Well, it’s that time of year again… ha, just kidding. I actually don’t know what time of year it is, because I’ve been in my below ground bunker for an undetermined amount of time really immersing myself in the Blast from the Past experience, like I do every so often. Can you believe that movie is 21-years-old this week? Yeesh. Time flies when you’re living in a hellscape where Donald Trump is president, amiright?
We’re not here today to talk about Blast from the Past, although let me know if you ever want to because I’m down—we’re here today to talk about something completely unrelated—the most highly paid dude and lady actors last year—The Rock and Scarlett Johansson.
The Rock made $89.4 million last year while Johansson made $56 million, which would put her in slot number 8 of top-paid overall because the patriarchy is real my friends and women still make a shit-ton less than men. Also, if you’re wondering, of course the list for both dude and lady performers is blindingly white. The women more so than the men, but white dudes are still the majority in the non-lady category, too.
If you need a second to go hit yourself like Marky Mark in Fear out of frustration how everything can still be so unbalanced, I don’t blame you. Go take a minute. We’ll wait. It probably won’t make you feel better but I believe one should strive to emulate Fear at least once a week to keep the memory of that movie alive in our hearts and our pop culture subconscious. Just leave german shepherds alone, OK? Also maybe don’t murder anyone. You know what? Maybe that’s not a great movie to emulate, but I’m not going to go back and edit that paragraph so let’s just move on.
The real question we need to answer today is what would you do if you made as much money as The Rock or Scarlett Johansson? Knowing myself, I would blow it all on really dumb shit. Do you know how many times I’ve commissioned a dude on Fiverr to create rap songs about the mundane things I do, like eat pizza and watch SVU, or how my dog and I are best friends? So like, I would most definitely just pay that guy 6-figures to create theme songs about my life, about very specific instances, almost continuously. I would say I would travel, and I might take a trip or two, but if I made that kind of money I’d quit working entirely and just rot my brain on trash TV all day. I know myself. I’d also just eat the worst amount of junk food possible. Oh, you think if I made almost $90 million in a year that I’d hire a private chef to cook me healthy delicious meals? F*ck no. Family size Nacho Cheese Doritos, and all the Ro*Tel/Velveeta queso I can manage.
Finally, I most definitely would give to charity because I find that amount of money obscene. However, I would also blow a lot of it on financing treasure hunts in the deep ocean, or looking for the lost city of El Dorado. Not because I want more money (hypothetically speaking, I already have more than I could ever spend) it’s just that I really like trying to solve mysteries! Also… I am not good with money, although you may have picked up on that fact already. It seems like such a stupid concept to me that we all banded together as ghosts-within-meatbag suits and decided that printed paper had value and we would trade it for goods, services, and financing treasure hunts. That’s really dumb, but here we are.
There is probably a very good reason that I did not make almost $90 million last year, but honestly, I haven’t come up with it yet. Now excuse me while I go back to my Blast from the Past below ground bunker and live my best life while not making almost nine-figures doing so.
Header Image Source: Getty