There's a Smörgåsbord of Skarsgårds So Let's Rank Them!
We all have hobbies. For Stellan Skarsgård, award winning Swedish actor, his seems to be keeping the population of his beloved homeland steady. In between being in basically every movie, working with legends like Lars Von Trier and Miloš Forman, and getting naked for Marvel, Stellan has given the world no fewer than eight of his offspring, and it just so happens that a bunch of them are also actors. Truly, he is a generous soul.
You have probably seen at least one Skarsgård at any given time in whatever you’re watching. Geographically speaking, you’re never more than five miles away from one. You may have watch a film or TV show and thought ‘he looks familiar’. Perhaps you included one of them in your Pajiba 10 rankings (Alex, it was probably Alexander you included, let’s be honest). Whatever the case, if you don’t like one Skarsgård, never fear because there’s plenty to choose from, and since we at Pajiba HQ are considerate and intellectual souls, we have decided to rank them for your consideration.
And you thought ranking the Chrises was easy. Amateurs! Now, it’s all relative!
This list will only focus on the Skarsgård clan members who are actors and in the public eye. Of the eight siblings, that includes half of them, and the others have better things to do or are under the age of ten. This is from least best to top best, because you’re never truly the worst when you’re a Skarsgård, and we don’t want to start any brotherly tiffs. Just put on some ABBA and appreciate the Scandinavian delights.
This isn’t personal. Being the youngest of the actors just means we haven’t had enough time to get to know Valter, and so we must rank him lowest. No worries though, he seems to be doing pretty well for himself. He’s got a solid acting resume under his belt, including time in a Metallica music video. He’s also a Twitch streamer of games like Rocket League and Call of Duty. As far as I can tell, he’s also the only one who’s really active on social media, where he’s as hungry as the rest of us for a follow-back from Mark Hamill, a level of thirst I deeply respect (and it worked! Nice one, Valter, you live your dreams). I can’t help but root for a kid who has reaction gifs of himself, so the future looks bright for the young Skarsgård. Just please don’t turn into one of those Twitch gamers.
I must admit that I haven’t seen a single episode of Vikings, of which Gustaf is part of the main cast, but I have heard surprisingly positive things and it’s been successful enough to garner a sizeable fanbase. Gustaf does have the distinction of being the only Skarsgård son to win a Guldbagge Award, the Swedish equivalent of an Oscar. He’s super tall, handsome, looks good in crazy Viking attire, and he’s going to be in Westworld. Not too shabby. Perhaps I should watch either of those shows so I can have more to say about him.
Okay, here’s the thing: I have spent way too much of my free time trying to figure out if I find Bill Skarsgård hot or not. This is way more difficult than you imagine for various reasons. If I were 15 again, he’s the Skarsgård I’d have on my wall (somewhere in-between Joaquin Phoenix and the lead singer of Franz Ferdinand). He’s definitely got something I can’t quite put my finger on, but all of this conversation is hampered by the fact that when I try to Google him for Research Purposes, I keep running across photos of him dressed as a FUCKING CLOWN!
I won’t be seeing IT, as you can imagine. He seems to be doing a stellar job in the role by the looks of the trailers, and I’ve liked him in other things (oh Hemlock Grove, you were so awful but I watched a lot of you anyway). The entire ‘deep eyed and pale and interesting’ thing was definitely for me once upon a time and may still be now, but the FUCKING CLOWN keeps getting in the way. This will require further research.
Ah, the original flavour. The Skarsgård who started it all. The hard working star of stage and screens big and small, the one who will seemingly do anything and ensure that he can take his clothes off for it all too. Did Mamma Mia need an arse shot of Stellan? Probably not, but we were still blessed. Did he need to wave it all about in Thor: The Dark World? Once again, such questions are irrelevant, because Stellan will always rise to the occasion. According to his oldest son, the patriarch of the family enjoys good clean nude living around the house, to the point where Alexander Skarsgård didn’t see him wearing trousers until he was in his teens. I mean, have you seen Nymphomaniac? Any actor who keeps working with Lars Von Trier and surviving the process is a mighty force indeed. He’s got the range. And the arse.
I mean, come on. Look at him.
Did you really expect me to pick anyone else? Alexander Johan Hjalmar Skarsgård is like the platonic ideal of a handsome man. I’ve never heard so many ostensibly straight dudes do the “Well, I’m not gay but if I were” conversation in regards to one man as much as I have with Alexander. He’s just that hot. Watch Generation Kill, or skip to all his scenes in True Blood (the dick-shot is in season 6), or, if you can, watch freaking The Legend of Tarzan, where he’s so buff that you could use his abs to grate cheese.
Of course, those blessed looks can be a distraction. The greatest distraction ever, mind you, but one that detracts from a simple fact: Alexander’s a bloody good actor. While it was Big Little Lies that woke up the general public to that little detail - and got him an Emmy nomination in the process - he’s been putting in impressive work in little-seen indies like The Diary of a Teenage Girl for ages now. He’s a quirky character actor in the package of a leading man. What a struggle to live with. A struggle I am happy to intently watch whenever the occasion calls for it.
Did I mention he’s ridiculously attractive? And that he seems to have inherited his father’s penchant for public nudity? Godspeed, Sweden.
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