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Sh*t, Pajiba! Are You Just Looking for An*l?

By Lainey | Eloquent Eloquence | March 19, 2009 |

By Lainey | Eloquent Eloquence | March 19, 2009 |

What a week to have EE picking duties. Our fearless leaders were all together in Austin. An ordinary nutsack appeared on Pajiba to call them out and in between therapy sessions, in rode Pookie (motherfuckin’ POOKIE) to defend our honor. There was a grammar and punctuation thread that made me feel funny in my bathing suit area. Funk and Wagnalls indeed! And Jay was ON A ROLL! Seriously, 9 times out of 10 I have NO idea what he’s even talking about [neither do we! — DR], but he was killing me this week. [Dear God — Like the guy needs a bigger head. — DR] Narrowing down the list was actually harder than I had anticipated. No one insulted Drew Barrymore this week, so everyone was pretty much on equal footing.

10. It’s like being given a chocolate cake and finding out it’s just shit pie. — chenry

(That has to be Sarina’s ultimate nightmare!)

9. buc, you bring the alcohol, I’ll get the whip. — figgy

And commas. Don’t forget lots and lots of commas. We’ll roll in them, we’ll toss them like confetti, we’ll sprinkle them on our cereal, and on our glorious, naked bodies, in the morning; we’ll use them in unspeakable, and speakable, ways. For instance, we’ll splice them with glee. We’ll give each other commalingus and commatio, for hours, and then you shall ride me in the commagirl position until, at last, fully sated, we shall collapse in each other’s arms in dreamless, blissful slumber …

Unless you’re having a period. Then forget it. — bucdaddy

8. Although it is worth more on the Scrabble board, so you’ve got that going for you.

False. Both names are worth zero on the Scrabble board, since neither are acceptable Scrabble words. Boom, Scrabbled! — SaBrina

7. And, since it’s almost the anniversary, once again fuck everybody everywhere who pussied out on going to see “Grindhouse” cause it was so looooong and weeeeeird. You’re the reason we can’t have nice things. — Jay

I totally disagree with you about Grindhouse (it looked silly and boring to me so I never saw it), but I would like to tell you that, sometimes, when you hitch your crabbypants all the way up to your armpits like that, it makes me want to put my tongue in your naughty places. — Sarina

It looked silly and boring to me so I never saw it *looks over his glasses at you* You also voted for Hubert Humphrey and killed Jesus. - Jay

6. I’d have to say, you can’t beat HIV as a conversation killer. B-Slim

it’s not so bad, usually i’m all “HIV? i hope i never get THAT again!” — gp

5. The first generation spambots, they were easy to spot. All LOLs and spelling errors. Then Skynet made them look human. But that wasn’t enough. What would humans find irrestible? Chewing gum, lifesavers, tablets of ectasy and Red Bull. It was then that ‘bots became dangerously delicious. — Mrcreosote

4. Holy freaking God. A powersaw? That’s some shit directly out of one of Saw XII, I think- “I’ve hidden the keys to your leg irons somewhere in your vagina, now use this powersaw to dig it out before the rabid bear eats your face.’ Yes, there will be bears in Saw XII, even if it is direct-to-video. — Jaci

3. My God, is this what music is like for white people? I feel like there should be a telethon. “Your donation of only $5 a month can save little Madison from a lifetime of clapping on one and three.” — Tracer Bullet

2.. Not NEARLY enough people are pathologically afraid of clowns and its good that you are. Clowns who turn into weird spider monsters are just….god damn it, it just ain’t right I tell ya!!!! I love me some Tim Curry, I do. But good lord It haunts my nightmares. My bf finds it hilarious that I’m so scared of them. HILARIOUS. He wont find it hilarious when one of them eats me. He recently read an article about some…where, in Europe, about a group of men dressed as clowns dragging kids into vans, no joke.
I read a story once about a boy obsessed with clowns, who sneaks into their tent when a circus visits his town. The clowns state that clowns is born, not made, and start licking his face with rough, cat like tongues. They lick the flesh off of his face to reveal the natural clown face beneath and he joins their troupe for ever, while to the rest of the world he’s another kid who got nabbed by kiddie fiddlers at the circus. Clowns are proof the devil is real,and he hates us, very much. — Nadine

And in response to Dustin’s testosterone-heavy list of the best abs in Hollywood, I think Candie says it best:

1. You’re a weird kind of heterosexual - Candie

Candie, please send your contact information and the most adorable picture of RyRey you can find to dustin at pajiba dot com.

This was fun. Thanks for letting me play, Prisco! Go DUKE!!

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.