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Your New Year's Resolutions for 2010

By Sarah Larson | Comment Diversions | December 30, 2009 |

By Sarah Larson | Comment Diversions | December 30, 2009 |

So… it’s New Year’s Eve. I know that means we’re all supposed to drink and party and scream “WHOOOOOOOO!!” intermittently for six or seven hours straight, but I got way too old and tired for that shit like five years ago. Screaming for no good reason is the province of younger people. I have to conserve my energy so I can make it up the stairs every day, you know? These old bones, they are brittle. I could fall and shatter a hip at any moment! I’ll be spending New Year’s Eve in my pajamas, eating popcorn and Jello Jigglers and watching Seven Brides for Seven Brothers on a loop until I fall asleep. I am a party animal.

If your bones aren’t as brittle as mine and you still like to party like it’s 1999, then please remember tonight to invite a frenemy along to the festivities so they can be your designated driver. Stick some cab money in your bra (that goes for you gents, as well). Take the bus, or the subway, or the light rail. Call your mummy or daddy. Do what you gotta do, but stay safe, okay? This message has been brought to you by the Paranoid Premature Geriatrics of America™.

Mooooving on, I don’t normally do New Year’s resolutions. It’s partly because I am one of the laziest people I have ever met, but mostly because I usually prefer to do things arbitrarily as the mood strikes me and not just because the calendar says I have to. I’m feeling both ambitious and cooperative today, however, so here’s my list of New Year’s resolutions:

1) Try not to be so goddamn lazy all the time.

At least once a week, I resolve to put on actual clothes instead of just putting on a new pair of pajamas every day when I get out of the shower. I also resolve that yoga pants and track pants no longer count as actual clothes. I would say that I resolve to do something more with my hair than just sticking it in a ponytail every day of my life, but let’s not get too crazy, here.

2) Eat more real food.

I resolve to stop subsisting on my usual standbys (cereal, salads, granola bars, fruit, yogurt, cheese and nuts) and try to eat actual cooked food at least once a day. Failing that, I resolve to at least buy some goddamn beef jerky or something so I don’t die of a protein deficiency.

3) Try not to be such a heinous bitch all the time.

This includes attempting to refrain from the following:
Accusing people of being clinically retarded
Threatening to punch people in the face and/or kill them in the head
Scowling when people tell me nice things
Wishing I was an orphan with no living relatives
Telling people they’re not allowed to make talky noises anymore

4) Seriously, whittle down the effing Netflix queue.

My Netflix queue actually isn’t quite as bad as it used to be, but it’s still sitting at over 400 and that’s just ridiculous. I need to stop watching Clue and “iCarly” and Anastasia all the time, so that I can occasionally squeeze in something I haven’t already seen four thousand times. Random, retarded shows which I stumble across on the Netflix insty-watch do not count (“McLeod’s Daughters”, I’m lookin’ at you).

5) Answer the phone more often.

Only assholes let everyone go to voicemail. I gotta stop being such a total asshole. And yes, this includes when my parents call me. It probably won’t actually kill me to talk to them for twenty minutes.

Okay, your turn. What are your New Year’s Eve plans? If you do the resolution thing, what’s your list?

Sarah Larson lives in Minnesota, where she is usually up to no good. She only updates her blog when bullied into it, but you can read the archive here if you’re bored enough.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.