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Typical Hollywood Elite Robert Pattinson, Refusing To Masturbate a Dog

By Kayleigh Donaldson | Celebrity | August 4, 2017 |

By Kayleigh Donaldson | Celebrity | August 4, 2017 |

Would you believe the gall of these cosmopolitan snobs, refusing to get down on their knees and pleasure man’s best friend like those regular schmoes who make this country great? Next thing you’ll be telling me he washes his hands regularly and treats women like people. Bah.

Robert Pattinson, formerly of Twilight fame and currently the surprise indie muse of the decade, revealed a rather unsettling story on Jimmy Kimmel Live about the making of his latest movie, Good Time. This is the drama that won him wildly enthusiastic critical acclaim at Cannes this year and saw him tipped to win Best Actor until someone else beat him to it.

Perhaps he should have won the award given what the directors asked him to do. He confesses to the line he wouldn’t cross, which was wanking off a dog. They bleep the word ‘handjob’ in the clip, but we’re too uncouth for that.

So that’s RPattz’s talk-show kudos set for the year. Of course, like the annoying neighbour who won’t stop talking about all the dog semen all over his lawn, PETA had to step in and give their unwanted opinion.

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The world’s shittIest animal rights charity — the one whose own shelter has a sky-high kill rate, the same people who use misogyny and racism and lies about autism and Holocaust metaphors and shitty propaganda to guilt-trip you into veganism, the same charity suing a photographer into bankruptcy because they claim a monkey has autonomy over a fucking photograph, THOSE PRICKS — removed their heads from their kale soaked rectums long enough to praise Pattinson for refusing to do a thing that dog breeders do all the time, comparing it to ‘child molestation’. Classy as ever, you wank-socks. Did they get this indignant over the red rocket episode of South Park? Screw them.

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Kayleigh is a features writer for Pajiba. You can follow her on Twitter or listen to her podcast, The Hollywood Read.