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Coffee Causes Hallucinations? You'll Have to Rip It from My Cold, Dead Hands

By Cindy Davis | Comment Diversions | June 10, 2011 |

By Cindy Davis | Comment Diversions | June 10, 2011 |

I’ve got to stop reading the Los Angeles Times. They know how to grab one’s attention with headlines, but every time I get into the article itself, it turns out the headline is based on a faulty experiment. This time it was, “Caffeine linked to hallucinations in study, but have another cup of coffee anyway.” Damned right I will, assholes. Nobody will take my coffee away until I am lying in a box underground. Or cream-ated (doesn’t that sound much nicer than cremated? Yes please, float me in a nice, creamy cup of joe until the weight of my body slowly pulls me down and I can hallucinate my ass into a delightful world of cookies and pie and java. And none of that milk or skim milk coffee-lightening please, I’m a half and half girl (at the very least). So anyway, some university decided to get people hopped up on caffeine, put headphones on them and play white noise. The experimenters told the experiment-ees they might hear a little music in the background, in particular, Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas.” And guess what? Even though there was no music, some people said they heard it. No fucking duh. You didn’t need coffee for that, jackholes. The power of suggestion is strong; I’m no scientist, but this much I know. The uncontrolled study, was conducted by Australia’s La Trobe University on 92 people, subjected to varying amounts of caffeine and stress(?). I don’t know how you subject folks to “high or low stress conditions” while they’re wearing headphones and drinking coffee, but that just sounds cruel. If they had given the experiment-ees a chocolate croissant and played some soothing classical tunes and everyone would have been fine.

Apparently there have also been other studies on this matter and people who have been injected with caffeine intravenously tend to experience false smells. Oh you idiots, that happens to me all the time and I’m not even schizophrenic. No matter how bad (are hallucinations bad?) you try to make coffee out to be (didn’t they just tell us it was good for us?) I will never give it up. (I already gave up the smokes, isn’t that enough?) So what about you, Pajibans? What is it that you will never give up? Coffee, smokes, that wooby you’ve been dragging around since you were a kid? Candy, chocolate (CHOCOLATE!), salt, masturbation, porn, avocados, lima beans, ice cream, picking your nose, Pabst Blue Ribbon…

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