The holy water! GET THE HOLY WATER!
So…Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger got engaged. I mean, I guess. Sure. Why not. If for no other reason than, really, who would have seen it coming that the antichrist would be Canadian? That’s just clever thinking.
I didn’t even know they were dating, and now they’re all lovey-dovey, 14 carat ring engaged, which is kind of bizarre. Were I a cynic, I would say “either they’re nervous about fading and trying the ‘power-couple’ thing, or he’s gay.” But then one of them would try and get all litigious and I don’t know how to fight Nickelback in matters of law other than to be all “quick, Chad, look over there at that photograph and laugh!” and run away. So, until their unpure love destroys all mankind by bringing about the beast, I wish them the very best. Mazel tov. Ave, ave versus Christus.
If for some reason Chavril is not the pairing that ignites the end of days, don’t worry—there are others.
Taylor Swift and Connor Kennedy
I don’t know if you’re following this. But you should be. BECAUSE IT IS SO TAYLOR. Swifticles is trying to land herself a Kennedy. Her best shot? An 18-year-old. She’s 22. While that may seem like a fairly small age difference, have you ever met an 18-year-old boy? They are practically feral. Even the rich ones. But Taylor WANTS it. So, she bought a house on the Kennedy compound and crashed a Kennedy wedding, reportedly (from the groom’s mother herself) looking through the groom’s mother like a “ghost” when she asked her to leave. When you have a mission, etiquette is out the window, ma’am.
This is different from “ew, icky celebs doing it” relationships. This is really bad. Because IMAGINE the songs. “Camelot.” “An American Princess” (which would obviously co-incide with a clothing line of the same name, made up entirely of those annoying ’60s bathing suits she’s been wearing since she made the decision that she would become Taylor Kennedy, dammit [a decision I am certain she made at the pond at a Princess Diana memorial]). And when those songs come about, we will have no choice but to The Happening ourselves and civilization will quickly die out.
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian
When two attention hogs of this nature come together, there is no hope for us. You thought her fake wedding was in our faces? Wait until these two break out the whoring. Fake pregnancies, fake engagements, fake fights, and the Twitter. THE TWITTER. It will begin glorious, then kill us all as we turn rapidly into drooling idiots under their rule.
Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson
I have a theory that Kristen Stewart knew their union would lead to an I Am Legend-esque apocalypse, only instead of naked vampire zombie things, it’s fat middle-aged women and tween girls. Civilization would basically become Honey Boo Boo. So, Stewart threw herself on Rupert Whatsit (I forgot his name because, you know why) to save society itself. We will remember her as a martyr. Holy Saint Kristen, patron of those who have intimate experiences in a very uncomfortable place (like the back of a Mini).
Tom Cruise and his next lady
They thought they’d found the perfect malleable lump of clay in Katie Holmes. But her position as L. Ron’s next pod bride of hellfire didn’t so much work out. So they’ll have to do better next time. And this next chick? Will be EMPTY. Don’t get me wrong; she’ll be able to make with the cute charm. But she’ll need to be as vapid as they come so they can fix her. “We can’t have another disaster like the last one,” they’ll cry, throwing their fists in the air as the fall to their knees. “JOEY POOOTTTTTEEERRR!”