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A Serious Discussion Of Which 'Suicide Squad' Member Is Best In Bed

By Kristy Puchko, Rebecca Pahle and Agent X | DC Movies | August 9, 2016 |

By Kristy Puchko, Rebecca Pahle and Agent X | DC Movies | August 9, 2016 |

No Marvel Vs. DC bias here! And no super is safe from our very serious, and very sexual discussions. Having previously investigated which Avenger is best in bed (twice), Rebecca, Kristy, and Agent X have re-teamed to uncover which of the Suicide Squad deserves the hot top honor.

WARNING: Spoilers for Suicide Squad are bared below!

Agent X: whassup whassup
Rebecca: Not this movie’s Rotten Tomatoes ranking. hyuk hyuk
Agent X: Correct
Kristy: Well, let’s start with Rick “No Nickname” Flag, non-villain, agent in command man.
Rebecca: Flag seems a little boring to me? And also a little stupid. He thought he could control the Enchantress by, what, asking her nicely? Kind of a dipshit. I also feel like it’s a Jorah-Dany situation, where unless you’re the particular women he’s obsessed with (June Moone, in this case), he wouldn’t really care about your pleasure. Also, can my nickname be “No Nickname”?
Kristy: But he’s very caring. I bet he’d be generous in bed. Though the only thing about him that’s “super” is how vanilla his sex life would be. I bet he gives back rubs and foot massages before AND after.
Agent X: To be fair, the stupidity of his arrangement with June Moone is on everyone.
Rebecca: Up to and including the screenwriters, David Ayer, and everyone at WB
Agent X: Multiple people signed off on the decision to let an all-powerful witch just chill in a hotel room with her boyfriend.
Rebecca: “I’m gonna keep this clay doll containing an evil spirit in an unlocked closet that an evil witch could definitely get into - that won’t end badly, right?”
Agent X: He’s used to taking orders from women, and easily manipulated, if that helps.
Rebecca: Ehhhhh. But I don’t think HE thinks he’s easily manipulated, if that makes sense? Like, “easily manipulated through lying to him” wouldn’t necessarily translate to sexual prowess, whereas “working respectfully with others” would. And I don’t feel like he has that. He’s kind of a dick.
Kristy: He’s a dick to bad guys.
Rebecca: Well, yeah, but the only people we really see him interact with in the movie are bad guys. So that’s what we have to go on
Kristy: I feel like he’d be easily weirded out in bed, shocked just like he is by a bit of purse-snatching. He’s never fucked Enchantress proper, right? Just June?
Rebecca: I…. guess he hasn’t fucked Enchantress? Except in fanfic. I don’t think it’s ever explicitly discussed. I feel like he has certain ideas of how things should go, and if people work outside that, he gets all defensive.
Kristy: He seems to loathe Enchantress. And I mean, to be fair she’s possessing the woman he loves and she’s covered in mud all the time. It’s not a hot look.
Rebecca: Gets defensive and lashes out, I should say. He doesn’t seem all that accepting. Again, unless it’s June.

Kristy: So, how about June and/or Enchantress?
Agent X: June seems like she would have trouble letting go in bed.
Rebecca: Do we have any indication that the Enchantress is interested in sex, really? She probably would for manipulation’s sake. Yeah, June’s gotta be traumatized, through no fault of her own
Kristy: She seems perpetually terrified. Which to be fair, she has a malevolent witch inside her. So, she comes by her baggage honestly.
Agent X: Wouldn’t you, if your body were also a part-time residence to an all-powerful evil witch?
Rebecca: I assume we’re talking about June post-Suicide Squad, when there’s not the option of the Enchantress popping her head out at random moments? I feel like Rick would take the time to be caring and understanding with her, and bring her to a place where they could enjoy sex together.
Kristy: I think Enchantress is a goddess of sex. I mean that crazy dance? She’s like feral fucking in live form.
Agent X: Do we think Enchantress wants to have sex with anyone, though?
Rebecca: I think she’s more about the world domination thing, at the moment. It doesn’t seem like she has the time.
Kristy: So you don’t think she’s banged her brother? Because I think that was pretty heavily implied.
Rebecca: She’s def a little sexy with her motions around him, but that’s just true in general. Granted, between DC and Marvel, DC would be the one to dip their toe into sibling-fucking, but I don’t necessarily see that here.
Agent X: I don’t think the movie offers any real indication that she has fucked her brother.


