So, before we get into this, I am a firm believer that you should never make fun of the way someone looks, unless you’re teasing them about something they can change overnight.
To explain—when my little brother was younger, he tried (to no avail) to get my mom to buy him a grey “Linkin Park” windbreaker. This was probably about 2002, when that band was all the rage (I’ve never been a fan, sorry!), and my little brother was probably 15 at the time. The windbreaker was around $60—and it had no practical use (we lived on a mountain in Alaska—it’s either heavy winter coat weather, or t-shirt weather. There’s no in-between.) Plus, it was just an overpriced windbreaker that said “Linkin Park” on it. I bring this up because friends, had my brother gotten that windbreaker, I would have teased him mercilessly, and I mean mercilessly—although it wouldn’t be fun unless he was wearing the windbreaker.
The whole idea of this, other than that siblings are a-holes, is that at any point if my brother wanted me to stop teasing him about it, he could simply take off the hypothetical windbreaker and we’d be done with it.
I think it’s needlessly cheap and mean to say things about the way someone looks if it’s not of the windbreaker variety, and more of the “you’re just really ugly and I hate your stupid face” variety. No one can really help the way they look, and I don’t enjoy being cruel—good-natured teasing is fine, but you don’t want the person being teased to walk away feeling rotten about the situation—even if they are the type to don an overpriced windbreaker.
So now that the ground rules are laid—I want you to throw them out the window, because we’re talking about Donald Trump here, and I say let the mother*ckr burn.
That dummy actually said, in front of other sentient beings that consider themselves human (which is laughable because the vast majority of them are horrible, racist white mouth-breathers at a Trump Rally in Tupelo, Mississippi for that racist white she-devil running for Senate, so we know that they are completely lacking in humanity) that “some people” think he, who has the face of what happens when a thumb and an overcooked goose mate—- that he looked like Elvis when he was younger.
I pulled this from People.com—because their headline and header image were deliciously shady—exponentially so when you realize this publication is the most milquetoast, middle of the road, try-hard, appeal-to-everyone site around…
“I shouldn’t say this. You’ll say I’m very conceited ‘cause I’m not,” Trump told the crowd as he campaigned for Republican Sen. Cindy Hyde-Smith. “But other than the blonde hair, when I was growing up, they said I looked like Elvis. You see that? Can you believe it? I always considered that a great compliment.”
Look, we know he’s delusional—but he honestly had the complete lack of self-awareness to bring up that people thought that he looked like the King—in Elvis’ birthplace!?
I mean…can you tell the difference above? I KNOW I CERTAINLY CAN.
What an evil, cruel, u-g-l-y (who don’t got no alibi now that Manafort done goofed) f*cking moron.
Look, I come from hearty hill billy stock on one side of the family—my mom had multiple decorative Elvis plates that hung above our pantry growing up, from young Elvis to older Elvis. I’ve seen all his movies. I made a pilgrimage to Graceland for my 30th birthday, where I surreptitiously touched a chair in the jungle room. I also went to his Honeymoon house in Palm Springs, where I was allowed to get in his bed, so I did, because opportunities like that don’t come very often.
I know Elvis Presley.
Donald Trump never has, and never will, be an Elvis Presley.
For the record, the only dude I’ve ever seen who looks like Elvis was Michael St. Gerard, who was Tracy Turnblad’s boyfriend in the original Hairspray. Incidentally, he’s also portrayed Elvis multiple times…ya know, because he actually looks like Elvis.
Play us out, Elvis.
Image sources (in order of posting): Getty, People