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Rainbow Coalition (of Doom)

By Sarah Larson | Comment Diversions | April 7, 2010 |

By Sarah Larson | Comment Diversions | April 7, 2010 |

I don’t want to shift anybody’s plane of reality or anything, but I’m a little bit weird. Specifically, I’m extremely weird about television viewing habits. I’ve never seen a single episode of “The Office” or “LOST” or “Dexter” or “Breaking Bad” or countless other shows, but I will waste hour upon hour voluntarily rotting my brain with episodes of “Little House on the Prairie.” Every once in awhile, however, I stop bumping episode discs of quality television to the bottom of my Netflix queue (the better to make room for idiotic shit like the 1965 Rodgers & Hammerstein TV-movie version of Cinderella, starring Lesley Ann Warren, dontcha know) and actually watch something decent. Such a miracle happened only last week, when I finally sat my ass down and watched “Deadwood,” and now I am inconsolably heartbroken over the fact that Al Swearengen is not in fact a real person, and we can never become whiskey-swilling, hoople-swindling besties. Actual fleshlife humans are nothing but limp wristed disappointments in comparison to Al Swearengen, y’all.

In other news, did you guys know that a new variety of Peep happened again this Easter? Yes, that’s right, those marshmallow harbingers of doom are continuing their evolution in preparation for the day they finally destroy us all, no doubt in cahoots with the Cadbury Crème Egg, which is officially documented as a violation of the Geneva Convention (true story [that might be a lie]). Anyway, Peeps can now happen with a plastic looking chocolate coating, because I guess regular plain ol’ Peeps somehow weren’t vile enough on their own merit. My mother gave me two of them in my Easter basket (yes, I still get an Easter basket, because my mother has sense enough to acknowledge the fact that I ceased all cognitive development somewhere around age eight) and I experimentally poked at one with a plastic fork. It turns out that they still have that crystalline sugar coating, and are also covered in what looked to be approximately a three-quarter inch chocolate shell, because the method of mankind’s Easter confection destruction will clearly be a mass occurrence of spontaneous diabetic coma.

Just so you know. Forewarned is forearmed, and whatnot.

So anyway, a friend of mine from high school was recently dumped via an email which his girlfriend sent to his mother, declining to attend his family’s annual Easter brunch as she normally has in the past, on account of how they’d broken up. Which she forgot to tell him. Or maybe she thinks breaking up with his mother is actually the right way to go about the situation. I’m not really sure which of those things is worse.

Depending on how vicious, insane, or just plain unfortunate you are, your answers may vary, but please to describe the most abnormal and/or inappropriate ways you’ve dumped someone or been dumped. Extra bravery points for brutal honesty, campers!

Sarah Larson lives in Minnesota, where she is usually up to no good. She doesn’t believe in really tan people wearing really light lip products, because seriously, they look like total freaks. She can be reached by email here.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.