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Brian Cox Is Nobody's Stand-In!

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | April 26, 2010 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | April 26, 2010 |

Citizens of the Pajiworld and Disciples of the Almighty Godtopus:

Welcome to your new Monday Eloquent Eloquence!

Your favorite list of the funny and crazy has a new home on Mondays, and hopefully we’ll all feel cozier on this side of the week. I know that it was a good thing to have on Thursdays, when you feel desperate because it’s almost Friday but not quite and need some concentrated Pajiban goodness, but what better day for that that on dreary, horrible Mondays, the bastard child of the week? No one likes Monday. So I hope that this will bring you a little bit of joy on this dreariest of days.

Another plus, I think, will be that you’ll have an entire work week to get your comments in. I’ll be counting everything from the first post on Monday to the last post on Fridays, because I’m just that dedicated (and also because I’m backwards and weekends are when I do the stuff I didn’t feel like doing on weekdays).

As an ADDED extra super special bonus, there will now be 100 percent fewer mentions of Tyra Banks (uh…excluding this one) and my brain will be, let’s say, 10 percent more present. Can’t guarantee that, though.

*winks lasciviously*

10. Not only do I live in Boston, but I also work for MTV. This precludes me from auditioning sadly. —Jiggles

So don’t audition sadly! Smile. You clearly seem to have what it takes otherwise. —Che Grovera

[It might be the lasagna-overdose talking, but man that cracked me the hell up.]

9. Coming this fall from Fox is the hilarious new ‘cross the pond reboot:

Reggie Boa’s Flying Circus.

It’s a whack new variety comedy show that’ll be totally in your face and over the top!

“Yo man, this parrot’s like all dead and shit, YO!”

“Nah, man, it’s jus’ trippin’!” —laredo

8. I think this is a good opportunity for me to ask something that’s been troubling me for the last six months or so, since I started reading Pajiba:

Is TK a boy or a girl?

I would assume he was a boy for his comic book nerdy background, but sometimes he has said stuff that made me think otherwise. Then again, I could say the same about Dustin, but I know he is a guy (right?) —zito

[Heeheeeheeeheeeeeeeheeeeeeeeeeeeeeheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!*passes out* *ahem* Heeeeheeheee…]

7. Brian Cox is nobody’s stand-in!

On a totally unrelated note, my AP English teacher managed to get who I thought was Brian Cox to come to our class and talk about some dumb play he was doing in Providence (I can’t remember which one). Turns out it was actually Brian Dennehy, the poor man’s everyone, and I was disappointed. But then I’m 90% sure he ended up banging my teacher, and I was no longer disappointed. —Marra

[I don’t know what’s better, “the poor man’s everyone” (ouch, Dennehy, but so true), or the teacher bangin’. Either way, poor Dennehy, man.]

6. Also, old droopy transvestite harpy clowns don’t deserve love.

Without looking at any of the links provided, I’m not sure if this refers to the SATC2 stills or the creepy stalking clown link… —Patty O’Green

5. Jon Stewart is my future husband. I picture us waking up together, snuggling, and doing the crossword puzzle. On Sunday mornings, he brings me breakfast in bed and then tenderly makes love to me, gazing into my eyes and telling me that I am his eternal soulmate.

It’s going to be tragic when he finds out that I’m cheating on him with Stephen Colbert. A girl can only take so much tender lovemaking before she just wants some seriously dirty deep dicking. —Commander Strikeher

[This next one came from Intern Rusty’s problems in getting rid of wall-creeping lizards, and the advice that followed]

4. Teflon? Spray-on glass? Harrumph! I say you get yourself to a Costco/Sam’s Club/Frederick’s of Hollywood and buy an industrial tub of KY Jelly. That’ll keep EVERYTHING off of the walls. Except maybe penises. —Pinky McLadybits

[I call this “Best Horrified Reaction Ever:”]

3. rain


spiraling shot coming out of the clouds and focusing on the top of a dark precipice, where a lone figure falls to her knees and raises her hands to the unforgiving black sky, screaming


[I don’t remember what had horrified esme so much, only that it was a remake. And isn’t that our usual reaction to remake news?]

2. Dustin, mi esclavo del amor, never apologize. Do I apologize for my FABULOUSNESS?

Do I apologize for sucking the LIFE out of mi hombre minúsculo, Marc?

Do I apologize for the precious precious dinero Americans will spend on this MOVIE?

The only thing I apologize for is that I cannot swirl through the Pajiba Headquarters in a flash of sequins, spandex, and talent to BLIND you and turn you to the sparkly side of Hollywood.

And that is only because I do not know where is the BEAUTIFUL country of Maine. But I will FIND you, Dustin, so guárdese. ¡GUÁRDESE! —The JLo

[I love this for two big reasons: 1) It’s paying homage to the girls of GoFugYourself when they impersonate JLo, which is one of the best things ever, and 2) it’s just fucking beautiful. Who was it?]

[Our #1, however, is brief and glorious, and about that horrible page of terrible pet products that went up on Pajiba Love the other day]

1. don’t hate on the cat potty training thing, if your pussy’s smart it’ll take only two weeks, and I’m telling you it’s so worth it.

My pussy must be a genius! It only takes me like a few seconds and, I agree—worth it every time!




I love when I get short gems like that. So congratulations, Lindsay (with an “a”), you win a bottle of dog perfume. Don’t use it for your um, cat.

So, have a good Monday and don’t kill anyone for the rest of the week, mmkay? I need y’all to be up here so I can help you start the week out properly: with a truly offensive amount of sexual content and depravity. It’s what I’m here for, folks.

Huh. I just realized that the list is full of genitalia this week. I swear I didn’t do it on purpose*. It just happened.


Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX. She can’t think of anything witty to write here, but you can read her blog at if you have nothing better to do.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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