Space Boners. Advisable or No? Discuss

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | March 18, 2010 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | March 18, 2010 |

Howdy campers. How’re your hangovers? I’m writing this the night of St. Patrick’s Day, so I assume most of you are out drinking and celebrating your…drinking, and having a blast. I stayed home and watched ANTM, and if that weren’t enough to fry my brains into a mushy pulp, I’ve also spent the last hour looking at “Lost” timelines. Damn right, it’s better than yours. I’m really not a big drinker, and less of a big drunken crowd person. I prefer to get drunk on bad TV and chocolate. What I’m trying to say is that I think I’m about as braindead as most of you are at this point, so that’s it for my intro.

So have a good rest of the week, and let us pray that by this time next week they’ll finally have picked a Captain America, that your hangovers are gone and that “Lost” has stopped fucking around with the viewers. Fat chance of any of that happening, I know, but a girl can hope.

Fuck it, I need a drink. What’s Irish?

Aha! Bailey’s. Shut up, it counts. Says “Irish” on the label and everything. Mmmm. Now I can do this thing:

******

[Regarding that upcoming monstrosity about competitive birdwatching:]

10. OOH, should be retitled Bird Dogs.

Perhaps this will be fertile ground for Owen Wilson to affect the empathetic surfer depth while expanding his “Ka-Kaw, Ka-Kaw” vocal schtick, for Steve Martin to mince around with bermuda shorts and binoculars while muttering waspish epithets under his breath, and for Jack Black to do the cross-eyed ape face while handing out flyers in a brightly-feathered bird costume outside a grocery store full of attractive single moms.

Oops, I almost forgot Jane Lynch as the bird, brought to life through some awesome digital face and neck performance capture. Look for the Cameo of George Lucas as a petulant pelican…who…um…poops pennies to piss off penguins. Perfect. —laredo

[“Deep Thoughts: Anatomy of a Hell Hound:]

9. You know, from a physiological standpoint, the horn-like prong doodads coming out of that hound’s neck are absurd. The lower ones on the sides of the jaw extend past the snout! I mean… sure, it could totally stab the shit out of something, but how the hell is it supposed to eat what it stabs when its fangs can’t logistically reach the prey’s flesh? Does it have opposable thumbs and a little set of camping utensils, or does it just spend a whole lot of time playing an evolutionary variant of the carrot-on-a-stick game? Seems pretty silly, as far as hell hounds go. —Sarina

[On the blandest actor in Hollywood:]

8. I don’t get why people keep casting Dermot Mulroney in stuff. He’s so blaaaaaaaaaaaaand. And his lip bugs me.

So very true, figgy, so very true.

I do crack up whenever I see something about him though because my mom gets him and Dylan McDermott confused, so she just calls them both Kermit McDermott. Kermit! —Kate

[On, um…stuff:]

7. Space boners: advisable or no? Please discuss

In space, no one can hear you cream. —EricD

6. I’d pay anything in the whole wide world to see Guillermo del Toro direct a Twilight film.

Imagine the little twitards running into the theater, their backne glistening, their 4 extra pairs of panties in their pockets,their minds as empty as Taylor Swift’s reserve of talent…Then BAM! Edward is taking a cheese grater to his skin to remove the sparkles, and Bella is putting glass in some hamburger meat for Jacob…It would be glorious, like promoting a carebear live action play, and filling the cast list with Arctodus Simus.(Really old big fucking bears) —Robb

[It’s the cheese-grater bit that killed me]

5. You know how you’re happy when two people you despise get married, knowing they’ll only fuck up two families instead of four?

That’s two other movies unfuckedup.

It’s a good day, people! -,

[Now there’s a life philosophy I can get behind. Good job, comma comma comma commeleon. Oh, God. My brain. I’m sorry.]

4. My brother played football at Morehead. He was greatly dismayed when the mills closed and the town had to remove the sign that said: Morehead, Ky. Hardwod Capital of the United States. He was also thwarted in his attempts to give Bill Clinton a t-shirt that said “I Love Morehead” when said head enthusiast visited the campus. In short, my brother loves jokes about blowjobs. —Tracer Bullet

[Hee. Morehead.]

3. I was hoping from the premise and Tudyk-ness that this would be balls-out awesome.

My disappointment is palpable. It has been palped, by a qualified medical professional. It might even be described as turgid, but that would imply I intended further palping, whereas I actually intend to shelve it until the DVD version of this slowly wends itself to the top of the netflix queue.

Tudyk deserves that much, at least. —: ZombieScientist

[First comment on the ‘Showgirls’ review:]

2. Yeah, but we see some tits right? —Stuff

[HAAA! And now our #1:]

1. HOW IS NO ONE ENAMORED WITH GARY BUSEY BUT ME HERE. Holy shit, that isn’t just crazy, that is punch a nun in the face while screaming about how turtles implanted microchips in your brain in order to monitor how many jelly beans you eat per day crazy. No joke, I’ve been watching that non-stop for the past half an hour. I love EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS VIDEO. No joke, I am LITERALLY RUBBING MYSELF INAPPROPRIATELY AGAINST THE MONITOR I love this video so much. I want to take this video and get it pregnant and then get shotgun married to it in order to hide its shame. —Jeremy Feist

*****

Huzzah for the resident porn star and all around champion at everything! Your outrageous (and frankly a little frightening) display of love for Gary Busey (?!) has earned you this week’s title of Prince of Pajiba. You win a crown and a furry cape and a Gary Busey autographed photo. Which would be scary to me, but you seem to love it, so. You also get the once-in-a-lifetime chance to prove to us how badass you are (or really to anyone who hasn’t visited your blog in the safety of their homes) by taking a photo of yourself humping a monitor which shows a smiling Gary Busey. I, for one, would love you forever and ever. How can you pass up the chance to earn my love and admiration? Some people never get even close!

(*psst: I already think you’re awesome, but that’d be an awesome photo, no?)

Anyway. I’m out. I have a headache and need sleep. Congrats to Jeremy and the other winners. Next week I think I’ll try something that could be pretty fun: an interactive EE—where you guys get to pick a winner from a list of 10 I’ll gather through the week. How does that sound? I think it sounds swell.

See you next week!

Figgy lives and rages in the urban jungles of Dallas, TX. She watches too much TV as she waits to get a work permit so she can become a useful member of society. You can read her seldom-updated blog here.