Here are merely some of the things the Duggars don’t like before marriage: hugging with the fronts of your bodies, holding hands, kissing, sexing, mouthing a genital, looking at a boob, touching your delicate parts, touching the delicate parts of another person, looking at someone with lustful vision. But, of course, as soon as that ring is on that finger, it’s time to plug the hell in and stay that way until you produce a new Christian for God’s army!
Jessa Duggar Seewald and her new husband, Ben, took that “as soon as the ring is on that finger” part very seriously.
According to (via Radar) a a super Jesussy commenter named Mary B. on a super Jesussy blog, Jinger Duggar (*shakes head*) opened the door to fetch her sister for the reception and Jessa was…occupied. Mary doesn’t specify how so let’s just assume it was a shot-for-shot reenactment of this scene:
This is Mary’s comment. Mary can’t spell for shit because spelling is for sinners and homosexuals, but you’ll figure it out:
“As I mentioned to you at the reception I was very upset when I was told about the incident that was witnessed by the girls when the door to the room they were in was accidently opened. I am not sure why they would not wait for the evening to pray and then consumate God’s marriage. The Lord has blessed them and brought them together. To hear so many people discussing what they inadvertendly walked into was heartbreaking and troubling. Why did this happen? How could this beautiful, joyus day now be forever tainted and destroyed by rumors about what the girls may (or may not have) seen? And if this is true why would they commit such an act in the Lord’s home…the same Lord who guided them together. This really made me question Ben’s headship and leadership skills. I pray he is not swayed to evil. I pray he acts as strong husband and worship leader to Miss Jessa. I have a terrible, guy feeling. I have tried talking to my husband about this but he has said he will not talk about it until he prays about it and gets an answer from the Lord. This on average takes about 48 hours for him to recieve an answer. “
OK. So many parts.
Favorite part No. 1: All of it.
Favorite part No. 2: “I have tried talking to my husband about this but he has said he will not talk about it until he prays about it and gets an answer from the Lord. This on average takes about 48 hours for him to recieve an answer.” There is nothing I can add to this. It is perfect on its own.
The whole comments section on that blog is a goddamn goldmine. Here’s another winner, though it’s vastly less fuck-focused:
I just hope Jessa doesn’t stray from her intended role as wife and mother. I’m worried that Ben is a little more lax than the Duggars. He watches some television. He also doesn’t stop Jessa when she cuts him off when he is talking and corrects him. This is not a good start. But maybe Ben will feel more comfortable with it now that he is her headship. I just pray it works out. It is so difficult to find good and Godly young men for role models for my sons.
HE WATCHES SOME TELEVISION? Why the fuck haven’t they performed an exorcism yet?!
Anyway, this is my favorite story. A Duggar girl rendered so horned out waiting until she’s allowed to hold her husband’s hand BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT UNTIL MARRIAGE doesn’t make it to the reception without a trip to Poundtown, population: that dick. I love it. I think this one might be OK.
Look how into it she is.
Look how into it…he…um. Anyway. GET YOUR CHURCH BANG ON, KIDS.
Update: There are those who say, logically, that this is a hoax/satire. I won’t let go. I’ll never let go.