We’re classy as hell here at Pajiba, so it’s time for the literary version of F*ck, Marry, Kill. I know, right? Books, sex, and violence, can life get any better? Reality and the space-time continuum mean nothing to us. To expand and soothe our horizons, let’s add a friendship to the mix, the character you would love to hang out with.
Fornicate: Sebastian, Lord St. Vincent from The Devil in Winter by Lisa Kleypas. He’s so hot, I don’t even mind that he is blond, and you know he can lay some pipe.
Espouse: Joss Weatherby from Quick Service by P.G. Wodehouse. He’s funny, charming, and laid back, plus he pulls off Jocelyn as a first name. Always impressive. It was almostalmost Psmith.
Extirpate: Every single adult who is cruel to a child in a Charles Dickens novel. I’m pretty sure that will reduce the number of characters by 87.3%, and that’s a conservative estimate.
Fraternize: Lucy Marsden from Oldest Living Confederate War Widow Tells All by Alan Gurganus. I’ve given this book to a lot of people. It’s a sprawling epic and the main character is an absolute kick. Married at 13 to man in his fifties, she survives him and everything else thrown at her.
Did you notice that I am so elegant, I used fancy words for each category? I had to consult a Thesaurus, but don’t try to tell me you’ve never done so for one of your comments, or that you have never double-checked your spelling.
Given our recent foray into acknowledging classic books we f*cking hate, I’m not expecting things to go well for Heathcliff, Holden, or Pip.
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