This week, Twitter announced it would lay off seven percent of its workforce and shutter Vine, its looping video service adored by people half your age. The staff reduction comes after year-long talks with Disney, Microsoft, Google, and most recently, Salesforce, about purchasing the social media platform failed to procure an offer. For some reason, a company that allows Nazi frogs to send Jewish users images of their families being shoved into ovens, lets socially maladjusted man-babies unrepentantly harass women, and permits anonymous threats against people’s families for daring to deliver an opinion that runs contrary to their 7th century ideals is having some difficulty attracting suitors. Keep yanking down those sports GIFs, though, Jack. That’ll up your share price.
Twitter is a juvenile, hateful, shallow, infuriating, utterly disposable outlet that gives humanity’s vilest creatures the unwelcome opportunity to force their misspelled syphilitic ramblings onto the general populace. Take the worst of Facebook, Instagram and Tumblr, fuse it with an all-caps anti-government email from your welfare-collecting aunt, and shove the noxious concoction into casings made from melted 4chan servers. Cook 25-30 minutes over a burning landfill. Garnish lightly with shredded Bill Cosby deposition transcripts. Serve immediately.
Sure, its reputation as an unprecedented harassment vehicle is well deserved. But Twitter can be a fascinating, entertaining, even rewarding wonderland. Unless you’re a woman. Or a minority. Or gay. Or transgender. Or [list trimmed because it’s torpedoing my point]. For those 126-129 groups, it’s horrible. For everyone else — uh, welp, I guess we’re down to just white men again — Twitter offers substantial rewards. It’s an unprecedented information delivery system. It’s a fantastic tool for discovering new voices (and for being discovered). It allows you to directly interact with previously untouchable public figures (this admittedly, is a double edged sword).
Today, in its darkest hour, we haven’t come to trash Twitter. We’ve come to honor it. Post your all-time beloved tweet in the comments below with a brief explanation around why it’s your favorite. The best five entries will receive absolutely nothing because obviously.
My favorite is this magnificent joke from @leyawn.
SOCRATES: I am wiser than this man; he fancies he knows something, although he knows nothing—— leon (@leyawn) April 8, 2015
DARRYL, SOCRATES' FRIEND: fuck him up socrates
Flawless. Just flawless. Visually hysterical and clever without a single wasted word. It pops up in my timeline about once a month and still makes me laugh as loud as it did first time I saw it almost a year ago.
Ok crew. Whatcha got?