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Mowing Lawns and Eating Candy

By Miscellaneous | Comment Diversions | August 5, 2010 |

By Miscellaneous | Comment Diversions | August 5, 2010 |

Thanks to William Goss’ fabulous little random list of horror nostalgia and particularly his inclusion of Candyman in said list, I was a reminded of a summer approximately seventeen years ago when a group of friends and I would congregate at a buddy’s house every damn day with the sole intent of eradicating brain cells by almost any means necessary. It was exceptionally convenient that his parents were continually absent and that his older sister was more concerned with banging her greaser boyfriend than being responsible for her brother. So, every care free summer day for about three weeks, we would show up with all manner of substances and enjoy some of the greatest cinematic selections. At least they were great to our liquor and drug addled brains. Two movies stood out to us and we watched them over and over at least once every day throughout that blissfully ignorant time. The first was The Lawnmower Man.

I’ll be the first to admit that it’s not the greatest movie ever made, but you have to keep in mind that it was 1993, I was sixteen and tripping balls so the effects were pretty awesome. I had to watch the damn thing six times (the sixth while I was sober) to finally figure out what the fuck was going on. Essentially, a mentally challenged gardener becomes a test subject for a doctor’s new computer program. Said simpleton eventually begins to grow smarter and ends up becoming the brilliant master of a virtual world that can miraculously extend his powers into reality. Sure, it looks kind of shitty but trust me when I say that It’s the stuff that great acid trips are made of. Regardless of movie quality, it was a hell of a good time and my first experience with virtual reality. Both in the movie and in real life.

The second feature in our daily routine was Candyman.

Candyman was not a good movie to watch with a head full of crazy paper. That shit was scary but we would usually have a few beers (or sixteen) to take the edge off and put us in the mood. Nevertheless we watched it religiously as it was one of the only genuinely scary movies that we knew of at the time. I won’t even bother with a synopsis as, if you haven’t seen it, you should probably go and make love to yourself with the wide end of a snow shoe. Suffice to say that the hook, the bees (please keep your Nicholas Cage jokes to yourself) and the menace that was Tony Todd combined for a terrifying experience that could always guarantee you a teenage girl attached firmly to whatever part of you was available. It also had the habit of causing spontaneous make-out sessions. Hey, if you can’t tell by now, my friends and I weren’t exactly what most would call normal.

Those two films are an integral part of a joyous summer as a teenager that I’ll remember (mostly) till the day I die. Even though they cannot be held up as the pinnacle of movie making genius, they’ll always have a place in my heart and mostly functional brain. So tell me, what are the movies that you’ll always remember from those blissful, uncaring summers of yore.

Note: We’ll be excluding Bucdaddy from this diversion as they didn’t have teenagers back when he was one.

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