I am both kicking it old school and reaching into the diversion vaults (shoebox) with this one. What is the most boring movie you have ever seen? Not Plan 9 From Outer Space bad, rather, dull, interminable, tis a ponderous film. A movie so tedious that if you had a week to live, you would watch it on a loop to make the time drag on and so you would welcome the sweet release of death. With any luck your answer will come to you as quickly as it did to me: The Hours. Never has a movie been more aptly named.
Do you remember The Hours? If you have succesfully blocked it out, kudos to you! Nicole Kidman and a ludicrous prosthetic nose won the Oscar for it that she should have won for To Die For. From what I can recall, it’s about Virginia Wolfe writing Mrs. Dalloway, Meryl Streep’s character is living Mrs. Dalloway’s day, and Ed Harris is around being surly and dying of AIDS. He kills himself partway through. We were so jealous. I think Julianne Moore was in there somewhere as well. Perhaps in flashbacks as the mother of the the bitter guy? I refuse to give this movie one more second of my life by checking IMDb. If Moore was there, I’m sure she was crying. It’s how she do.
We saw The Hours at the local art house theatre and the place was full. Kidman’s ludicrous prosthetic nose set a bad tone and it went downhill from there. I hold Meryl Streep personally responsible for keeping me awake. She was the only good part of the movie, but she wasn’t always on screen, so just when I thought I was passed out, she pulled me back in. Stupid Streep. I spent the film in bouts of lolling hurrumphantly in my seat and praying for a lightning strike. About halfway through, Mr. Julien offered to sacrifice himself by running at the screen so that everyone could flee the theatre. He refrained, but the sentiment was appreciated.
As we left 4 dog years later, we were complaining (loudly) about the movie and making the obvious joke, “The Hours? It should have been called The Centuries,” and some of the other patrons gave us horrified looks as, clearly, we were philistines. It was the most enjoyable part of the movie by far.
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