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Eloquent Eloquence: Best Comments of the Week

By Miscellaneous | Eloquent Eloquence | April 17, 2011 |

By Miscellaneous | Eloquent Eloquence | April 17, 2011 |

Another great week for comments. Once again, I’m sorry that I couldn’t get a Daily EE for each day this week, but your Comment Queen has become a responsible adult once again and sometimes being an adult means being miserable and being forced to close a store and you get home so late that you just want to eat, pet the guinea pig (NOT a euphemism) and go to sleep for 12 hours. Lucky for you I am a dedicated and merciful Queen, and thus you get this weekly digest to enjoy on the last precious few hours before another week starts. Well…now I’ve gone and depressed everyone again. Hey! Look over there! Shiny new comments!


[What’s an EE without a comment by KBalls? And hey you, tell us how you think watching SNL is lame some more, hmm?]

I usually watch SNL while lifting weights, having an orgy with a bunch of supermodels, doing lines of coke off a gorilla’s tits, and arm wrestling Jesus himself. Whenever the show makes me laugh, my giggle-infused ejaculate launches one of the models through the nearest window. I know it was a good show if I only end up with a white-chested primate and an arm-weary Jesus by the end.

[Delightful. Also delightful are our winners from Monday, who made some funnies about how some men just don’t age very well at all.]

Jesus H Christ on a cracker! It looks like Carey Elwes is slowly eating poor Billy Campbell.
-Carolina Girl

Slash: … they claim men age “like fine wine.”

Yeah, you have to keep them locked in a cellar for years until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.

[Drake captioned this photo most brilliantly].

It looks to me like he’s saying “I only stroked it 3 or 4 times and then he came like a rocket”.
- Drake

[Another one by You Know Who. Because we here at Pajiba love being horrible, horrible people. Specially about celebrities and their aged looks. ]

Umm, hello. That’s not Mindy Cohn, that’s Geri Jewell. She has cerebral palsy.

Well, having cerebral palsy is no excuse for confusing the shit out of everyone. She should be more considerate.

[The release of the new trailer for Planet of the Apes (which I haven’t even seen because those things give me the heebiest of jeebies) prompted a terrible (but funny) series of movie ideas from bluejayone. Here’s a condensed list of the best of them, though you should read the whole list in the original thread]

My Prime Mate- A Transformers crossover where a boy’s best buddy is a robot who can change into an orangutan.

Grape Ape: The Movie- If they can rape Yogi Bear into a live action film, why not other Hanna-Barbara ‘toons?

Ape-X- A team of superhero mutant monkeys and apes who are determined to save the world and fight the bigotry they face everyday from having opposable thumbs on their feet.

King Kong Ping Pong- An ape gains notoriety as being the first non-human to win the world table tennis championship for being able to wield three paddles at once.

Barrel of Dead Monkeys- Police desperate search for a serial killer who only stalks primates living among humans. The case takes a dramatic turn when the murder switches to humans and is suspected to be a wily silverback.

[Grape Ape, hells yeah! Wonder if it’ll be revealed that he’s on all kinds of pills and steroids like in that one Harvey Birdman episode…

Ah, Thor. Such a hot hunk of a superhero, such a terrible marketing strategy. The release of an iphone Slurpee App (no, really), let our Eloquents run wild:]

“Become the THOR of your Store.” I would pay good money to watch a hulking Swede wield a warhammer all around a 7-11, screaming “VALHALLA, I AM HOME!!”

Hey, what do you know! That already happens at the Sevy near my office. Only there’s no hammer, and he’s not Swedish. It’s just Larry the crazy hobo, spinning in circles with his dick out.
- Exploding Head Syndrome

[And finally, I’d like to direct all of our “Game of Thrones” fans (hey, that premieres tonight! I haven’t read the books but I swear I will also how hot is Sean Bean like, all the time?) to this thread, and to read Arya’s progressively longer list of hilarity. I don’t really get it, but the geeks seemed to have a blast with it. It ended with this:]

Raff the Sweetling, Biter, Rorge, The Tickler and the Hound. Ser Gregor, Ser Ilyn, Ser Jaime, King Joffrey, Queen Cersei. Ginia Bellafonte. The New York Times. Slate. idleprimate. GOOP. Sparkly vampires. Pointy shoes. Glamour. Cosmo. Sex and the City. The GOP. Julie. Pookie. People who do not share presents and cake. Donald Trump. DarthCorleone. Sarah Palin. Valar morghulis.


That’s it for this week, my minions. Enjoy your sword fighting (or sex, if you’re a girl) on the teevee tonight. Me, I’m gonna take the hubs out to the Chinese Buffet and stuff ourselves with dumplings and noodles to celebrate my new status as a responsible adult who can spend money in getting fat. Yay! Also, did you do your taxes yet? We just finished. We’re responsible like that, and I feel that it makes you truly American to wait until the last possible minute to turn in your taxes. Just give me citizenship already. Anyway, enjoy your week.

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