Okay folks, give me your worst. One recent evening, I was flipping through the television guide to see what the offerings were, and there it was: Deliverance. Yak. I can hardly stand to even type the word. I realized that any time I see that movie title, I get past it as quickly as humanly possible and try to wash it from my brain with lots and lots of other words. Gotta flush it out before I can even get a mind visual of Ned Beatty or Burt Reynolds. I have the need to un-see! So moving right along…
That’s not the worst movie I’ve ever seen though. When at first I thought about what The Worst Movie I’ve Ever Seen would be, my sarcastic mind went to Avatar. I’m still pissed about sitting through that one, but my brain also knows that it’s not the worst. It’s stupid, slow, the dialogue is horrendous and I felt insulted by it, but it’s still not at the top of my list.
The sad part about the two films that dueled it out in my head, is that the reason I saw either of them was because they were both made by “esteemed” directors and both received critical acclaim (idiots). Though they almost tied, in the end, The Worst Film I Ever Saw won out because it was just too terrifyingly real and it made me want to crawl out of my skin. After a bit of contemplation, my runner-up is Neil Jordan’s (The Crying Game, “The Borgias”) The Butcher Boy. For Godtopus’ sake, don’t ever watch this movie. It won Jordan the Best Director award at the Berlin Film Festival, but as far as I’m concerned it was just too horrifying and gory an insight on how a messed-up and abusive childhood can create a monster.
But The Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen is, by a longshot, John McNaughton’s (Mad Dog and Glory, “Homicide: Life on the Street”) Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. Henry makes Hannibal Lecter look like a fuzzy, little Muppet. The film watches like a documentary, following a serial killer based on real life murderer, Henry Lee Lucas. Henry (Michael Rooker) is a walking nightmare and he will give you nightmares. I still don’t know how or why I made it through the entire film, but I regret it and I wish will all my heart I could wipe its every trace from my brain. If you haven’t seen it, don’t be curious and don’t ever watch it.
So now, your turn—is it a comedy that was so poorly acted you had to walk out? A horror film that went too far? Something along the lines of Elaine’s idea of the all too drawn-out and boring, The English Patient? Save your fellow Pajibans from unnecessary suffering and tell them, what is The Worst Movie You’ve Ever Seen?