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You Were Warned

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | October 21, 2010 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | October 21, 2010 |

They don’t listen. They never goddamn listen.

The Snooki one already has a book on the way and now so does the other annoying one. (narrowing down) The ugly one. (narrowing down) The one with the abs. (narrowing down) The one who looks like a potato. Ding. There you go! The Situation one.


Let’s analyze.

Up top, we have what to expect with this tome. “A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore.’” I don’t know what any of this means. But it all sounds very unsavory. What’s a GTL? Is it a car?

Okay, a quick trip to Urban Dictionary tells me it means “gym, tan, laundry” and I celebrate these people for understanding the importance of Gain freshness.

Then we have the cover photo itself. For most, spending a great deal of time with one’s shirt held up above one’s right nipple would be a somewhat unnatural way of going through life. Not for our Situation, who might be the most self-aware person in the world for knowing that if we aren’t looking at his abs, we might be forced to look at his face.

By the way, I feel no guilt or wrongness in pointing out this particular person’s ugliness. He has attempted to create an entire career based on how hot he finds himself. For that reason, I feel there should be a government organization that alerts people whose perceived level of attractiveness is greatly skewed and I would like to be that government agent.

Finally, there’s the title, which I assume implies “here’s the situation” is a common phrase we all use. There’s font, which I believe is called “Summer’s Eve Rodeo.” There’s the tinily named ghostwriter who actually wrote the book.

Jezebel has some excerpts which I urge you to read, assuming you hate yourself. Chris Millis very obviously loathes his subject, and seems to have created a book making fun of this person. But, as South Park pointed out, Mr. Uation will not understand that he is being made fun of. He will call you “haters” for thinking such vile things. He will continue believing that he is awesome until the show finally ends, at which point he will disappear because he already spent his Dancing With The Stars nickel.

I will greet that day with a gentle kiss and a fist pump. Or bump. Whatever the fuck it is, I don’t care.

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