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This Isn't Working, You, My Middlebrow F*ck-up

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | September 23, 2010 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | September 23, 2010 |

I told you I’d hold off as long as I could. As long as I could = two days. Because, seriously people, they’re giving me nothing. Also, this has really gone on long enough, and we can ignore her, or we can yell at her. I choose yelling.

Not at her. Her.

Congratufuckinglations, Dina. In under 24 years, you managed to completely ruin your child. This was your daughter in 2004. This is her now. She could have been hit by cosmic rays while hanging out with Reed Richards and still not have changed that much. This is the kind of transformation that can only be born out of a complete lack of responsible parentage. So, good work.

Up until this point, it’s been fairly easy to say, “She’s an addict” or, “She’s sick.” For us non-Lohans at least; Dina and Lindsay have stood firm on their “Nothing’s wrong with her” stance. Well, the good people at UCLA Neuropsychiatric Hospital seem to agree. There was nothing they could do for her. She’s not bipolar. She’s not an addict. She’s just an idiot. An irresponsible child with too much money, too much fame, and absolutely no concept of how to take responsibility for her own actions. And she had to learn that somewhere. Spoiler! I know where she learned it!

Remember a few weeks back when Dina was on Today and just sat there and lied to Matt Lauer for 10 minutes? That ten minute period has been going on for years, since Dina let her, as a teenager, live alone at the Chateau Marmont, better known as the hotel where lots of people do drugs and die. Shortly after that winning parental decision is when things started to take a turn for the, “Holy shit, bitch needs help.” That’s when the numerous minor car accidents, tales of “unprofessional behavior” during movie shoots and weird hospital stays started.

As an aside for any celebrities, real or imagined, reading this - if you end up in the hospital for the following reasons, we will not believe you: flu, cold, dehydration, exhaustion, complications involving wisdom teeth (I’m talking to you, Marissa Cooper) or asthma attacks. I have asthma, too. I don’t believe YOU were in the hospital for it.

Shortly after all that weirdness began is when she got terrifyingly skinny, forcing Tina Fey to attempt intervention. Then she received a bunch of DUI and possession charges, crashed her car a lot of times, stayed in rehab three times, was photographed blowing some dude in public (not the picture that turned out to be a still from Georgia Rule, the other one), and fucking hijacked a car with people in it and led the police on a high-speed chase while high on coke.

The one good thing she seemed to do was meet Samantha Ronson. She actually was almost on track for a while there, barring the period during which these photos came out.

But then she went creepy, stalking her and being filmed having cracked out arguments with her, and that ended. If you follow her on Twitter (which, don’t) you’ll see that she still RT’s her and her family and sends her messages, all of which go ignored, and is kind of sad. But after following her career and personal life for years without even really trying, it’s abundantly clear that this is someone who does not deserve sympathy. This is a person who has taken a promising life and completely shit it away. She is now an adult with no excuse and no one to blame, insisting upon blaming everyone else in the world except herself, convinced that everyone else is just overreacting, which leads to stories like this.

If she’s going to blame someone, she should blame her mother.

Look, her father is completely fucked up, too. The kid didn’t stand a chance. But my understanding is that Michael Lohan plays little to no role in the lives of the Lohan offspring. So it really does fall on Dina. I do not have children. I have been made to understand by smug parents that I have no right to judge another person’s parenting skills. Also, I know that sometimes, despite the presence of good and involved parental figures, some kids just don’t turn out right.

That’s not the case here.

This is a person whose mother has publicly lied and enabled and used her own child constantly for years now (see here and here and here and here. And, for good measure, here, because this story makes me laugh.) There are photos of her drinking and partying with her daughter, her young daughter, barely 20 when the photos were taken, in a hotel room with whiskey on the nightstand and coke on the table. This story doesn’t end well. And when her body finally gives out, as so many ingenue bodies have before her, it will be Dina’s fault.

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