Rebecca: Imagine if you were boinking June Moone, and then you look down and it’s the Enchantress, covered in mud.
Kristy: That reminds me of a comic I read, “The Spire.” (Editor’s Note: Everyone should read “The Spire.”)
Agent X: I bet Enchantress has a vagina dentata.
Kristy: Based on what?
Agent X: She just seems like she would. Yeah, I bet she can.
Rebecca: We know she can change her costume at will. I wonder if she can give herself vagina dentata at will, too. What’s the point of being a witch if you can’t give yourself vagina dentata when you want to, honestly?
Agent X: Yeah, I bet she can.
Kristy: Like X-Men’s Apocalypse! MAKEOVER POWERS!
Agent X: Ha!
Rebecca: And like Vision! Except with less purple.
Agent X: All of these all-powerful comic book movie villains this summer need to start dreaming a little bigger.
Rebecca: Start watching some Project Runway, some RuPaul’s Drag Race.
Agent X: … Wait, do you think VISION has a vagina dentata? Is that what you were trying to say there?
Rebecca: No, just that he could change his appearance at will. Though he COULD give himself vagina dentata if he wanted to…
Agent X: That’s nice for him. Good for him.
Kristy: Okay, so Enchantress is a scary lay who would maybe fuck her brother, and could possibly clit-bite a dick off. Let’s move along.
Rebecca: I move to the non vagina dentata portion of this conversation with a heavy heart.


Kristy: Deadshot?
Agent X: Deadshot is probably fine?
Kristy: I can feel Rebecca winding up for bad puns.
Rebecca: He hits the right spot every time ;)
Bull’s eye.
Kristy: The right G-spot every time?
Rebecca: I don’t feel the need to explain my puns to you, Warren.
Agent X: I want to know what “Warren” is a reference to but I’m worried it’ll be some terrible stupid pun.
Rebecca: It’s stupid. It’s a paraphrase from an Empire Records line, “I don’t feel the need to explain my art to you, Warren.”
Kristy: I know we know Deadshot has had sex, because he has a biological daughter. But I get no sex vibes from him. Like he seems way more into his weapons than women (or men).
Rebecca: I think what we have to take into account here, too, is that we’re looking at a fairly small window of these peoples’ lives, and a window that’s not very conducive to sexy times, at that.
Agent X: Do we think Deadshot’s obsession with marksmanship also applies to coming? Like he tells a girl, “this time, I’m going to aim for your LEFT eye!” and then cheers to himself when he hits it.
Kristy: Oh, man. Calling his facial shot.
Rebecca: I’m sure Deadshot is fine
Agent X: I’m sure Deadshot is fine, too. He’s a perfectly fine lover with above-average aim.
Rebecca: He’s a fugitive from the law (or was), and we know he has an ex-wife, so I imagine long-term relationships are a problem.

