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We're Really Just A Bunch Of Thirsty Mother****ers

By Emily Cutler | Celebrity | October 2, 2019 |

By Emily Cutler | Celebrity | October 2, 2019 |


When I was younger, I considered becoming a professional writer. It was more of a fleeting fantasy than something I put any actual work into, but I thought I’d be really good at scraping by as an unreliable, yet talented, journalist (because even in my fantasies, I was very realistic about how responsible I wasn’t). I figured writing would be a wildly glamorous-in-a-dirty-kind-of-way. Like the ’70s, but in job form. Trench coats, a desk covered in papers that are somehow all stained by coffee cups, running to the far ends of the city to get that important quote and then rushing back to the office to type it up just in time to make it to press.

Then I gave up that dream and became an accountant. But, because the world has a sick sense of humor, I’m also (for some ungodly reason) paid to occasionally write. Like a professional. Wait, I meant, like a goddamn professional. And how does reality hold up to the fantasy? Is it as gritty yet glamorous as I thought it’d be? Do I write all of my posts at a vintage wood desk in a sort-of-run-down-yet-charming apartment? Are all of my colleagues professional-yet-hard-assed reporters only interested in getting the scoop and taking down City Hall? Nope. Mostly we’re a bunch of thirsty assholes. To wit:


Tori: He makes haggard A LEWK.

Emily: Huh. So I know how this is going to sound, but the beard makes him look less like a crazed psycho killer and more like a guy in New Hampshire who makes candles. i.e. significantly less hot.

Tori: Candles are literally hot, Emily. It’s like you don’t understand how fire works.

Roxana: Thank you, Tori. Because I was rendered speechless. I also could literally just stare at this picture all day.

Tori: It’s perfect because the picture stares back! BECAUSE OF HIS SEXY DEAD FISH EYES.

Emily: If he’s gonna go scruffy beard, I need the weird hair cut with it.


Aunt Janet Trying Some Volume With Her Grown Out Pixie Cut isn’t doing it for me.

Roxana: I literally have never NOT been attracted to Cillian. So I can sense that Emily is not loving this look, but I will happily take off my pants.

Tori: Can’t you just be happy for us, Emily? Even Hot Leprechaun isn’t serving full-Hot Leprechaun 100% of the time, but it still works. We need to appreciate the distinct flavors. Every picture of Cillian is the hottest picture of Cillian until I see the next one. I’m like a goldfish- I only remember what’s in front of my face.

Emily: That’s fair. I’m happy for you, and I’d like to apologize to Cillian directly. Cillian, I’m sorry for what I said. You and these ladies deserve all of your happiness. I’ll try to always remember you this way.


Roxana: My choices for hottest Cillian is when he pops up in Dark Knight Rises.


Ciara: My Cillian Alert went off.


Tori: I still will always stump for Red Eye Cillian.


Ciara: I stump for all the Cillians please and thank you.

Roxana: Right? Like the limit does not exist.

Tori: That’s what I mean. DISTINCT FLAVORS.

Roxana: He also is a good candidate for “smoking is bad but smoking makes people hotter.”




Tori: He almost looks like Cassidy from Preacher there. Which is NOT A COMPLAINT.

Roxana: Dom Cooper never did it for me, but Jesse, as drawn in the comics, did.


I love when men lean their hands on their belts!

Tori: He leans so hard!

Roxana: Honestly that is a lot of Brad Pitt’s appeal. The man knows how to lean.


TK: This is my favorite Brad Pitt.

Also, Kalifornia era Brad Pitt would absolutely fuck up Emily’s credit.

(Sidenote: my friends and fellow writers here at Pajiba have determined that I have a very specific type, and that type is “Will ruin your credit.” Which, you know, I’ll admit does check out.)


Emily: GODDAMNIT! I was literally just writing out that Fight Club Brad Pitt is all-time hottest, followed closely by Mr. and Mrs. Smith, but surprisingly rising in the polls is Big Short Pitt and Kalifornia Pitt. You read my fucking mind, TK.

Tori: … Well now I’m thinking Brad Pitt could play Wolverine.

Roxana: This is very similar to Jesse James Brad Pitt, who is also very hot. I want to frame this and hang it in our home.


Emily: Ocean’s Eleven Pitt’s stock has fallen surprisingly quickly.


Tori: To be fair, that was a very dumb hair cut.

Emily: Super dumb. Almost as dumb as the Meet Joe Black haircut.

Roxana: I mean, I still want to make clear that I would fuck that guy. That’s clear, right?

Tori: The Meet Joe Black haircut was overshadowed by how dumb the ENTIRE MOVIE WAS.

Roxana: Everyone knows? That I would? OKAY.

Tori: (Crystal clear. Super duper clear.)

Roxana: Because like I can be more clear, but okay. “TK is typing”, oh no.

TK: We’re there, Rocky. We got there.

Emily: I’d have a very casual, first-date coffee with this gentleman and then go for a walk through the park. I feel like that shows real growth for me.


But then I’d get tequila drunk, and make out with this guy in an alley.



Emily: Jesus. Motherfucker didn’t even peak until his mid-thirties.

Roxana: It’s offensive. Uncalled for, really.

Kate: He does nothing for me. I was always a Clooney gal.

Emily: I mean, it’s not like I’d say no to the Cloons.

Kate: Yeah, but you probably think hottest Clooney is O Brother Where Art Thou? Clooney.

Tori: But he IS pretty hot in that movie.

Emily: Hottest Clooney is Michael Clayton Clooney.


But specifically this picture from some premiere.

Kate: Wtf are you smoking?!? THIS IS HOTTEST CLOONEY.


The Caesar haircut years were dark years.

Roxana: He worked that very gentle smirk throughout Out of Sight, and it was good.

Emily: That first one is hot. They shouldn’t have cleaned him up so much. (Again, I have a type.)

TK: The bank robbery scene in Out of Sight is so perfectly Clooney.

Roxana: So much of it is his look, though. like how he LOOKS at Jennifer Lopez.

Kate: Hottest Clooney is Out of Sight Clooney. It is known.

TK: Excuse me, madam, a word.


Emily: You’re fired, TK.

Tori: DING DING DING, TK wins. TK: The Clooney Hotness Whisperer.

Roxana: TK wins. TK is like, “let me just swoop in here with this perfect thing.”

TK: Guys, I am HERE for you.

Header Image Source: Warner Bros. Pictures