What’s Next for (Queen) Jenifer Aniston? You’re Going to Be Surprised
Earlier today, Netflix released a still from the upcoming Jennifer Ansiton movie, Dumplin’.
Sure, in theory, the still makes sense within the context of the movie, per Variety, The story centers on a confident teen girl — named Dumplin’ by her former beauty queen mom (Aniston) — taking a job at the local fast-food joint.
So, in theory, the picture of beauty-queen Jennifer holding up a tiara to remind her of her past glory make sense in context of the synopsis above, right?
That’s exactly what you’re supposed to believe.
You’re inarguably one of the most successful actors in the world. You have an estimated net worth of $200 million. You’re single, you’re blissfully child-free, all of your disposable income is your own; and Nespresso hasn’t come knocking (yet, but hold that thought.)
Picture this. It’s 2004, your very successful sitcom has just ended after a 10-year run. You realize that there might be more to life than acting, and you have more to give. Then wheels start spinning.
What should a successful, wealthy woman do with her time?
Continue acting? No, you know that as you age, roles become fewer and far between.
Gee, how about creating your own nation-state, and running it how you’d like to see things done?
Sure, I mean, that’s basically everyone’s dream. $200 million seems like a lot to us, but it’s not nation-state money. No, to do that, you’d need to combine your wealth with your other rich Hollywood friends. You know, people like George Clooney and Adam Sandler —and when your net worth is combined, it’s approximately $1 billion dollars.
That’s enough to start to form your Hollywood utopia, friends.
Now, the more geographically inclined among you going to state that all islands in the world have been discovered, and claimed by existing countries, and sure, you might be right. No one said this was going to be an easy idea to pull off—that’s where the money comes in, and the charm.
You cannot argue that Jennifer Aniston and George Clooney aren’t charming. Who among us mere mortals would stand a chance of convincing a nation’s leader to give up sovereignty on an uninhabited island? Jen and George are not just anyone, though.
So why the still?
Everyone in Hollywood knows that if you want to communicate covertly, and activate your shadow syndicate, you do it through movie stills.
The paparazzi, of course. Look, there was an entire article written up the last time Jen, George, and Adam got together, ok? They don’t want to tip off anyone else to their plan, and risk having a second buyer pop up out of the blue. They are not the only ones in Hollywood with this idea. Why do you think there’s so many Chris’? United name, united goal.
Are you getting the picture now?!
So you communicate via movie stills. The crown, the purple color of her robe (you know, the color that symbolizes royalty), the gold canister of hairspray in the corner?
It’s all signal to George Clooney and Adam Sandler.
Gentlemen, it’s go time.
Now the fun begins. I have no idea where they plan to start their nation-state, but it’s clear they plan to govern it through an Aniston-lead monarchy. Which makes sense.
I do promise you that when Queen Jennifer Aniston finally decides to make this plan public, you’re going to feel very smart for shouting about this article for an hour outside the bus stop because you wanted to be the first one to tell people.
Until then, you’ll just have to watch to see which direction this is headed when more Dumplin’ stills are released.
Header Image Source: Netflix
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