Kristy: So how about Katana? She’s into a seemingly endless relationship.
Agent X: Do we think she and the sword get sexy together? I mean it is her husband trapped in there.
Rebecca: I don’t even want to think about the logistics of that.
Kristy: I mean, scabbard on, it’s the only way she can have her dead husband inside, her, right?
Agent X: I would assume so, yes.
Rebecca: I can’t see her getting down with anyone else, she’s SO hung up on her dead sword hubby.
Kristy: But then it’s also group sex, because everyone she’s killed is in that thing.
Rebecca: Does the hilt count? Is her husband in there?
Agent X: Do her and her husband, like, talk?
Rebecca: But she was talking to her husband, so maybe there’s a way to direct her attentions, as it were, towards one soul?
Agent X: Does she come home from a long hard day at Suicide Squad and her sword is like, “so how was your day?”
Kristy: I think he’s specifically in the blade, because she slides up the scabbard to talk to him.
Agent X: Ohh
Rebecca: I got the impression that she talks to him, but that he doesn’t talk back.
Kristy: Me too. It’s very one-sided, which makes it all the sadder.
Rebecca: TBH, the whole “this sword absorbs the souls of the dead” thing was really underdeveloped.
Agent X: Hrm. Okay. Maybe she doesn’t fuck the sword then.
Rebecca: I hate to be that person, but would that even work?
Agent X: It’s just tossed out there like it’s a TOTALLY NORMAL THING to have a bodyguard with dead souls trapped inside her sword.
Rebecca: It seems like it would be REALLY uncomfortable, even with the scabbard. I see her just not engaging in sex at all.
Agent X: Moving on from the sword, I do think she would struggle, a lot, to open up emotionally enough to even want to have sex with anyone.
Kristy: I think she’s too hung up on her late husband to have sex with a person. So masturbation or swordplay is all I can expect.
Rebecca: She doesn’t even seem to like Rick Flag that much, and she’s his right-hand woman.
Agent X: So, also perfectly fine, with above-average possibility of masturbating on a sword. No one likes Rick Flag that much.
Rebecca: I can’t see her even wanting to have a relationship with anybody. I love how ‘swordplay’ sounds like it should be something else, but no, it’s literally masturbating with a sword.

Kristy: How about Killer Croc?
Agent X: So…. does he have like… human genitals
Kristy: Who is a man, but may have this going on in his sweatpants:

Agent X: Oh my God.
Kristy: RIGHT!
Agent X: That is the most amazing thing I have ever seen.
Rebecca: I am absolutely not going to watch that.
Kristy: Rebecca, it’s called “journalism.”
Rebecca: LOL
Agent X: How pragmatic. What a practical and sane setup to have your genitals reside inside a pocket. So that you can take it out or put it away at will! We should all be so lucky.
Rebecca: Guys, stop talking about crocodicks. Has he ever had sex with anyone? He lived in a sewer until he got arrested, right?
Agent X: Well watch the video so we can stop explaining it to you.
Rebecca: NO
ugh ok fine
wtf it just popped out there
like the world’s weirdest whack-a-mole.
Agent X: Kristy, how did you even find an unlisted video of an alligator penis. Do I want to know?
Rebecca: “Kristy, how did you even find an unlisted video of an alligator penis
Do I want to know” Just pop that on your headstone.
Kristy: I literally googled “crocodile penis” and an article containing that was the #1 hit.
Agent X: Well, Killer Croc clearly has a sex drive. Right? Isn’t he like watching a music video with lots of scantily clad women at the end?
Kristy: He jacks it to BET twerkers apparently.
Rebecca: That’s kinda sad, actually. If he has a sex drive but can’t act on it b/c he looks like that.
Agent X: Right. So unlike say Katana, he has a demonstrated interest in sex. That’s step one.
Rebecca: And also b/c one imagines his social skills are lacking, from living in a sewer.
Agent X: And from being a cannibal.
Rebecca: WTF I missed that part.
Agent X: Wellll, he eats other humans. Not other crocodile-humans.
Rebecca: So: sex workers?
Kristy: I mean, maybe. Gotham sex workers are probably used to some pretty weird customers.
Agent X: Oh no. Do we think he hires sex workers AND THEN EATS THEM?
Please no.
Kristy: No
Rebecca: And I can’t imagine he’d disclose the “I’m a cannibal” thing.
Kristy: I think he only eats people in self-defense.
Rebecca: It wouldn’t necessarily come into play in the bedroom. He seems like he’d be respectful, tbh, to the sex workers.
Kristy: All the same, I bet no woman would let him go down on them.
Agent X: That’s probably just smart. Even if he weren’t a cannibal, do you really want those razor-sharp teeth that close to your clit? Or your dick.
Rebecca: Not warm, but kind enough. Professional. He’d tip well. (no pun intended) It’s probably no muss no fuss, in and out with the retractable crocodick.
Agent X: Guys, are we… is Killer Croc WINNING this so far? These are, like, the nicest things we’ve said about anyone’s skills in bed so far this conversation.
Kristy: Wow.
Rebecca: Who’s the best in bed, among the Suicide Squad? Because most of them aren’t gonna be that good, IMHO.
Agent X: Sometimes serious investigative journalism takes you to unexpected places.
Kristy: But, like, he could kill you with an over-excited kiss/face bite.
Agent X: Let’s put a pin in that.

