What Ben Affleck Movie Best Encompasses the Spirit of Billy Joel’s Hit Song ‘Uptown Girl’?

Friends, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat because I realize I haven’t read any news on Ben Affleck in a while (the last article about him on People.com was in May.) and I just need to know what he’s up to.

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Most of the time I can mollify myself back into the gloaming of my dreamscape by softly whispering to myself “Kate, he’s probably at Jack in the Box, he’s fine. But you won’t be if they catch you awake during their time.” That’s usually enough, but earlier today, in the wee hours of the dawn, between our time and their time, it wasn’t enough. Because this time I was woken up with an unanswerable question: What Ben Affleck movie best encompasses the spirit of Billy Joel’s hit song “Uptown Girl”?

You know the one I’m talking about:

I mean, for decades now, Ben Affleck movies and Billy Joel music have been intrinsically linked (just go with it) but we’ve never questioned why, or is that even a good choice? Today I got out of bed knowing it was time for me to finally solve one piece of the bigger puzzle by narrowing in on one song and tying it to a specific film. Friends, you’re about to go on a journey of self-discovery.

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Is it Phantoms?

No. The answer is not Phantoms even though he was the bomb in that. Phantoms doesn’t encapsulate the spirit of longing and hope that a downtown guy could get with an uptown girl. I mean, “We Didn’t Start the Fire” is a better 1:1 in my opinion.

Is it Gigli?

How dare you. I’m not going to dignify that with a response.

Is it Argo?

Honestly, you need to stop. This is getting embarrassing for both of us.

I mean, for those of you who are taking this thought exercise seriously, I’m sure you already have your answer. It’s obviously this:

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Yes, the only appropriate answer here is Armageddon. F*ck you Changing Lanes, and The Sum of All Fears. Your day in the sun is not today.

Think about it. Ben Affleck’s character is in a clandestine relationship with Liv Tyler’s. It is verboten by Bruce Willis, and yet? Still they try. Still they love. He still tries for an uptown girl who’s been living in her uptown world. She’s clearly never had a backstreet guy, and her mama never told her why (because her mom was dead.)

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It all makes sense.

Now some of you are going to say that Chasing Amy is the appropriate choice here, or maybe even Dogma (because you’re clearly not living in reality) but once you think about it, Armageddon is the only choice.

That sound you heard? That’s the sound of me nailing it.

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Well, it looks like my work here is done. Perhaps I can finally sleep again tonight, that is until the inevitable follow up question of “What Charlize Theron movie best incapsulates ‘Hungry Like the Wolf’ by Duran Duran?” rears its head again, and I have to start this process all over again.

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It never ends.