As you may have heard, two virginal souls came together to spread their holy message of chastity to America’s youth: teen mother Bristol Palin, and professional douchebaguette thruster “The Situation.”
I’m not here to pass judgment on Ms. Palin. I mean, sure, she leaves her baby to go dance around in gorilla suits and sparkle capes on a daily basis and can act about as well as her mother can speak and think, but she almost kind of makes sense if you squint as a spokesperson for abstinence. Plus, the implication of “Sex gave me a baby I didn’t want” won’t scar her child for years, so she’s good.
The Situation makes the kind of sense that doesn’t, as they kind of point out in this video, what with him being a mammoth whore and all. Which does mix the message. It’s basically, “Don’t have sex, but if you do have sex, do it just like this raisin-testicled ‘roid freak who looks exactly like Popeye’s baby Swee’pea.”
Warning: this video will make your brain explode with twitchiness.
If I get into the repeated use of the word “situation” I’ll strangle something. Jersey Shore is already my Human Centipede so sometimes I just have to walk away. And Magnums my ass.
If you want to save your crotch gift for marriage, then go for it. And I at least respect the PSA for telling people to wear condoms if they insist upon having sex prior to legally attaching themselves to someone whose sexual ability they don’t yet know. But, really? Nailer of cheesily attractive hockey players? And The Situfuckingation? Really?
The following are all more qualified to do a PSA about abstinence than Bristol Palin and The Situation:
5. Samantha Jones
4. That slut Kathy Santoni from Full House
3. Charlie Sheen
2. Jeremy Feist
1. Slutty Hitler