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Dribble pt-WANG dribble TACKLE

By Tater Barley Banks | Comment Diversions | October 17, 2009 |

By Tater Barley Banks | Comment Diversions | October 17, 2009 |

It’s that time of year where the baseball season is winding down and the pro football and college football seasons are in full swing and hockey and pro basketball are heating up and college basketball is just around the corner and in just a couple months the Olympics will glorify and beautify and enrich Vancouver (if you live there you can probably rent out your bathroom for $2,500 a week), and if you’re anything like me, I know you will nod your head in agreement when I say:

There just isn’t enough sports on TV. We need ESPN247 (that’s doesn’t mean all-day all-week programming, that means 247 ESPN channels). There already is an ESPN360, but sadly that’s an online service, not 360 channels worth of sports.

They’d probably say there aren’t 360 ESPNs because there aren’t enough sports to fill that many time slots, but that’s where we come in. There aren’t enough sports to fill that many time slots because there haven’t been enough sports invented yet.

I’ve long carried around the dream of Australian Rules Basketball. The ball would be slightly oblong, which would make for some amusing attempts at dribbling, and for some amusingly awkward rebounds. The court would be oval as well. Every time the ball actually did go in the basket, a man in a white trench coat and hat would do that double-pistol shoot at the ground thing.

And of course, we’re talking full contact. None of that sissy foul-calling, ergo, none of that sissy whining about fouls that don’t get called.

But that’s my dream sport, and I’m sure you have yours.

Tell us what it is. Invent a new sport, such as “Olympic clusterfucking,” or modify an existing one, and explain some of your rules.

I have just one rule: Hands off Calvinball.


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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.