The Texas Peep Massacre

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | April 2, 2010 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | April 2, 2010 |

Oh, lord. I think I’ll be having nightmares about this Thursday for years to come. Joke or not that shit was painful to read, and I screamed in terror at about the 5th “FIRST” that showed up and all the caps and aaaaaaah! You were intense. It was so real, so terrible, so frightening that I just couldn’t take it for very long. I kept coming to the site, seeing the glaring colors so reminiscent of those hell holes you find all over the internet, and I wanted to run away screaming. I might have sobbed a time or two. Or three. Brr. All I’m left knowing is that I never want to cross any of the staff around here. They’d probably come over and insult my home décor and make the children cry.

On top of that our A/C was broken most of the day, and it was about 85 in Dallas today (damn, I guess the honeymoon of gorgeous weather is over, huh). Then the seal on the fridge is broken and there was a pool of water on the kitchen floor when I woke up. But it was all made better when I called my mom and told her I was getting deported. And then I laughed because I like being horrible to my mother.

So it’s all good now. Enjoy your countdown until you can once again gorge on whatever you gave up for Lent, and make your peeps do dirty things to each other. That’s what they’re good for, isn’t it? I’ve said too much.

Here’s your Top 10!

10. The MESSAGE of HOT TUB TIME MACHINE?????

The message is fuck you! —Optimus Rhyme

9. I loved Monster House because it was so unapologetically horrifying for children. I want kids to piss their pants and cry for weeks after watching a horror film. That weeds the weaklings out early on so there are less people willing to claim “ZOMGz the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake is totally the tits! Best horror every roflcopter!” after the age of 15. If we teach our children horror films are a safe escape, when will they learn to fear prowlers in their dorm rooms and to check behind the shower curtain twice a day every day since they were six years old and watched Psycho even after being told not to? Nowhere. Safety first, people: scare the crap out of kids to put the fear of the unknown in ‘em. —Robert

[We should write a “Pajiba Guide to Parenting”…]

8. When watching this movie my husband and I started pretending that Jeff Goldblum really believed all the alien stuff was real life, and the other actors are trying to play along with it so as not to blow Jeff’s mind. — angie

[I don’t think I can ever watch a Jeff Goldblum movie the same old way again.]

7. stopthemadness have you ever tried Peep fighting? You can get those scary motherfuckers back!

Just place 2 peeps in the microwave facing each other. Place toothpicks in them like little swords and then put the microwave on for like 10-20 seconds. Those evil peeps will slowly get bigger and stab each other with the toothpicks!

One Easter my entire family stood around placing bets on who would die first. My grandmom really got into it which was kinda creepy. —bionic woman

[Fess up. How many of you ran to your microwaves and tried this out? I would’ve, but ours is broken. Sob. Hmmm…though we are visiting the in-laws this weekend…]

6. The only way any good can come of this is if it’s a Godzilla vs. Megashark vs. Giant Octopus vs. Gargantuan Sea Cucumber vs. Glenn Beck vs. Reasonably Sized Moose. —admin

[Caaaaaageeee maaaaaaaaaatch!]

5. For example, the upcoming Sharktopus. I’m not even fucking joking.

In that case I am looking forward to future productions when they run out of fearsome animals to splice together with a shark. Shombat! That’d be shark and wombat. Sharrabbit! Speaks for itself… —Carrie (Teabelly)

[Well, this certainly inspired me into creating some concept art:]

[Marvel at my Paint skillz! Ahem. Moving on…]

4. Gerard Butler’s accent is Scotland’s way of paying America back for Braveheart. —TSF

3. When we were growing up my little sister and her best friend, about 7 at the time, made up a game called “Babies in The White House”. They would pretend to be babies….that inexplicably lived in The White House. That’s it. They would crawl around, fake crying and pretending they lived in The White House. Not with the President of the United States mind you, they were just babies… that lived in The White House.
Way to go 20th Century Fox, you and a 7 year old are right on par in the imagination department. —ashes

2. I have a dream. It’s a simple dream, but this movie may well have what it takes for it to come true.

All I want, at this time, in this place, is for at some point in the movie, when they’re being chased by giant flying killer fish… for them to think they’re out of the woods, and for Tiffany’s character to look around furtively, grasp her love interest by the arm, and whisper, in hushed tones, “I think we’re alone now.”

That’s really all I want. —Skewicide Blonde

[I. Would. Die. From. JOY.]

[And our #1…well, it relates to something I really don’t want to keep bringing up—the Human Centipede—but which is really unavoidable considering how much material you guys get out of it…]

1. That 4th diagram reminded me of a scientist by the name of Theodore Flynn, who, about a hundred years ago, performed an experiment in which he fed a dog a piece of meat attached to a long length of string.

The meat was digested in the usual way, along with the string, leading to the very first Dog on a Rope. Confronted by the scientific community’s WTD? (What the Deuce - Fuck had not been invented yet), Flynn claimed he was educating his students on the interconnectiveness of the digestive system.

When pressed, he admitted he was trying to create a convenient alternative to his face-towel, which he had an unfortunate habit of leaving in a soggy heap at the bottom of his bath. (In later years, the dog was replaced with soap, as the animals are notoriously unpredictable when exposed to water, and even the smallest are no good at cleaning those hard to reach spots).

Dr Flynn was also the father of Errol Flynn, which proves that his connection to the film-making process occurred long before being the inspiration for this wacked-out movie. —ScienceGeek

*****

I can’t even begin to tell where fact ends and the craziness begins and I don’t want to know. Needless to say this is one of my favorite comments EVER and I couldn’t stop cackling and reading little bits of it again and every time I found something new to love about it. I’m not exaggerating. I love this comment. Everything about it. The end is just the cherry on top. Dogs, string, soap, Errol Flynn. Beautiful.

So congratulations, ScienceGeek! May your random trivia skills bring you much joy and chicks (or boys as it might be) in the future. You win a very special soap-on-a-rope. Yay, you!

Thanks for playing, everyone. We’ll be back next week. Same Pajiba time, same Pajiba channel*

*Uh, except not really. It’ll be back on Thursday.

Figgy lives and rages in the urban jungles of Dallas, TX. She watches too much TV as she waits to get a work permit so she can become a useful member of society. You can read her seldom-updated blog here.