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What I've Learned

By Tater Barley Banks | Comment Diversions | January 16, 2010 |

By Tater Barley Banks | Comment Diversions | January 16, 2010 |

I subscribe to Esquire and one of my favorite parts of any issue is “What I’ve Learned.” They (usually — it caused a fuss when they did Meg and Jack White) pick a celeb with a few miles on him/her and let said celeb expound a bit on life’s truths, large and small. They don’t print the questions, just the answers. Here’s a recent example:

And BTW if you don’t think Joan Jett is THE Hotness you haven’t learned a damn thing.

Anyway, I’ve got a few miles on me but I can only come up with three absolute truths I’ve learned:

1. Things are never as bad as they seem.

This was probably never more true around here than with the recent New Moon Twilight debacle, in which many people read a full-on apocalypse for the female species into the clamor about a bit of fluff entertainment.

Get a grip. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that we can survive anything. We’ve made it through World Wars and and 9/11 and swine flu and Sparkletits. We’ll make it through global warming and 2012 and the loss of Oprah.

The second may seem contradictory, but it’s equally true:

2. Things can always get worse.

I’m a Pittsburgh Pirates fan. I learned about 10 years ago never, ever to say “It can’t get any worse.”

Finally — and there can be no dispute about this and it needs no explanation:

3. Three words, ladies: Little. Black. Dress.

What have you learned?

TATER BARLEY BANKS is not to be trusted. He probably makes up everything he writes about himself, especially the stuff about living in West Virginia. Don’t be fooled. In truth, he lives in Pajibaland, where he speaks gibberish as , (TCFKAB), spends his time sitting on a park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent, and is developing a 25-letter alphabet, now that his key doesn’t work. He has no blog, no Facebook page and no MySpace page, so don’t try to find him. If you’re so inclined, you can email Tater.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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