Kristy: Speaking of potentially dangerous lays, how about the pyrotechnic El Diablo.
Agent X: He likes sex, too. His fantasy is about his wife being, like, “the kids are asleep, let’s bone.”
Rebecca: On the plus side, post-wife killing, it seems like he has a decent amount of control? He’s been cultivating that. Not that I’d want to risk him going fireball INSIDE ME
Agent X: I don’t see why he would.
Rebecca: We know he had control issues at one point, though, right? Thus the wife thing?
Kristy: It’s suggested he only goes all firestarter when he’s pissed. So this isn’t a hulking out at every rapid heartbeat thing.
Rebecca: “Control issues” sounds like he’s going to prematurely ejaculate fire.
Kristy: But he wasn’t fucking his wife when he incinerated her.
Agent X: And even then it seems like he can control how firestarter-y he gets.
I think he probably ejaculates regular old human semen.
Rebecca: OK, so the fire thing doesn’t seem like an issue.
Agent X: Maybe with a slightly elevated possibility of passing down firestarter genes. Nope. But: guy does seem to be angsty AND have a temper. So two points against him.
Rebecca: I believe that there’s someone, somewhere out there in the superheroverse who jizzes fire. Let me have this.
Agent X: Of course there is, Rebecca. Vision could jizz fire if he wanted to. You know, out of his vagina dentata.
Rebecca: Fanfic artists, get on this. But yeah, he’s not going to be particularly emotionally open.
Kristy: But like Katana, he’s got the dead spouse thing as baggage.
Agent X: Maybe he and Katana should date.
Kristy: You guys mock my disinterest in fucking robots, but at what point are they selling robo sex? Oh, they could have detached grief sex.
Kristy: Zack Snyder would be way into that kind of a sex scene.
Rebecca: Leonard Cohen playing in the background.
Agent X: A grief-fuck between a firestarter and a woman with the soul of her dead husband trapped inside her sword? Yes, I can see that.
Rebecca: Assuming he hadn’t died, though - he’s come to SORT OF peace with who he is and his wife’s death.
Rebecca: Is he redeemable, sexually?
Kristy: I mean, assuming he didn’t die in this movie? Maybe. He actually seemed like the most well adjusted of the batch.
Agent X: Okay, so I just watched the alligator penis video again and the best thing is that it looks like the penis just pops out, looks around, realizes there’s nothing there for it, and is like “screw this, I’m going home” It’s a whole narrative!
Rebecca: Best short film Oscar, right there. I like Diablo, and Jay Hernandez is an attractive man. I want to believe.
Agent X: I like to think about how much practice it took for him to spell “BYE” backwards (from his perspective) in fire. His fire penmanship is admirably neat!
Rebecca: OK, so we know he has focus, then.
Kristy: He’s got potential.
Rebecca: Penmanship and sex are practically the same thing.


