In the past, I’ve questioned actors and actresses who are undeserving of their status. I didn’t consider this at the time, but there exists a lower, darker realm in the tier of celebrity. And that tier is the “I’m sorry, but what are you doing here?”
It is one thing to rip on the Jessicas Biel and Alba or Charming Potato, but you must give them this: at least they work. Compared to others, that is saying something. Somewhere between them and the Paris Hiltons and Kardashians lies these fine unemployed people, still riding the waves of past film and television roles without doing anything to maintain that fame or public interest.
Also, per goddamn usual, they’re all actresses. I don’t know whether to be offended for my gender or whether it’s a coup. For one reason or another, male actors tend not to be kept around solely based on their looks (or, maybe, they’re just able to work more consistently because of them), or handed magazine covers for little to no reason, or be photographed by the paparazzi past their fame expiration date. But that’s another post, for another day when I actually have a grasp on this and I’m not just stream-of-consciously noticing I only list chicks here.
Seriously. WHAT DOES SHE DO? She shows up at parties, she is on the cover of Nylon, she subsists on toilet paper bits and coke-laced coffee grounds, but I cannot think of a single other thing she does. Well, okay, besides that.
Okay, look, I am the one who handles the more Pajiba socially unacceptable topics of celebrities, Snookis and general Bieberhood, so it’s not like I have delusions of respect around here, but I’m about to get really preemptively defensive: I really loved The OC. Really. Like, a lot. If you didn’t like it, it was either because you didn’t actually watch it, or because your opinion is wrong. It’s one of those two, and I can’t help you with this.
That said, my goodwill toward the adorable Summer Roberts is running low. I mean, look at her. She’s precious. She’s like a bead of unicorn sweat landing on an angel’s wing. And she’s quite talented (if more of you watched The OC you’d know that. Viewing party at my house anyone?). But it’s almost like she never really tried. As though she finished up with Ryan Atwood and the Cohens, started dating Anakin Skywalker and starring in Jumper then just kind of gave up, and now just goes to events and designs plates for Macy’s.
Maybe I’m still mad about Ally McBeal season five, but this chick is basically useless. She was the weakest link on Heroes and most recently took the potentially fatal dip into Lifetime movies. Maybe Scream 4 will be redemptive for her career, but that’s never been true of anyone else in those movies, so probably not.
Like Bilson, I adore Mandy Moore. Interestingly enough, the two are also my favorite and most tolerable How I Met Your Mother guest stars. And like Bilson, I’m not sure why Mandy never caught on the way she deserved. Cute, funny, with a great self-awareness. But the mid-to-late 20s actress pool is a tough one. I guess she just didn’t get the jobs Anne Hathaway and others got
One of Harvey Weinstein’s failed experiments. She will now only be known as Jude Law’s ex and the woman responsible for the thankfully brief return of gauchos and peasant blouses.
The Olsen Twins
Okay, here’s the thing: I realize that at a certain monetary point, you never need to do anything again for the rest of you life. But how do you fill your days? What do you do for fun? Why do they always look like Zombie Edie Beales? Ashley at least does businessy things. Mary Kate periodically pops up in Weeds and Beastly, but mostly she just wanders around, looking like your nightmares.
Courtney would like to apologize to those who got a completely unfinished preview of this yesterday when she accidentally posted it because she’s a fool. Feel free to further alert her of her fool-dom on Twitter.