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Not a Square to Spare

By Tater Barley Banks | Comment Diversions | November 27, 2010 |

By Tater Barley Banks | Comment Diversions | November 27, 2010 |


I was at work the other day, sitting in a stall and taking care of business, if you get my drift, when I reached for the paper and encountered only the cardboard spindle.

Uh-oh. Should have checked the paper supply first, like I usually do. What now?

Fortunately, I heard water running in a sink nearby and, for the second time in a minute,. felt vast relief.

“Hello?” I said, a little timidly, aware that restroom tiles tend to amplify every little squeak in the place and not wanting to scare the sh … um, hell out of whoever was there.

No reply. The water stops running and I hear the THUNK THUNK of the paper towel dispenser.

“Hel-LOOOOO!” A little louder this time.

No reply.

The hell?

“HEY! A little help here please?” (Now that I think of it, I hope I didn’t say “Can you give me a hand here?” but I might have.)

I hear the restroom door open.

Of course, by now I’m flashing on the “Seinfeld” where Elaine is in a similar predicament and begs the women in the stalll next to her for just a square, only to be rebuffed: “I don’t have a square to spare.”

“HELLO! HELP!?!”

The door closes.

Now it’s not a big company I work for. I could sit there for half an hour before anyone else comes in. What do I do?

Well, that part of the “Seinfeld” episode is never quite addressed, I don’t think, but I can only assume Elaine did what I did. I opened the stall door, wished for luck that no one would choose that moment to take a leak, and, with my pants around my knees and cursing the foul demon (whoever he was) who left me in such a predicament, shuffled squishily into the next stall, where there was paper, glorious paper, wonderful, thin, scratchy, one-ply, cheap-ass paper.

Ahhhhhhh.

So when did your life imitate art, or at least a sit-com? When have you said to yourself, “Sheesh, it’s just like being in ‘Two and a Half Men’?”

To suggest a diversion idea or leave Tater a fan letter, you can reach him by email.




Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.



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