Kristy: How about Slipknot?
Agent X: He loves knots.
Kristy: Who, I assume, only fucks to music by Slipknot.
Agent X: Oh, GOD.
Rebecca:I refuse to ever let someone named Slipknot near my vagina.
Agent X: Does Slipknot, the band, exist in the DC universe? And if so, did Slipknot, the villain (I refuse to say super), name himself after the band?
Kristy: I have decided yes without proof.
Rebecca: According to the DC Wikia, he made his first appearance in 1984. So he came before the band. Ba-toom-dss.
Kristy: Presumably, Slipknot the baddie would be into BDSM, bondage and all that? Or is that business, not something he mixes with pleasure?
Agent X: If your thing is getting tied up, Slipknot would be good at it. But you would run the risk of him just abruptly dying before he gets around to untying you.
Kristy: But his head would blow too soon. Same joke - but I went for a dick pun!
Agent X: Point Kristy.
Rebecca: Puns, puns everywhere. But yeah, we know so little about him. “Likes bondage” is pretty much it, yeah?
Kristy: And he can “climb anything.”
Agent X: Right.
Kristy: But I don’t see that coming into play in the bedroom.
Rebecca: If he needed to fuck a giantess. Or a giant.
Agent X: That’s great. Good for him.

Kristy: How about my surprise fave of Suicide Squad: Captain Boomerang
Agent X: *rolls up sleeves* Okay, now we’re getting into the shit.
Rebecca: Captain Boomerang is a smelly hobo, I’m sorry. He wears a tracksuit. I won’t.
Kristy: He would definitely smell like flat beer, and that meaty stench that winter coats get when you’ve sweat in them for months and haven’t had them dry cleaned.
Rebecca: You’re not really selling me on him, here.
Kristy: BUT, I bet he’d be enthusiastic and not lethal.
Rebecca: OK, agreed on that.
Agent X: Guys. He would be the MOST FUN. He would not be weirded out by ANYTHING.
Rebecca: He’d be fun, he has experience. I can’t get over the smell thing, though.
Agent X: This dude fucks.
Kristy: That was a cut line from Amanda Waller’s rundown of his character.
Rebecca: I can’t see him having vanilla sex, actually. I don’t want pink unicorns in the bedroom. I won’t have it. It’s too much for me. He’s a goddamn brony.


Agent X: I’m not saying he would be tender and caring and, um, a clean-smelling lover. But it would be a story.
Kristy: Also, he’d come back.
Agent X: Hah.
Kristy: He’s a boomerang after all.
Rebecca: I DID like Jai Courtney in this.
Agent X: Plus he literally does that in the movie. Not with sex. He leaves and then comes back.
Rebecca: That was hilarious, and they should have stuck with it, especially considering he didn’t really do anything for the rest of the movie. I would have loved if it’s the last time you see him, and then the mid-credits scene is him on a beach somewhere.
Kristy: Also, it’d be fun to legit be able to call someone “captain” in the sack.
Agent X: I don’t think he’s a real captain, guys.
Kristy: It’s on his shirt, Agent X. It counts.
Agent X: You can call him captain if you want, but you definitely don’t have to.
Rebecca: He just wants you to call him captain, and that’s not sexy.
Kristy: Eh, I’m into it.
Agent X: Into Boomerang, or into calling people “Captain” in bed?
Kristy: Either? Both?
Rebecca: Well then, he’s your man.
Rebecca: Personally, I won’t fuck a man with muttonchops.

Kristy: So, Harley Quinn? She too would be rowdy. But also, I’m going to guess she’s not great about boundaries.
Agent X: She would not care about your pleasure at all unless you are the Joker.
Rebecca: It’s too risky. There’s the risk of what SHE would do to you, AND what the Joker would do to you.
Rebecca: She’s into some shit, but it’s too dangerous. I’m out.
Agent X: She would also have no boundaries.
Kristy: She’d fuck Killer Croc. Provided the Joker was out of picture.
Agent X: Pros: she’s probably not against kinky shit, and probably not easily weirded out. She is super athletic and agile, so that probably translates well to bedroom skills.
Rebecca: She’d be enthusiastic and flexible, and chatty.
Kristy: But she’s next-level mental. Like criminally insane.
Rebecca: Don’t stick your dick in crazy, then?
Agent X: She seems like she knows how to have fun, though I don’t think she really cares if YOU are having fun.
Kristy: I’d love to get drinks with Harley. But anything more than a hang seems mad risky.
Agent X: If she’s not having fun, she’ll tell you. And might kill you if she gets bored. Not out of, like, sadism. Just to amuse herself.

