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I Slam In The Back Of My Dragula

By Miscellaneous | Comment Diversions | February 3, 2011 |

By Miscellaneous | Comment Diversions | February 3, 2011 |

I fucking hate driving in this city. I am now utterly convinced that the worst drivers in North America can be found right here in this small city of epileptic mongoloids. It took a while for me to come to this conclusion, as I had to experience the joys of driving in Orlando first. Even though nobody knew what a signal light is, there was still an understanding between the members of the commuting commune that one shouldn’t drive like toddler on crank. Sadly, that is not the case here.

A majority of the population of my fair city seem to lack even the most basic understanding of both the written and unwritten rules of the road. Whether it’s a lack of comprehension or just a general issue of an IQ on par with that of a Kardashian, people are just idiots. Observing a four way stop in this city is like watching a bunch of virgins about to get naked for the first time. “You go first. No you go first. Okay, how about we go at the same time? Okay. No, wait, you go first.” Fuck, it’s pretty god damn simple asshats! He who stops first shall go first. It’s in the bible.

Twice this week I’ve been screamed at because an idiot made an illegal left turn across three lanes of traffic and I didn’t stop for him. I was always under the impression that traffic proceeding in a straight line has the right of way, but apparently it’s dependant on personal preference and/or size of vehicle. I usually react to this idiocy with a sardonic thumb up or, in exceptional situations, a hearty golf clap. There is one offence, however, that immediately sends me into a rage so strong that I just can’t help myself. I find that I wish for one of the cars from Death Race 2000 so I can go all The Road Warrior on a motherfucker. What I wouldn’t give for a Lawmaker or Bond’s Aston Martin or even KITT for Sweet Tea Zombie Jesus’ sake. Any thing to be able to crush the offender beneath vulcanized rubber wrath. This egregious offence: the failed merge.

It’s a very simple concept. You increase your speed to match that of the traffic you are merging into, make minor adjustments so that you can fit into a space appropriate for your vehicle, and move to the left (or right for our mixed up readers on the other side of the ocean). That something so simple could be so royally buggered by so many people verily sodomizes my mind. Two weeks ago, while on my way to something undoubtedly nefarious, many others and I attempted to merge onto the freeway. All was going smoothly until the lead car decided that this was all to much for his dumb ass and promptly came to a complete stop in the merging lane. Of course this caused a back up all the way to the entrance of the ramp, people to pull into 100km traffic from a dead stop due to impatience and more than a few close calls on the freeway. The entire merge lane emptied out around that muncher of fucks and every single one of us had at least one finger free to thank the idiot for the excitement. You can not merge into speeding traffic while driving a leisurely 50km an hour and you sure as Satan’s left testicle can’t do it from a stand still. I’m twitching like I’ve got Alzheimer’s just thinking about it.

So, good people, please share the frustrations you have with the other automobile enthusiasts on the road. Just don’t fucking slow down!

Robert Scott has been in one accident in his entire life and it was probably your fault. Nice work, asshole.

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