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Hope I Die Before I Get Old

By Tater Barley Banks | Comment Diversions | May 15, 2010 |

By Tater Barley Banks | Comment Diversions | May 15, 2010 |

I have a birthday this month and I’m old. You know how you know you’re old? You start a sentence, “One of my doctors said …” I did that the other day. Then I thought about how many doctors I have. Family doctor. Heart doctor. Cancer doctor. Eye doctor. Dick doctor.

So you may notice an age and death cant to this month’s weekend diversions. Such as this one.

The other day I was telling my friend and coworker Jesse that I didn’t want to live forever.

“75 sounds about right,” I said. “I won’t have spent every last dime keeping myself alive and I won’t be a burden on Tater Tot. If I’m losing my mind I won’t be too far gone. I won’t be wallowing in my own urine (or anyone else’s) in some snakepit of a nursing home. If I could just step off the planet and float into space and combust, that would be perfect.”

And he said someone had asked a number of hospice workers and nurses and other people who care for the sick, the elderly and the dying what the best way to die was.

The answer?


Generally, cancer takes you slowly, so you have time to settle your affairs, time to get and give lots of hugs, time to make amends and/or guilt people who’ve wronged you, time to take that trip you always wanted, see that movie, hire two hookers and have that threeway, and in the last weeks, morphine, baby!

That’s not how I want to go, though. I’m thinking shot to death in flagrante delicto by a jealous husband (post-coital, sirs, if you don’t mind waiting a minute).

What age sounds good to you? And how would you like to check out?

Bonus points for your projected famous last words and epitaph.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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