Eloquent Eloquence, Benedict Malfoy Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews are non-eligible for inclusion.
There is a link in the commenter’s name that will take you to the original post.
Amanda Mae Meyncke’s Sundance Diaries were bright spots in the week.
• The Does Restraining Order Have One Scream or Two? Comment of the Week goes to Superasente for over-sharing, and helping us to alert the authorities:
Whenever I look at a picture of Emma Stone I think, “We’ll she obviously wants me to shoot Ronald Reagan.” But then I remember that Ronald Reagan is dead and I think, “Nancy Reagan?” But what has she ever done?
Anyway, I haven’t exactly worked it out yet. But I will.
• The Dear God, What Is That Thing? Comment of the Week goes to FabiusMaximus who gave the only possible response to Jezzer’s photo:
Looks like Escher did some plastic surgery there.
• The TL:DR Comment of the Week goes to bleujayone. Get comfortable. It’s elaborate and wondrous:
I’d cast Emilio Estevez to play Lance Armstrong’s tumor-ridden testicle. For the other one naturally I’d pick Charlie Sheen. Yeah, I know Charlie seems to be the obvious choice to play the cancer nut. But if he were the one removed, Emilio would be the one left to tempt Armstrong to the Douche Side of the Force and I just can’t picture him do that. We’ve all seen Charlie survive all sorts of things recently without nary a scratch, so if five tons of blow and two skankoids can’t put him down in a wild weekend bender, then cancer wouldn’t do a damn thing other than annoy him. Hell Charlie Gonad would probably drink the cancer right under the table. Besides, it’ll give Emilio the Oscar-worthy death scene he’s always pined for.
Can’t you just picture Armstrong peeking into his bicycle shorts every once in a while just to have Charlie’s head sprout up and give him evil advice like a cartoon devil on the shoulder…only in his crotch? “Yeah Lance, take the friggin’ cream & clear. If you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t trying hard enough. Someone question your validity? Sue the shit out of them like they owe you money. Stay with the wife who stood by you when you were poor and sick? Fuck that, man Sheryl Crow’s over there good to go. What? She got sick too? Dump her and let’s go for a beer run.”
Armstrong could blame everything on his evil nut the same way Ash Williams blamed his evil hand. We could even see the epilogue of Armstrong giving his Oprah interview with Charlie giving muffled snide commentary that only Lance can hear while we tries to apologize for his testy testes.
Later that year, the Oscars would obliterate any last vestiges of legitimacy they had by passing over Daniel Day-Lewis in favor of Sheen’s My Left Nut.
• The “He’s a Great Talent” Comeback Comment of the Week goes to Sara_Tonin00 for a sneakily erudite reference, and with a tip o’the hat to BlackRabbit:
I’m sure it’s meant in the semi-archaic” unit of measurement” sense. A sneakily erudite dig at her weight.
• The Even Paranoids Have Enemies Comment of the Week goes to Robert. He should probably watch his back:
Get your conspiracy theories straight.
“Anyone who shares that video will read this and immediately tell you that Snopes is a tool of the government to cover up their disinformation campaign.”
Snopes is a tool of evil communist George Soros, who is working on bringing down the US through a false news campaign so the One World Order can finally be formed, bringing on End Times and the rise of our Reptilian overlords. This is separate from the government’s own nefarious plan to do the same thing, except on leap years where the democrats control all three branches of government.
• The Is It Because He’s Ambidextrous? Comment of the Week goes to e jerry powell. You know, we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars:
Between Brando and Newman, I don’t know how Tennessee Williams ever had a hand free to write anything.
• The Seriously, Get It Laminated This Time Comment of the Week goes to Rest In Peace for some useful advice that will fit in your wallet:
OK, for once and for all, here are The Rules when it comes to the n-word:
1. We live in a free country. You are free to use the n-word as often as you like, in whatever context you like. You are also free to face the consequences of and take responsibility for your use of said word.
2. People who aren’t racist or bigots don’t use the n-word or any other slur against people. If you find yourself doing so, then own it and embrace the fact that you are racist.
3. Just because you have a fetish for or find yourself almost exclusively attracted to black men/women, have “a lot of black friends”, or grew up in the hood doesn’t give you a pass from rule #1. Take responsibility. Your black girlfriend and upbringing ain’t got shit to do with me, honey.
4. Be respectful and stay in your lane. If you are not black, then you don’t get to tell me or any other black person how to feel about and when to use the n-word. All you need to worry about is yourself (google Tim Wise kplsthnx)
5. All “artistic” use of the n-word by non-blacks should be well thought out and considered in its context. I think Quentin Tarantino did so with Django Unchained.
OK now do we got this??? Don’t make me have to reach through this monitor…
• The Empty Page Hits Pay Their Salary Comment of the Week goes to Deidra who really should show some respect!:
Who drives more empty page hits? Bellucci, Chastain, Upton, or all three together?
• The This Seems Like a Good Idea to Me, I Don’t Know What You’re Talking About Comment of the Week goes to Ted Zancha:
Future plot synopsis for the Gremlins remake:
“Coming next spring! In the tradition of The Smurfs and Beverly Hills Chihuahua, [Insert name of studio I will destroy] and Steven Spielberg bring you a retelling of a modern classic. Set in a small town, the story follows James (Logan Lerman) and his zany adventures with his adorable pet Mogwai, Gizmo (CGI Andy Serkis). All is well until devious creatures start appearing all over town. James must save his town, save the girl, and learn what it means to be a man. Directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer.”
• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Soru for obvious reasons: scathing AND bitchy. Well done!:
So this is gonna be the year someone finally goes broke underestimating the taste of the American public