAL island infested with dinosaurs. —Daniel Hall

[It’s so heartfelt. I would pay good money to see Daniel run up to The Sexiest Jewfro in the universe and yell “I LOVE YOU MAN” into his face.]

8. Should I ever have kids (or at least, temporarily abduct one of my nephews/nieces) I will use this to teach them their ABCs. “P is for Panda, which jM wants to rape! R is for Rainbow Killer, who looks like an ape!”

…Yeah, don’t leave me alone with your kids. —: Jeremy Feist

[If you’re wondering “What does it all mean?”, go look at the Pajiba Dictionary. And rejoice at the fact that you’re finally in on the joke.]

7. People, please. Obviously they cut off the other half of Ms. Hilton’s statement. Surely what she really said was, “Blowjobs are for ugly girls, which is why I have balls on my chin so much that I need a jock strap for my face.” —Tracer Bullet

[Really. It takes a lot of nerve for Mrs Nasty Wonky-eyed Ho Hilton to say something like that. It’s not only an idiotic sentiment (as that entire thread agreed) but…really, have you SEEN her?]

6. What if you’re thrilled by the idea of a Glazeyween or Doughnut Dick or what have you, but you just can’t stomach the extra calories? There should be a light version, something that will provide sweet, gooey satisfaction without threatening your waistline. A new invention, perhaps? A dipping apparatus that would contain various flavored coatings, similar to what one might find in a Dairy Queen. Imagine the possibilities! Cherry, Chocolate, Peanut Butter! With Sprinkles! Nuts! Crushed Oreos! Low or No-Calorie options!

Now all it needs is a name. Popsi-schlong? Tasty Peen? Dippi-dick? This is a million dollar idea, kids. A million dollar idea. —Kolby

I like it Kolby! Dippi-dick, Dip-a-dick, Dick-dipper, Dip-a-dong Fantastically - something along those lines? —Cindy

[I don’t even need to add anything to that.]

5. Get David Fincher to direct, call it Sm7rf, and have it be about the ritualistic killings of the seven deadly Smurfs. The cast is all laid out:

Smurfette (Lust), Greedy (Greed and Gluttony), Lazy (Sloth), Jokey (Wrath), Nosy (Envy), and Brainy (Pride)

The final climactic scene features Papa Smurf, gun pointed at Jokey’s head screaming, “What’s in the smuuuuuurf? What’s in the smurfing smurf?” —branded

[It’s even better when you imagine Brad Pitt saying that in that Se7en voice of his that we all know and love and oh man I’m dying here.]

4. I hear that Smurfette gives good smurf. Also, she likes it when the male Smurfs all line up and run a smurf on her smurf. Pappa smurf, being the eldest smurf, get’s the position of honour wherein he can stick it right in her smurf. It’s rumoured that these smurfigys also employ smurfy punches, snowsmurfs, rusty smurfbones, smurf-stained smurfs and the occasional bluekake.

True story. —admin

[I might have cackled at ‘bluekake’. No, wait. I smurfed. Smurfed all over the place. That Smurfs thread was all sorts of smurfing. *Ahem*, sorry.Enough of that. SMURF. Did you know ‘smurf’ in Spanish was ‘pitufo’? No? well now you know. You’re welcome.]

3.. As a token of appreciation for my Official appointment as Unofficial Poet Laureate, I have composed a verse…

Pajiba’s inevitable rise, a result of Hollywood hacks,
Braving sticky floors, giggle-tweens, and overpriced snacks…

Rowles and Freilich and Carlson, Beckyloo Who
The Boozehound, Prisco, Stacey Nosek too…

Get a bad case VD from Baynis eye rape,
To bring us our reviews in the guise of good taste.

But when all’s said and done, and their words have been said
The comments boil down to who wants to get laid.

Taco Dip or some Scrabble, vagooters with sand
I’ll be in my bunk gettin down with my hand.

Murdertanks, Whiskeybaby …ninja star love
As a giant blue mollusk looks down from above…

This page has seen more miles than a whore who blows truckers
And I couldn’t be prouder to know you dirty fuckers.

Fuck. Yes. Viva Pajiba!!! —PissBoy

[VIVA PAJIBA MOTHERFUCKERS. And viva El PissBoy. Chico Piss. Viva! ]

2. Police have reported that they have released the sunshine without bail, that the moonlight has been eliminated from their investigations, the good times have an alibi, but the boogie is still being held for questioning. —Dill The Devil

[Amidst the media shitstorm that has risen over MJ’s death, and the barrage of tasteless jokes, that is hands-down the funniest damned thing I’ve ever heard after the news came out. And if you don’t get it, shame on you. Really, just get the hell out.]

[And our #1 comes from one of our most prolific commenters.He’s had the top spot coming for a long time, and he finally crossed the hallowed halls of EE stardom with this jewel:]

1. It’s kind of like “fuck” for the pre-school crowd…

“Fuck” is the “fuck” for the pre-school crowd. At least in my house.

We’re trying to potty train my two-year-old. Yesterday she was on the potty, and this is the conversation between my her and my wife:

Daughter: “Get outta here Mommy! I’m going potty!”
Wife: “Fine, I don’t have to stay. Come get me when you’re done, sassy girl.”
Daughter: “Whatever, you’re fucking dirt anyway.”
Wife: “What did you say?!”
Daughter: “Sorry Mommy. I’m a good girl.”

You’re fucking dirt anyway. My two-year-old child actually said this, no lie. She says bad stuff all the time (we’re not exactly conservative in the language we use), but nothing as bad as that.

Usually it’s just something like “Where’s my damn ice cream?!” (yelled to the carhop at Sonic) or “Stupid ass dog!” (to our stupid ass dog).

She’s going to be a shining influence to our son.

And for the record, yes, she does get time-outs for using bad language. She can use it privately all she wants but I have no desire to be called into the teacher’s office at some point. —Snath


And so, Snath’s adorable daughter gets an Honorary Pajiban Title. That girl will go far, Snathadamadamadingdong. Keep raising her right. My favorite comments are always the ones with embarrassing/ horrifying/hilarious family stories, and I think we can all agree that there’s nothing funnier than the profanity-spouting little babies of profanity-spouting intelligent adults. It’s so fitting. I propose Mini-Snath as Queen of Pajiba, just as Kolbaby is our king. Come on, that little girl is precious.

For the story, and for raising an awesome child, I give you my favorite movie starring a kickass little girl: Spirited Away. Email your info to our totally adorable leader (did you SEE the video, people?) at: dustin at pajiiba dot com. Congrats!

Figgy lives and rages in the mad urban jungles of Honduras.Check out her blog for somewhat incoherent updates on the Honduran situation, Cannonball Read book reviews and the occassional pictures of hot men.

Arrested Development Documentary Trailer | Favorite Record Labels, Part 2

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.