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I Have a Gweat Fwend in Wome Called Biggus Dickus

By Tater Barley Banks | Comment Diversions | June 12, 2010 |

By Tater Barley Banks | Comment Diversions | June 12, 2010 |

There’s a “Seinfeld” where shallow Jerry wants to dump his beautiful girlfriend because she won’t laugh at his jokes so he can take up with her equally gorgeous roommate, who finds him hysterical.

George tells him this is impossible, that no man in the history of the universe has successfully negotiated the roommate swap. Nevertheless, they spend hours trying to figure out how to pull it off, until just as they’re about to give up, George has a stroke of genius:

Jerry will suggest to his girlfriend that he wants to have a threesome with her and her roommate. His girlfriend will think he’s a pervert and break up with him, and tell the roommate all about it. The roommate will feel flattered. Jerry will wait a few days, then call and ask the roommate out. When she asks the now ex-girlfriend if it’s OK, the GF will say, “You can HAVE him.”

This, of course, doesn’t go according to plan.

Instead, as Jerry explains to George, the girlfriend tells him that, yeah, she’s interested in the threeway, and she’s told the roommate and the roommate is into it too.

George is astonished. This is great! he says.

But Jerry says he can’t do it.

George is astonished. Why not?

Because, Jerry says, “I’m not an orgy guy. I’ll have to start wearing robes and using lotions …”

This is both hilarious and horrifying to the hundreds of millions of us guys who would happily tattoo “Death to Islam” and an image of the Prophet Mohammed on Mom’s forehead and install her in an Iranian prison if it meant having a threeway with two gorgeous girls.

I know I would.

(BTW, this isn’t going where you think it is, so calm down. In fact, you’ll get whiplash in a minute.)

Not that, at this point in my life, there’s even a remote chance of this ever happening to me without 1) being at a funeral and 2) large sums of money exchanging hands.

No, this is to explain my predilection for threeway porn, which I was perusing the other day — two girls were simultaneously using a guy for a lollipop, a really BIG lollipop — when I suddenly realized I had heard of a woman here in my city whose name is (and I shall deliberately misspell it so Google searches don’t bring wanderers here) Sharin’ Semens.

I believe I also may have mentioned that Mrs. Tater has a relative of some sort with the unfortunate name of Dick Seamon.

But even those don’t top my list of favorite “found porns” names. That honor belongs to an exit sign on I-81 near Scranton, Pa.:

Sugar Notch

Now I can’t be the only one who sees porn names everywhere I go. Some of you must know some real people and places with funny or unfortunate names. Let’s hear ‘em. (And we already know about Intercourse and Blue Ball, Pa., so try to be more original, ‘K?)

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.