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You Know, Xenu is a Real Dick

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | September 25, 2013 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | September 25, 2013 |

Sure, the Church of Scientology is a moneygrubbing murder cult. But they’re also just massive dicks, you guys.

Stacey Carosi, aka, Leah Remini, is now a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, a show I care nothing about (FALSE, I care a lot about how it is an ABOMINATION! against the art of DAHNCE) but really want her to win because I like her now that she’s a soldier in the war against L. Ron. On Monday’s episode, Remini spoke of the church’s dickitry.

“The church is looking for me to fail,” she said, “So they can say, ‘Look what happens when you leave.’”

Naturally, public relations winners that they are, the church had something to say.

“We know this may come as a surprise to someone as self-absorbed as Ms. Remini, but we could care less if she wins or loses on Dancing With the Stars.”

Every time Scientology is mentioned on the internet, some devil’s advocate pipes in with the ever-original “they’re no better or worse than any other religion.” And that’s just not true. Because they are fucking bananapants, they’re scary and they’re just assholes. Yes, other religions are pretty dicky, too, but Scientology is a special brand of shitty, rude, mean and utterly irritating. Ugh.

Honestly, I feel like the scary murder cult stuff is only the second or third worst thing about them. The worst is just what simpering buttholes they are. How do they not know the image they put out? How do they not just fake it like every other business on the planet and just pretend they’re not complete and total chudholes? It’s like their entire public relations department is staffed by William Zabka characters. People who professionally punch baby seals in the skull with crowbars are friendlier.

I guess my point is that Scientology either needs to shut down or get some new spokespeople. Ones who don’t own summer homes in Satan’s lower intestine.