Rebecca: She got attached to Joker. Like, ATTACHED. Granted, that’s an abusive relationship. And he manipulated her. Who knows where things could end up, even if she DID have fun. She might just show up at your office afterwards to fuck with you.
Kristy: Though I did like that she had a line about sleeping with “who I want, when I want.”
Agent X: Ugh. It should be whom!
Kristy: Oh, right. Grammar boner-killer.
Rebecca: I just did not like the way this movie sexually objectified her, man.
I was not into it.
Agent X: That’s a whole other can of worms.
Kristy: Agreed - but that’s another piece. (Editor’s Note: Coming soon.)
Rebecca: So “potentially good, but probably not worth the risk?”


Agent X: Who’s next?
Kristy: So, I guess we have to talk Joker

Kristy: I’d rather fuck Vision than Joker.
Rebecca: That’s saying something, from the robo-racist
Agent X: Okay then.
Rebecca: Not anytime, not anyplace, not anyhow
Agent X: GUYS.
Rebecca: Shoot
Agent X: Does the Joker’s carpet match the Joker’s drapes?
Rebecca: I think the Joker bikini waxes. I don’t think he has pubes.
Agent X: Bikini waxing still leaves you with hair. You mean Brazilian waxing.
Rebecca: Oh, yeah, that’s the one
Kristy: Yeah. He’s SO into his look, I bet he takes it all down to the hardwood.
Agent X: Fine, do we think the STUBBLE is neon green, then?
Rebecca: No
Agent X: Ooh, a difference of opinions.
Kristy: Ugh. Imagining that pasty dongle is worse than that gator dick vid.
Rebecca: But can you dye your stubble? Can you have it so it comes out green? I wasn’t aware that was physically possible.
Kristy: I think his hair is legit green.
Agent X: Like that it just grows in neon green?
Kristy: Like it is in the asylum flashback, and I don’t think they let him have access to chemicals.
Agent X: Oh, true! But Harley Quinn is ALSO in an asylum, and she finds time to dye her hair before going off on Suicide Squad adventures. So maybe in the DC universe, Manic Panic is just readily available at the commissary.
Rebecca: I bet she’d smuggle him hair dye. Ok, now I have a question: Is there any incarnation of the joker you WOULD fuck. As in, is this “no, never, would not fuck the joker” more a JOKER thing or a LETO thing?
Agent X: I mean, both.
Rebecca: The Leto thing is just icing on the douchebag cake
Kristy: Yeaaah. Both? Every incarnation of the Joker is some serious degree of scary. Like, fun at a distance, but you don’t want him at arm’s length much less cock-length.
Rebecca: Agreed


Agent X: Do we think this Joker’s junk is tattooed. It is, right?
Rebecca: Oh absolutely.
Kristy: Absolutely.
Agent X: What if it says “Damaged?”
Rebecca: He got “wide load” tattooed on there or something.
Kristy: Oh god.
What if it’s his FACE
with the dick as the nose
Agent X: Oh my God.
Rebecca: I can’t even respond to that. That’s terrible.
Agent X: I’m sitting over here doubled over in laughter, just ICYWW. That’s horrifying and hilarious. That would be a GREAT joke. Although, I feel like for someone called the Joker, this version does not seem to have any discernible sense of humor, sick and twisted or otherwise.
Kristy: Then he could say “SIT ON MY FACE” and it’d be a dick joke.
Rebecca: God dammit. He so would.
Kristy: Which falls in line with Leto’s Joker.
Rebecca: “Let me lay inside this circle of perfectly arranged knives” OK, buddy. Leto seems to think tics = humor/edgy/whatever.

Agent X: Bells and whistles aside, he’s obviously terrible in bed, right?
Rebecca: No concern for others, no boundaries, actively dangerous.
Kristy: I bet he thinks he’s a god, but is actually very selfish, and potentially hurtful, physically and emotionally. I bet his dirty talk is beyond fucked up.

