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All the Noise, Noise, Noise, Noise

By Sarah Larson | Comment Diversions | December 16, 2009 |

By Sarah Larson | Comment Diversions | December 16, 2009 |

I woke up on Monday covered in bruises. Now, some people might assume that this was because I helped my sister move all weekend, but those people are STUPID DUMBHEADS. A sensible person would know that it’s because of all the kung fu fighting I do in my sleep (those cats were fast as lighting, yo). That really has nothing to do with anything, it’s just always surprising when you go to get in the shower and you find a series of large contusions and wonder for a minute if you got into an epic bar brawl and then you forgot all about it on account of the vodka. Then you remember that you effing can’t stand vodka, so you probably just bumped into a bunch of shit or dropped a house on yourself or something. Business as usual and whatnot.

In other news, this week in Things That Smell, we learned over on The Facespace that Optimus Rhyme doesn’t like the movie Elf. Other things we learned about Optimus Rhyme: he is a Communist, he shattered Tim Cratchit’s leg when he drop-kicked him out an eighth story window, he eats pizza slices crust-first, he keeps his junk bald with an Epilady, he smells like beef and cheese and he sits on a throne of lies. Let us all bow our heads for a moment of pity.

Moooving on, I seriously need to know who amongst you holds any fondness for that Paul McCartney “Wonderful Christmastime” song. Raise your little e-hands, and please form a line to the left and patiently wait your turn to get Tasered in the face. YOU PEOPLE are the ones causing my suffering. YOU are the reason that song is played 6,183 times a day. If it weren’t for YOU FREAKOS, we would only have to contend with that fucking “Christmas Shoes” song (seriously kid, Jesus don’t give a shit what your dead mother has on her damn feet so quit yer whining and GET A JOB, FREELOADER, cuz the rest of us ain’t payin’ for some shoes just so you can run around tarting up corpses like they’re going to underground fancy dress parties).

Now whilst discussing the holiday shit that’s currently making you homicidal, I need y’all to tell me what to get my brother for Christmas. He’s the only person I have left to shop for, and I have noooo idea what to get him. I was going to give him a punch in the face (it’s nostalgic!) but that’s not really a gift that keeps on giving unless I follow him around and keep punching, and quite frankly that sounds exhausting. I gotta go bake a lemon chiffon cake so that I can eat the entire thing, and then when I’m in the throes of Sudden Onset Diabeetus, maybe I’ll be struck by inspiration. Otherwise I’ll just put a bow on the cat and stuff him in my brother’s mailbox.

Sarah Larson lives in Minnesota, where she is usually up to no good, but is currently stuck inside with three children running around in circles in their swimsuits and playing the Alvin and the Chipmunks 2 soundtrack on repeat. She is wondering why the lambs won’t stop screaming.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

Pajiba Love 12/16/09 | Pajiba After Dark 12/16/09