The 6 Celebrity Break-Ups That Rocked Civilization to Its Core, Its Very Core I Say!
6. Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez
It’s hard to remember just how big Bennifer was. But, good god, it was, it really was. They were EVERYWHERE. It was impossible to get the fuck away from them. Eventually they over-inflated and burst all over your magazine rack. Trag. But, if it hadn’t, we couldn’t live in a world with the cutest family ever. So, win.
5. Tom Cruise & Nicole Kidman
The ten-year lease ran up. But we didn’t know that then.
4. Britney Spears & Jason Alexander
Britney and K. Fed? NOTHING. This was the one. This two-day Vegas shitshow was a big fucking thing. For better or worse, this was when the shine came off the apple. Before this, there had only been hints and rumors that Britney Spears was anything but the nubile madonna/whore teenager her management was selling her as (Jesus, remember all that virgin-obsession nonsense? That was ridiculous). At the time, this was a crazy boatload of WTF. Now, with hindsight, it was a cry for help. A desperate grasp at some control of her own life. And it was over within 55 hours.
3. Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson
On its own, not a big deal. Two people in their twenties broke up in a semi-scandalous fashion. Alert the medi … oh, wait. But you cannot tell me this has not been damn fun to watch. Twihards haven’t been this upset since Rob had the audacity to star in that movie, Surprise 9/11, with Claire from “Lost” as though he could even love her more than he loves Bella, gawd. And, hey!, it’s one of the only times it is really all that acceptable to laugh at the tears of young girls, so cherish it.
2. Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes
This break-up was a big deal on its own. But, for once, it was not just noteworthy as tabloid fodder. This was big for what it stood for. Let it never be forgotten that 2012 was the year that we genuinely cared about a fast food chain’s opinion on the issues and that Joey Potter took down Scientology.
1. Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston
Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt were married for five years. They divorced seven years ago. And people still give a shit God knows how. All I know is people fall into one of two camps: people who think Angelina Jolie is a dirty man-stealing whore, and people who think Jennifer Aniston is a sad cat lady who can’t keep a man. No one has any ill or altered feelings about Brad Pitt. Because of course they don’t. *shakes head sadly*