Kristy: Oh god. What if Harley has a “matching” tattoo of the Joker’s signature lips on hers.
Agent X: I think she has “Lucky You” tattooed right above her pubic area.
Agent X: Not making this up. I think it’s one of the character’s tattoos in the movie. I found it:


Agent X: Just ICYWW. Anyway.
Rebecca: Oh for crying out loud, that tat.
Kristy: Okay, that’s kind of funny.
Rebecca: Joker absolutely won’t accept feedback in bed. If something’s not working for you, too bad.
Agent X: That seems about right, but I also bet he is just… not that good. Like, I bet he spends so much time on pageantry that it takes forever to get around to the actual fucking.
Rebecca: Imagine Leto Joker’s orgasm noises. He’d sound like a fucking looney toon.
Agent X: I bet once you get there he needs you to constantly say how great he is.
Agent X: I am SURE he doesn’t care about the other person at all, but will get all angry and fly off the handle if the other person doesn’t at least pretend this is the best lay ever. And then I bet he does the sitcom husband thing and just rolls over and falls asleep snoring afterward.
Kristy: I just feel like it’d be like his performance in the movie, where he thinks it’s pioneering earth-shatter stuff. And it’s meh. Meh to annoying

Kristy: So, Viola Davis is a boss. But what’s the deal with Amanda Waller’s sex life?
Agent X: I think she probably uses and discards people. Can’t imagine she’d be big on cuddling or emotional connection.
Rebecca: She doesn’t seem at all interested, in the movie. But A) it takes place during a crisis, so there’s not much room for sexy banter and B) she’s surrounded by incompetent morons.
Kristy: I have a theory.
Rebecca: It could be bunnies?
Kristy: I think Amanda Waller is a sugar momma to some dumb hunk.
Agent X: Why are bunnies involved with this now, what is happening?
Agent X: …
Rebecca: ……i like that theory
Kristy: He doesn’t know what she does for a living. Doesn’t know her job. But he gets the call and he comes running to a fancy hotel.


Agent X: I could see that. Her being a sugar momma I mean. Not her fucking bunnies.
Kristy: Totally. But she seems so business, I don’t imagine she’s fucking about much with dating.
Rebecca: It seems like Waller would appreciate the finer things in life. She doesn’t seem like the self-denial type. She’d be SUPER up-front about what she wants.
Kristy: In exchange, he gets some fancy things. He’s well-kept, but clueless.
Agent X: So like Rick Flag but even dumber?
Kristy: Yes, and WAY hotter.
Agent X: Rick Flag looks like Joel Kinnaman. He’s pretty enough.
Rebecca: Eh, he’s generic-looking to me
Kristy: Kinnaman is handsome, but not hot. He doesn’t give me the vapors.
Rebecca: Guys, now I want to watch 50 Shades of Grey, but with Viola Davis as Christian Grey. And also not bad.
Agent X: I still do not want to rewatch 50 Shades of Grey.
Kristy: I would watch Viola Davis play Amanda Waller in any scenario. But yes, I’d be totally down for her domming some studly sub.
Rebecca: Imagine Jared Leto’s Joker saying he’s “fifty shades of fucked up.”
Agent X: I bet he says that. He has a “Damaged” tattoo on his forehead. He definitely says stuff like “I’m Fifty Shades of fucked up.”
Kristy: HAHAHAHAHA! I bet he and Harley date nighted to that. And Joker thought it was WAY subversive.
Agent X: I feel like, though, that if Amanda Waller hit on me, I would be terrified.
Kristy: I would too. But I’d be DOWN.
Agent X: I’d be like, is this a trap? Am I going to die?
Kristy: Maybe. Probably.

