Something awful has happened. Something truly terrifying. Something decidedly less orange than before but still coated in layer after layer of Summer’s Eve with a RepHresh afterglow.
That’s right, fair gentles. The virus of Jersey Shore is spreading across the Atlantic.
Firth help us.
In my desperate quest for a silver lining, I will say this: it’s nice to know that douche is a universal ailment. No matter the color or creed, it ties us all together. Let’s hold hands and sing. We are the world. We are the date rapists…
Let’s meet this new international batch of dignity-sucking human centipedes.
Jay - “My biggest fear is getting wrinkles.”
Descriptive hand motion of choice: None. He sits and nods.
Vicky - “I am a Geordie girl with a VIP edge.”
Descriptive hand motion of choice: Pointing and laughing like a game show host and/or insane person.
Gary - “I should have a degree in pulling women.”
Descriptive hand motion of choice: It’s like…a flappy hand…waving at himself…thing. I don’t know.
Charlotte-Letitia - “I’ve never kissed anyone without a six-pack.”
Descriptive hand motion of choice: I don’t know what it’s called but Chris Farley definitely used to do it.
James - “The hardest graft I’ve ever done is doing me hair.”
Descriptive hand motion of choice: Finally, we reach the classic douche muscle display. *golf claps*
Sophie - “I could talk the back legs off a donkey.” (I have no idea what the cock this means.)
Descriptive hand motion of choice: The “I must, I must, I must, I must increase my bust.”
Greg - “Dress to invest, that’s me.” (I think.)
Descriptive hand motion of choice: The incredibly awkward, he-must-be-the-old-guy, weird money hands.
Holly - “I’m fit, I’m flirty, and I’ve got double-F’s.”
Descriptive hand motion of choice: We’ve got our boob grab. *golf claps*
In their defense, more than half the cast resembles more latter-day Real World than Jersey Shore. In their not-defense, they’ve had the boldness to cast three Snookis.
On behalf of America, I’m sorry that we’ve done this to you, MTV UK audience. We should have contained it better. We just didn’t know. We just…didn’t…know.