I genuinely could not choose an angle here. Because these are all both the dumbest and the awesomest. It’s stupid that they exist and yet wonderful. I loathe them. I want them to live inside my eyelids while I drift to sleep.
If you haven’t heard, because you are a person with fine interests and who enjoys saintly pleasures, Elton John and Madonna are in some manner of ridiculous/glorious fight. How long have they been embroiled in the flames of idiocy/glory? Who knows. But most recently, this largely one-sided fête of dipshittery/rational saneness has come about because of Madonna’s Golden Globe win for a song no one heard from a movie no one saw (and which completely glossed over the whole “they were BFF with Nazis” thing). Anyway, this time he said, “She’s such a nightmare. Her career is over, I can tell you that,” John said. “Her tour is a disaster and it couldn’t happen to a bigger c—-.” Then he called her a “fairground stripper” and we learn that we’re all going to the wrong fairgrounds (or the right ones).
This is fancy and stupid. Let’s have more.
The Kardashians versus Jon Hamm
Remember that time Jon Hamm further exploded our loins into tatters when he said Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton were “fucking idiot[s]” and the Kardashians jumped on the chance to get their names in the news like they were Bruce Jenner and it was a facelift? Le sigh. Beautiful.
Shia LaBeouf versus Frankie Muniz
Apparently these two hate each other and have since the days of “Even Stevens” and Agent Cody Banks. Was it over Hilary Duff? I bet it was over Hilary Duff. Because this fight needs some Aaron Carter. Anyway, Beef is still bringing it up as of two years ago, which is just a little bit on the sad side since no one else has brought up Frankie Muniz in the last two years, bless him.
Vanilla Ice versus Ron Jeremy
Without the slightest hint of irony, I want “The Surreal Life” to come back so bad, you guys.
Katy Perry versus Lily Allen
Katy Perry called herself a “skinnier version of Lily Allen.” Trick, you wish. Then her “apology” was to say that “Comedians are not necessarily to be taken super seriously.” Yes, a comedian. CK. Hicks. Carlin. Whipped cream can boobs.
Weird Al versus Coolio
I think we can just let the songs duke it out for themselves. We are the winners here. FOOOOL.
Lindsay Lohan versus Everyone