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The Duggars Shall Inherit the Earth: The Jessa One is Pregnant

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | April 22, 2015 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | April 22, 2015 |

OK, it’s hard to keep these Jesusy J-people straight, so here’s a handy guide: this is not the one who just had a baby. That’s the Jill one. The Jill one is the one whose husband tried to run over a cat with a sled like a garbage monster. The Jessa one is the one who allegedly church-banged her husband on their wedding day like the most ultimate horned up virgin and I appreciate that and choose to believe it despite their protestations. She was also taught to kiss by her parents in the most awkward moment of any of our lives. That’s the one who’s pregnant now, thanks to her parents’ helpful kissing tips. All of them hate gays and trans people because even the horned up virgin I tolerate the most is hateful trash.

😍😍 #BabySeewald

A photo posted by Jessa Seewald (@jessaseewald) on

The Duggars themselves of course have 19 children. They have an oldest boy one who has four kids (he’s 27 years old) and the Jill one just had a baby and now the Jessa one is going to have a baby. And there’s an 18-year-old who’s in “courtship” (courtship means creepery, if you were wondering—they have their rules for girls but I don’t think those rules are the same for boys, since one of them is “brothers know best” because the girl ones are cattle). That is so many Duggars. And I’m Catholic and Italian, so I feel comfortable saying DAMN THAT IS A LOT OF DUGGARS.

If they all reproduce at the speed and volume of their parents, there could one day be 26,000 Duggars. And none of them will let a trans person use the damn bathroom. Fear the future, people. For the night is dark and full of Duggars.

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