Hi, J Law! Can I call you J Law? I’m guessing it’s fine since this is an imaginary conversation I’m having with you.
Here’s the thing, you’re adorable. See?
And you’re talented. See that’s you holding your Oscar, and still being adorable.
And you recently celebrated a birthday.
(This doesn’t have anything to do with your birthday. It’s just gratuitously hot.)
And because of these things that I know about you and times I’ve seen you being a person in public, I feel like we’re friends and I can offer you some advice.
I’m not saying that Chris Martin isn’t a very lovey man, and perhaps even a talented musician in someways (mostly “Yellow.”) I’m saying don’t do this because of her. Yes, she’s sort of good looking and vaguely talented. And totally, totally crazy pants. Not the fun kind of crazy pants either. This kind of crazy pants. And this kind . He was married to that kind of crazy for a decade. There has to be something wrong with a guy that’s married to that type of crazy for 10 years. Don’t wait to find out what it is.
Is it because of this whole thing? You thought you’d get back at him by dating one of his countrymen? First, you know who else is British, right? Second, forget that guy. You do you, sweetheart. You’re young and talented and insanely hot. And if I see you jump from one long term relationship with an only sort of good looking British dude to another long term relationship with an even less good looking British dude, I’m going to have to revoke our BFF status.
Plus you might end up with a stepdaughter named Apple. It’s not worth it.