The Met Gala can always be counted on every year to bring the fashion porn and cra-cray-cray, and this year was no different. The gala’s theme was the Japanese fashion iconoclast Rei Kawakubo and her groundbreaking fashion label Commes Des Garcons, which provided fertile fashion ground for the stars and fashion elite to draw inspiration from for fashion’s biggest night.

Some trends included the color red, feathers and crazy hair, from tricked out headpieces to black bobs to shellacked heads. The Kardashian clan showed up in various degrees of nakedness, with Kim’s dress surprisingly modest in comparison to her sisters’ outfits. Gigi Hadid had her sister’s back while Bella brought the supermodel version of revenge dressing to divert attention away from ex The Weeknd and Selena Gomez. Jaden Smith clutched his shaved dreadlocks like the fashion totem they are. Below are my picks for the Top Ten MET Gala gowns; while not always pretty and often downright unnerving, they captured the essence of the gala’s theme. Please comment, rant and rave below!

Katy Perry brought the appropriate dramatic goods as co-chair of the 69th MET Gala in Maison Margiela. However, one can’t help but think she, bless her political foot-in-mouth, cultural appropriating heart, watched The Handmaid’s Tale and somehow got it into her head that this is was a dress a Handmaid in Gilead could wear.

Rihanna threw down the gauntlet in Commes de Garcons early on the red carpet. We all knew RiRi has brass balls the size of Texas, but it takes a Ph.D level understanding of fashion to understand the artistry and construction behind a garment that looks a three year old took a giant hole punch to vintage floral wallpaper and glued the remains together. But she, and I, wouldn’t change it for the world.

Zendaya in Dolce & Gabbana Alta Moda was one of the most conventionally pretty looks of the night, in so much a dress emblazoned with colorful parrots can be labeled “conventional.” Her soft afro waves contrast beautifully with the classic silhouette, solidifying her as the night’s Avant-Guard Couture Barbie.

At first glance it may appear as though Ruth Negga in Valentino is literally wearing curtains or modeling a new kind of nun’s habit, but after taking in a panoramic view of the dress and taking in the astounding beaded details and print, one wishes she could be installed in the Sistine Chapel or some other beautiful Italian cathedral to be gazed at and admired by all.

Tracee Ellis Ross was one of the few stars, along with Rihanna, who wore Kawakubo’s Commes de Garcon at the gala. The dress’s color and fabric is rich and sumptuous, and while it looks like a half-assed attempt at an origami napkin, on the bell curve of the MET Gala gowns it is actually one of the more simple, yet interesting looks of the evening.

Canadian songstress Celine Dion, whose heart will forever gooooooo ooooooon, nailed her first time at the MET Gala in Versace. Her pleather skirt and bodice, held together by gold straps on top of a sparkly T-shirt and topped off with pointed bows and feathers on her head stood out even amidst the many, high-octane looks of the night. Watch your back SJP…

Back off Nina Sayer, Janelle Monae in Ralph & Russo is the new Swan Queen in town. Janelle successfully merges Back and White Swan together with black feathers decorating her bodice and adorning her neck while effortlessly carrying off three tiers and a train of white feathers. She’s defeated the bullshit madonna/whore dichotomy, so take heed - swans can break bones.

Yo-Ho-Ho to Lady Pirate Queen Claire Danes in Monse who does not give a flying fuck that her captain’s gear is falling apart at the seams. She will keep drinking and brawling (and winning against men twice her size) until the new ships come to port, thank YOU very much. She has a bone to pick with that asshole Jack Sparrow….

Zoe Kravitz’s Oscar de la Renta was a perfect balance of the classic and grotesque. The soft pink drew to mind Marilyn Monroe’s classic Gentlemen Prefer Blondes dress done up in Millenial Pink, while the black roses look like something Poison Ivy would concoct, bursting out of her bosom and spreading like fungi.

Well it’s sure nice to see that Dakota Johnson in Gucci actually washed her hair and pulled back her bangs this shindig. Her shtick of of ugly-chic has been hit rather than miss, but this time her aesthetic was on point, with the ornate skirt details and frissons of fabric around her face creating an arresting image on the red carpet.

Rei Kawakubo supposedly handpicked Commes Des Garcons pieces for gala co-chair Pharrell Williams and Helen Lasichanh, and as…..unique as they are I will admit they do pull them off. My only gripe is that if Lauren was stuck in a Gumby Teletubby Po suit gone horribly wrong, why wasn’t Pharrell given an equal constricting nightmare garment?

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