Rebecca: If something wasn’t working for her, she’d let you know. She’s cold, though, emotionally.
Kristy: I’m not saying it would be a wise choice. But I don’t think I could resist her bossness.
Rebecca: Do we feel like she’d respect boundaries? b/c there’s some mercenary behavior going on in Suicide Squad.
Kristy: I think she sets the boundaries.
Rebecca: And if her partner doesn’t agree to them, he can fuck off and she’ll find someone else?
Agent X: Basically. Imagine her coldly telling her sugar baby that he was just slightly off his game today and he had better improve if he wants her to pay for his textbooks next semester.
Rebecca: That makes sense. I want Amanda Waller to have a whole FLEET of kept boys. A sugar baby in every port.
Kristy: She has to pick ‘em dumb. Anyone too bright would need to die.
Agent X: Anyone too bright might ask questions. She might only have one at a time but cycle through them quickly. She’s in the market for a 30 Rock-style “sex idiot”. Guys, if that’s everyone, we can go back to that earlier question of which Suicide Squadder is best in bed.
Kristy: Ok. So of the whole lot…

Agent X: It’s Boomerang. It’s obviously Boomerang.
Kristy: Oh wow. Yeah?
Rebecca: ……I’m gonna say Waller
Rebecca: Look, NEITHER of them are good long-term, really, in terms of relationships.
Kristy: I think Waller is great at her game. I’m not sure she’d care about a partner’s pleasure on any level.
Rebecca: You’re looking at just sex, for both of them.
Agent X: First of all, there is a really good chance that you will make it out of an encounter with Boomerang ALIVE.
Rebecca: Amanda is skilled, she’s focused, she knows what she wants and she doesn’t smell.
Kristy: Yes, but she has no incentive to give a damn about a partner.
Agent X: Second, he is the only person in this movie, besides Harley, who seems to know what “smiling” or “fun” are.
Kristy: I think Agent X is right.
Rebecca: I am just way less sold on Boomerang’s sexual prowess than you guys are.
Agent X: He’d be down for whatever, and would be open to suggestions, unlike Amanda Waller.
Rebecca: And I don’t think Boomerang would give a damn about his partner either he’s a self-absorbed, smelly jackass.
Kristy: He’s a coward. He’s not selfish. Being a coward isn’t an issue in bed. Boomerang is a bit grody. But give him a shower, and he’d be down for the pound.
Agent X: Imagine approaching Amanda Waller with, “So I’ve always wanted to try out this one thing I saw in a movie…” She’d just stare at you until you meekly continued, “… never mind.”
Rebecca: But Viola Davis, though. But Viola Davis!

Kristy: Also, Waller’s disappointment face might make you flaccid for life.
Rebecca: I would only want to have sex with either of them once
Agent X: With Boomerang, he would probably laugh in your face and then be like eh, sure, why the fuck not.
Rebecca: The issue is whether I’d want to have super-intense, if impersonal sex with Viola Davis in a four-star hotel room, or fun but ALSO slightly impersonal sex with someone who smells like a truck stop bathroom in a Motel 6. I go the former. Amanda Waller’s got skills. Boomerang wouldn’t remember your name.
He probably wouldn’t ask.
Agent X: He’s not especially generous, but I do not think anyone in this movie is.
Kristy: Yeah, Boomerang seems he’d be more GGG (Good, giving, game)
Agent X: Why do I care if any of these people remember my name? I’m not dating any of them.
Rebecca: And he KEEPS FLIRTING with Katana even though she’s clearly not interested!


Kristy: Oh, imagine if Boomerang could bang a smile onto Katana’s visible face!
That does my heart good. See, I think Waller is a hotter choice. But I also think she’d be so focused on her needs, it could be a cold experience getting down with her.
Agent X: Either encounter would result in the need to take a really long shower, but only one of them would leave you crying into your soap.

Agent X: So two votes for Boomerang, one for Waller. This is the rare one of these posts where a woman is not the clear winner.
Kristy: I think we need to leave this to the commenters.


Can’t get enough Serious Discussions? Check out past installments on Harry Potter, The Avengers and their cohorts, Disney villains, Game of Thrones, Star Wars OG and New Class.

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Kristy Puchko is the managing editor of Pajiba. You can follow her on Twitter.