Single White Male
I was wondering what the Pajibans would like to do for this most auspicious of days that being VD Day. If seen it referred to that over the past few years and it’s confused me something awful. Considering Valentine’s Day already has a “day” in the title, I’m forced to assume that it means something altogether different. So, that said, happy Venereal Disease day! How should we celebrate?
I know, what better way to enjoy VD day than to engage in some strange? You understand what I mean. Let’s go out and meet new people. Try something off of the other side of the menu. See what colour the grass is on the other side of the pitch. Yes good people, let’s get out there and bang people we don’t know! Herpes for everyone and syphilis for some, you’ll need antibiotics by the time I’m done.
What better way to meet some lovely and anonymous people than with a personal ad? Indeed, is there a better example of personal truth and openness than an earnest recounting of one’s own particular quirks and idioms? Nay, good people, shun the bars and grocery stores and churches of the world as your mate for the rest of the day resides right here on the Internet. I’ll even offer my own 100% accurate and undeniably tasteful example of an article that is sure to entice any reader into my dungeo…errr heart.
“Hello, my name is Robert Scott. I’m 33 years old and having the time of my life living in a house full of women! The only problem is that I can’t have relations with any but one and she’s made it very clear that it won’t happen “until Jennifer Aniston wins and Oscar,” so I’d like to meet you. I’m 6-foot-2 and 220 pounds which makes me only slightly overweight. I have luscious brown hair and piercing blue eyes that are only a little bloodshot. I have a job that pays me money and a car that almost gets me there four days out of five. I live in a house with a TV in it.
I’m looking for a woman (female preferably) that will let me touch her. I don’t really care where just as long as you don’t shudder in revulsion when I do. Orifices preferred but I will not argue if a well-lubricated crease is proffered in its place. If you wouldn’t mind talking to me at some point during our evening, it would be appreciated, but it’s not necessary. I can offer you a scrumptious dinner of whatever the women have left for me and the dog has passed over, twenty bucks and a gift certificate for one free test from The Free Clinic. If you’re interested, please give me a call or e-mail. This is a really great deal as I can guarantee that it will be over before you know it.”
See, it’s really quite simple. Play along and see who expresses an interest in your arts erotic and sensual. Or you could just sit at home, flaccid genitals in hand; furiously masturbating to Golden Girls re-runs while using your own tears as lubricant. It’s your choice.