1. The People cover photo.
If you had any leftover questions regarding whether or not anyone was supposed to give a tiny pink shit that Jessica Biel was somehow involved in this whole shebang, Justin has answered you with a loud and clear, “IT’S MY SPECIAL PRINCESS DAY! LOOK WHAT I CAN DO! MOM! MOM! LOOKIT! LOOKIT!”
That said, I am LIVING FOR what giant trolls the staff members at People Magazine are by including Britney Spears on the cover. LIVING FOR IT.
2. Lance Bass and Joey Fatone: Uninvited
And not in the Alanis-Morrissette-on-the-City-of-Angels-soundtrack kind of way. JC Chasez and Chris Kirkpatrick were invited. Lance Bass and Joey Fatone were not. Chris Kirkpatrick was invited over Lance and Joey. That is like inviting the guy who played Manny the manager of Doublemeat Palace to your Buffy convention over Amber Benson and Tom Lenk. And, yes, I did just put a great deal of work into deciding who exactly should be the Lance and Joey of the Buffy cast. You’re welcome.
3. The video
If you haven’t heard, because you are a person of more scholarly pursuits, oh, aren’t you so interesting, a video was played at the nuptials—which cost $6.5 million, by the way—that featured homeless people sending their regrets that they were unable to attend the ceremony. Picture, if you will, a wedding full of millionaires, drinking wine that costs more than your house, laughing at borderline incoherent homeless people. Then try not to punch whatever’s nearest.
4. This lady person thing mooning paparazzi.
I’m pretty much just annoyed by people who do things. I’m kind of on a roll right now. Also, no, it’s not Britney. But, yes, I did wonder that as well.
5. This just sounds like a lot of work.
“A friend of a guest tells Gossip Cop that attendees were instructed to get to Frankfurt, Germany on Tuesday, at which point they were flown directly on a private jet to Naples.
No one was told ahead of time where they were going.
Everyone was given a pin to identify themselves as wedding guests, and must wear it throughout the week.
From Naples, guests were shuttled to the town of Puglia, where Timberlake and Biel hosted a beach party for friends and family on Wednesday.
The couple spelled out a couple of rules ahead of time for guests — don’t bring kids, and plan to come for the whole week or not at all.”
[insert something about how rich, famous people are different from real people, because I’m too tired even thinking about all the airports and shuttles and zzzzzzzzzzz]
6. He did not marry her and they did not wear these outfits.
Just email her heart, Justin; it’s not too late.