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Valentine Sex Tips from the Mistress of Seduction, Michelle Duggar

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | February 14, 2014 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | February 14, 2014 |

Light some candles and press play on your finest bone-zone playlist, because I’ve got the tips that will rock your worlds and pelvises, courtesy of part-time dominatrix and full-time icon of all things hot and sexy, Michelle Duggar.

You may need a cigarette after. You should probably grab that now. Please refrain from touching your genitals until you’ve read all the tips, difficult as that may be.

1. Say yes to sex, even when you’re tired.

“‘Be available. Anyone can fix him lunch, but only one person can meet that physical need of love that he has, and you always need to be available when he calls.’”

Don’t just let any hussy make him a bologna sandwich. BE his bologna sandwich. Whether you want to or not. IT’S YOUR DUTY AS WIFE. Your booty duty.

2. But give it a rest sometimes. It’s not all sexytime at the Duggars. They abstain when Michelle has her period, and also after childbirth: 80 days before sex if it’s a girl, 40 days after a boy.

He’s seen her give birth 19 times and can’t throw down on her period? Grow up, Jimbers. It bleeds, who cares?

3. Treat your wife like a queen. Lest you think Duggar romance is all about the baby-making, they note that emotional intimacy is important, too. Even in the whirlwind of raising 19 kids, they do little things like sending each other “I love you” texts, calling each other “Sweetie,” and kissing in the kitchen. Jim Bob seems to put Michelle on a pedestal; and to be fair, she does the same to him.

“That’s key in a relationship, the husband needs to cherish his wife and always treat his wife like a queen,” Jim Bob says.

That’s why her bangs are like that; they’re a crown.

4. The strong, silent type is overrated. “He shares his heart with me, his struggles, his fears and his dreams,” Michelle tells TODAY Moms. “Many men would not do that, but God’s word says that before honor comes humility. When he learns to humble himself before God and me, it builds him up so much in my eyes.”

This is all very sweet, but I like to picture God and Michelle both sitting there, chins on fists, listening attentively to Jim Bob’s fears and dreams. Then they have a God three-way. I’M NOT THE BLASPHEME; SHE BROUGHT UP GOD IN HER SEXY TIP ARTICLE, I JUST WENT TO THE NATURAL PLACE WITH IT.

5. Perfectionism kills romance. While many of us are trained to be detail-oriented and strive for perfection at work, Jim Bob says bringing that attitude home can be a relationship-killer. Withholding praise makes your loved ones lose that loving feeling. “Expectations ruin relationships,” Jim Bob warns.

Yeah, like if you expect period sex, you are NOT getting that shit in the Duggar house.

6. Make time for date night. Michelle and Jim Bob go out, just the two of them, every Saturday night. Sure, they often end up talking about the kids, but it’s still an important time for them to reconnect. They usually go to Michelle’s favorite ice cream shop. “It’s a really special time,” Jim Bob says.

Remember: nothing says “split me sideways” like a trip to the ice cream parlour.

7. Never stop learning. After 30 years of marriage and 19 kids, Jim Bob and Michelle are still interested in discovering others’ advice for a happy partnership. They recently met an Amish couple who’d celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary and asked them their secret. Their answer? The phrases, “I was wrong” and “Will you forgive me?”

This article has Amish sex tips, too? I should have marked this NSFW.

8. Anal. Like all the time. It’s all about butt stuff.

It’s conceivable I made that one up.

So, take these tips and apply them to your own tips (nether pants-place tips) and have a very happy Valentine’s Day.